Lost in Smith's Marketplace

A Novel Idea

I’ve been told two or three times in the past week that I have too much time on my hands, which… actually, you know, that kinda hurts. I’ve always considered everything I do to be of the upmost importance and significance, whether it be drawing stick figure comics, playing video games, watching cartoons…

Shoot, sounds like the critics are right.

NO LONGER! It’s time to start doing something meaningful with my life. To that end, I’ve begun actually working on one of the many book ideas that have come to me over the years and years that I’ve thought about being a writer.

The record will show that I’m not the biggest fan of fantasy literature. True, I read quite a bit of it in high school, but anything that reminds me of high school deserves to get punched in the face, whether it has a face or not. Besides, most fantasy books are highly derivative. In fact, author David Eddings created a formula for the fantasy novel:

Unlikely Hero + Wise Old Man + Evil Overlord + Magical Object = $$$

Well, the formula worked for Eddings. He used it to great effect in his five-book epic The Belgariad, and then again when he repackaged the EXACT SAME STORY in another five books as The Malloreon. What a con!

So I’m honestly a little surprised that the first book I hope to write is actually a fairy tale (ie: fantasy). My hope is that I’ll be able to tell a story distinct from other fantasy stories by limiting the scope and significance of the events. So I’ll be telling what I hope is a human story that just so happens to have shape-changing animals in it. Besides, if the whole thing takes place in a simple village, we won’t have to travel to New Zealand when the movie gets made.

The story I hope to tell starts as all good stories by Samuel Taylor Coleridge do – with a crazy freakin’ dream. In my dream, I was in an African forest, where I saw a small housecat. I turned away from the cat for just a second and, when I turned back, the cat had turned into a little girl. Y’know, the way things just tend to happen in dreams. For reasons that made perfect sense in my head, I decided to take the girl with me to New York and started raising her as my daughter. We walked the streets and made fun of drunks together for just a few minutes before I woke up.

And, you know, I actually found that I missed the weird little cat-girl thing.

In most cases, the idea of having a meaningful emotional relationship with another human being is enough to make me want to set small animals on fire. However, in this case, the novelty of the situation prompted me to make the girl from my dreams a character in a story – as a way to keep her around, I guess.

So I’ve written already a synopsis of what the whole plot will look like, but I’m just now starting to write the actual first chapter. From there, I’ll probably write the last chapter, then a chapter or two in the middle, before I finally lose interest.

That’s why I generally write poetry. Keeps my attention before something else can come along to… That man has a Butterfinger! Get him!

Five Songs I Used to Love (But Now Can't Stand)

I should probably apologize to all of my Facebook friends for the unconscionable amount of spam they’re probably getting from me. Between my regular blog posts (I’m usually putting out at least two a week) and Flickster movie quizzes, I’m probably almost omnipresent on all Facebook walls, everywhere. Too bad my face isn’t more appealing to look at.

Anyway, I recently discovered the Top Five list maker on Living Social, which means I have yet ANOTHER way to talk about my interests and hobbies in list format. More specifically, I have another way to express my hate for various topics – something I’ve been doing a whole HECK of a lot recently.

Now, I’m not by nature completely hateful (I blame years of exposure to Full House and Family Matters for that). But the things that I LOVE are pretty scarce, so I tend to guard them a bit more carefully. So it’s especially tragic when something I love turns to something I hate.

Nowhere does the transformation from beloved to atrocious occur more than in the music industry. I recently compiled a list of five songs I used to love but now HATE on Living Social, but I think I need to go into a bit more detail on some of them. So here we go:

Daniel Powter, “Bad Day”

Why I liked it: When the song first started getting attention back in 2005, I was drawing near the end of my LDS mission. Now, mission work is HARD, and, during the summer, it can be even harder (I’m just going to say “pretty girls and white pants” and leave it at that).

To reach the church house where most of our mission activities took place, we had to climb up two flights of stairs right past a hardware/electronics store, which usually had the radio going. At the time, the Black-Eyed Peas were still considered a “big deal” (thank goodness THOSE days seem to be behind us now!), so I mostly heard the song “Shut Up” over and over. And over. And over. And over and over and overandoverandoverandoverandover…

However, one day, after a long morning out in the sun (with a white shirt and tie on, I’ll have you know) I heard a chill song with some laid back, melodic piano and lyrics that really resonated with how I was feeling at the time. I kept the song on mental file and looked it up when I got back home to the USA, only to find that the song hadn’t really been released yet. Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day” become something like my own secret song.

What happened next: Well, the song made it pretty big now, didn’t it? So now I get to hear “Bad Day” over and over. And over. And over. And over and over and overandoverandoverandoverandover…

Finger Eleven, “Paralyzer”

Why I liked it: I work at a cardiologist’s office, sitting in the lobby next to the phone. I’m there the entire day, even during my lunch breaks. The only real distraction I have from the monotony (other than Facebook, of course) is whatever’s playing on the radio. Most days, I leave the radio station on one of those bland, adult-contemporary stations that play songs that were popular and inoffensive five years ago. Man, I HATE those stations!

On days when there are no patients in the clinic that might get offended by the occasional guitar solo, I switch the radio over to a more upbeat station. On one such occasion, I happened to hear a pretty killer guitar riff and some raw, gritty vocals that spoke to the dance-floor animal living deep in my chest. Finger Eleven’s “Paralyzer” was my antidote for the adult-contemporary blues.

What happened next: Well, I started to really listen to the song when it came on the radio in my car. Turns out I can’t really hear the radio that well when I’m at work. The guitar riff (while still pretty cool) is about the only decent musicality in the whole song. The vocals have that same stale, packaged harshness to them that bands like Nickelback and Creed have. Oh, and my internal party animal got rabies, so I had to put it down.

Santana and Rob Thomas, “Smooth”

Why I liked it: I know they’re about as close to “bubblegum” as alternative music gets, but I love Matchbox 20. Most of that is due to Rob Thomas’s vocals. His voice annoys a ton of people. Screw them – I love it.

Put those vocals together with Carlos Santana’s guitar skills and you’ve got a song that the teenage me could really enjoy while driving down the street. Turns out people made fun of you if you listened to The Backstreet Boys and Savage Garden, but not so much Santana.

What happened next: Remember what I said about adult contemporary radio? Guess where you’re most likely to hear “Smooth” nowadays.

All-American Rejects, “Gives You Hell”

Why I liked it: I think I’ve dealt with this song in writing before. “Gives You Hell” hit the airwaves pretty much right after I’d broken up with a girl, which is pretty awesome. During a breakup, there’s almost this sense of competition: both you and your ex try to prove to all your mutual friends that you are stronger than the other. A song like “Gives You Hell” creates the illusion that you’re winning that argument. Not only are you still happy and doing fine, but you’ve got an enormous squad of tone-deaf football players backing you up.

What happened next: “Gives You Hell” suffers from being an incredibly catchy song. Let me explain: the song is catchy INSTEAD of being well-written. Once the fun bounciness of the song loses its appeal, you’re left with a song for frat-boys to play loudly over their Halo tournaments. And, well, I suck at Halo.

Sara Bareilles, “Love Song”

Why I liked it: I can credit my college roommate, Brandon, for exposure to a lot of quirky little songs and videos that I don’t think I’d have ever found on my own. “Love Song” is one of these. The song felt just indie enough that I could like it as a nonconformist college student, yet mainstream enough that I could… well, like it. For real like it.

What happened next: I bought the whole Sara Bareilles album and gave it a listen. The songs are all pretty good, but Sara… well, she doesn’t seem to LIKE men much. She’s definitely a bit of a hater – not Alanis Morissette, but still. Eventually, I just got uncomfortable listening to a woman sing about how much she doesn’t need me in her life and how much I screwed her up.

“Gravity,” however, is still an amazing song. Argue with me and I will beat your face right off your skull.

More Hate: Why I Hate Spider Man

A Little Twilight Hate for Your Weekend

To be clear: I've never read the books. I'm sure they're horrible. I persist in my belief that the books are royal garbage based solely on the opening to Twilight:

"My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt - sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka."

THIS is not good writing. As a matter of fact, this is certifiably BAD writing. The first paragraph of any book - especially the first part of a series that needs to grip its audience - should be COMPELLING. I, as a skeptical reader, need to know why I'm going to spend several hours reading THIS book instead of watching Arrested Development again.

What's compelling in this first paragraph? Four sentences, and not ONE of them indicating that our as-yet nameless protagonist is capable of doing a guldarned thing.

Where's the hook? Where's the carrot that's going to motivate me to continue to the second paragraph, or turn the page? Should I, as a reader, see in Stephanie Meyer's description of a cloudless sky an omen of danger? What's that on the horizon? A cloud? Merciful Hemingway, I hope it's not a Nimbus!

Or maybe it's our protagonist's outfit that's supposed to draw me in. Okay, really, the outfit's the only clue I've got to help figure out who the CRAP this speaker's supposed to be. "Sleeveless, white eyelet lace..." Probably a girl.

Although...


Of course, a good opening is going to raise questions. And Stephanie Meyer’s opening comes CLOSE. The girl's outfit is a farewell gesture - I guess that means SOMETHING. But that little bit of almost-engaging detail is immediately buried under a completely pointless observation about some froofy parka. Why do we care?

A good opening rases questions that will motivate us to read on, not frustrate us with a lack of detail. Some information WILL be withheld, but what we’re given will ground us at least a little bit in SOME kind of context. As a point of comparison, let me show you the opening lines to other books. GOOD books.

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” – Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy

Already we see what’s coming – we’re going to read about an unhappy family, one that’s unique in its unhappiness. Already our brains are firing up, ready to take pleasure in the misfortune of others (as brains are generally prone to do).

“You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was Aunt Polly, or the widow, or maybe Mary. Aunt Polly – Tom's Aunt Polly, she is – and Mary, and the Widow Douglas is all told about in that book, which is mostly a true book, with some stretchers, as I said before.” – The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

I don’t know about you, but this first paragraph really makes me LIKE our speaker. He’s definitely the tiniest bit illiterate, but there’s a bit of charm in his dialect. Okay, TECHNICALLY, he didn’t tell us his name, but the whole frickin’ book’s named after him, so I’m willing to let it slide (It’s Jim Crow, by the way).

See, Mr. Twain’s already given us a REAL reason to read on. If we’ve never read The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, we’re liable to ask, “Who are Aunt Polly and Widow Douglas? What are these ‘stretchers’ Huck’s talking about? Why does this boy talk so funny?” And if we HAVE read Tom Sawyer, we’re likely thinking to ourselves, “Ah, boy! What’s that loveable rapscallion Huck going to do to tick off Aunt Polly and the Widow THIS time?”

Here’s a line from a Nobel Prize winner:

“For a man of his age, fifty-two, divorced, he has, to his mind, solved the problem of sex rather well.” – Disgrace, J. M. Coetzee

Bet you’re curious what comes next, aren’t you? Some of you are probably wondering who “he” is, but most people are curious about how he solved the “problem of sex.” The nonchalant treatment of a somewhat touchy subject GRIPS you, right from the start.

From there, of course, the book goes on to address rape (both statutory and the garden variety) and impotence. So, yeah, good Sunday afternoon reading. Right after church.

Now here’s a single opening sentence that successfully hooked readers for SEVEN lengthy books:

“Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.” – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, J. K. Rowling

Rowling’s not really the best writer, but this opening sentence does a lot of things right: it vividly paints a portrait of the characters addressed with a minimal use of words. While the word “normal” doesn’t generally mean much, the author’s voice more than compensates with the use of the phrase “thank you very much.” We can easily imagine that these Dursley people say that type of thing regularly. They’re your normal Jones-keeper-uppers, perfectly content to keep the amount of “extraordinary” in their lives at a minimum.

So what have we learned? Good writers draw you in to their stories immediately with tasty little details, powerful characterizations, and maybe just a little shock. Bad writers write books that get turned into movies starring THIS guy:

who, ironically enough, actually looks more than a little like THIS guy:

Yeah, I WENT there.

25 Years

So today’s my 25th birthday. There’s not a whole extraordinary lot going on today to commemorate what (I hear) should be a pretty big deal. Okay, I guess I will be out at the Empress tonight performing in the one-act play festival (http://empresstheatre.com/), but it won’t be like last year, when my college roommates gift-wrapped all the crap I left in the front room. That was a good time.

Here’s what I’M doing to celebrate: In another vain effort to relieve some of the pressure my inflated ego puts on my innards, I’m compiling a list of the 25 most influential people in my life. I guess you COULD consider this to be an act of gratitude, but let’s be honest – this is still all about ME.

Now, these are people that I’ve actually met, associated with for a more-or-less extended period of time, and been changed/influenced by in some quantifiable way. And it’s by no means a comprehensive list. There are literally sixes of people I could have included, but didn’t – for no reason other than I’m limiting myself specifically to 25. So… yeah, here we go:

Jan Bradford – This list just HAD to start with my mother, especially since she’ll probably wind up reading this, anyway. I’m pretty proud of my mother, actually – besides being an amazing cook, she’s just a generally nice person, who always taught me to do and be my best. So when I’m being a pissy jerk, you know it’s NOT her fault.

Mark Bradford – Despite the fact that I’m turning 25, I’m still pretty much a kid – I read comic books, play video games, and LOVE cartoons. So I’m pretty much just like my dad, except he can actually do stuff like fix cars and provide for an entire family.

Bryan Bradford – I could have easily put any of my three brothers here, but, for the sake of keeping the list down to 25, I’m going to go with my little brother Bryan. We shared a room for about ten years, so it’s no surprise that we’ve wound up being almost exactly the same. Bryan’s better at everything than I am, though, just so you know.

Clarice Bradford – My brother’s daughter makes the list because she’s done something no one else has ever been able to do ever in the history of ever – she’s gotten me to hold a baby. Actually, I’ve gotten to the point where I LOVE playing with little Clara – provided she keeps all her body fluids to herself.

Mrs. Walters – Most of my friends remember her as that crazy old lady with the guitar who taught her 4th graders how to sing “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” in Spanish (“Juan Paco Pedro de Lamar,” if you want to know). And that’s how I remember her, too. Of course, she’s ALSO the first teacher I ever had who actively encouraged me to write, so this whole poetry… thing… I do is basically HER fault.

Mrs. Rider – The more I think about Mrs. Rider, the more surprised I am that Granite School District actually allowed this woman to teach elementary school students. Still, she was by far one of the most encouraging teachers I ever had. Plus she typecast me as the evil tyrant king in TWO different tragedies.

Mrs. Evans – She was my junior high English teacher for three years – and probably the single most influential teacher I ever had. Not only did she help foster my love for reading and writing, but she taught me how to do them well. I probably wouldn’t have made it to college without her.

Ms. Sirstins – On a whim, I auditioned for my junior high’s production of Oklahoma! (which now rates as one of my least favorite musicals of all time). From that audition, Ms. Sirstins decided I needed a place in both the concert choir AND madrigals. I’ve been doing music ever since.

Ms. Johnson – If Ms. Sirstins got me hooked on choir and performance, Ms. Johnson made me love it. I had more fun in her choir than in any other club/group/class before. She also taught our choir how to sing “Choose Something Like a Star” by Robert Frost, which is now one of my favorite poems.

Mr. Moore – If you went to Cyprus High School, you know the Cult of Moore. Okay, they never actually CALLED themselves the “Cult of Moore,” but they totally should have. Mr. Moore’s choir classes were pretty much the only enjoyable thing I had in high school. Plus the man just had a good attitude about life – something I’ve tried to imitate.

Mrs. Roach – There was a bit of a rivalry between Mrs. Roach and Mr. Moore when I went to Cyprus – although that conflict was pretty much engineered by the students. Still, I loved ‘em both. Roach pretty much picked up where Mrs Evans left off. Whether she knows it or not, I wound up majoring in English in college because of Mrs. Roach.

Star Coulbrooke – EVERY aspiring poet should have a teacher like Star. She saw something worth developing in ever single poem she read. Plus, she’s totally a hippie. Everyone should learn poetry from a hippie.

Michael Sowder – Michael used to be a lawyer. He gave that up so he could teach and write poetry at Utah State University. Absolutely classic. Plus, he’s totally a Buddhist. Everyone should learn poetry from a Buddhist.

Margaret Purser – With my scholarship money running out, I decided to sign up for voice lessons, just to remind myself why I liked singing so much in the first place (I hadn’t done any real performing in almost six years). Margaret took a real interest in me developing my talent. She encouraged me to keep singing, which led to my current involvement at the Empress Theatre and the Jesters Royale. That’s all MARGARET’S fault.

Bishop Hughes – Bishop Hughes was my church leader while I was a teenager. He pretty much set the standard for what a church leader should be like – patient, understanding, optimistic. He also had a great sense of humor. He lost his thumb to some heavy farming equipment, but he always told everyone he just sucked on it too hard as a kid.

Bishop Germany – Bishop Germany was my church leader when I was at college – which, honestly, was pretty much a second adolescence for me. He encouraged me when I felt down and kicked my butt when I felt apathetic… just what I needed at the time.

Wlastik Holik – I served a mission in the Czech Republic for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for two mostly friendless years. Wlastik was one of the few I considered to be a real friend… well, the first one I was REALLY able to communicate with. Czech’s hard. Wlastik helped me learn the language and understand the people. He also punches pretty hard. Ouch.

Aaron Coombs – Aaron was a diligent missionary – the part in his hair probably went straight down through his skull. As much as I loved mocking him for his strict adherence to rules and standards, Aaron’s faith – which I saw really put into action during the time we served together in the Olomouc district in the CR – inspired me in a way most OTHER “nominal Christians” fail to do

*With thanks to Olaudah Equiano for the phrase “nominal Christians.”

Brady Flanagan – No matter how I try, I can’t seem to get away from this kid. We went to school together straight through junior high, met up in the Missionary Training Center in Provo as we were getting ready to go do the mission thing, and now we’re teammates in the Jesters Royale. Good times all around.

Bizzie Szilagyi – We don’t talk so much anymore, but Bizzie was probably the bestest friend I had in college, always good for a round of date-hating over some Aggie ice cream. Man, I miss that ice cream.

Torrie Fedor – We’ll just overlook the fact that I snogged Torrie… and that I probably don’t know what “snog” means. Torrie saw a couple of the poems I wrote and said, “Why don’t you try writing free-verse?” That may have been her kind way of saying my poems SUCKED, but, in the end, that may have been the best bit of advice I’ve ever gotten in poetry.

By the way, isn’t the word “snog” fun to say? Snog snog snog snog snog snog… hey, maybe it’s an onomatopoeia!

Emma Mellen – Emma’s perpetual optimism and sunny disposition disgusts me on a level I can’t fully expound upon using words alone. However, she’s always been there to listen to me if I need an ear. Plus she’s the best movie buddy in the world.

Garret Peterson – The biggest tragedy in my life is that I haven’t kept in touch with my best friend from high school – which is probably an indication of how unjustly fortunate I’ve been. Garret Peterson was and is a superstar.

Darian Oliphant – Here’s a real renaissance man – skilled woodworker, competent singer, adept scholar… plus he can kill you with his bare hands. I totally approve of that.

Michael Cox – We’ve been friends for almost our entire lives. Together we’ve beaten numerous video games, stolen countless raspberries from Mom’s garden, lost an unquantifiable amount of sleep… Oh, crap, and now he’s reproducing.

It’s just hit me exactly how lucky I am. I don’t know how many people get to keep the same friends from childhood on. I’m also not sure how many would want to… but in my case, it’s worked out all right.

So to these 25 individuals and everyone who’s influenced me for the better: Thank you. Sincerely, seriously, thank you.

And that’s as serious as I’d like to get today. Everyone go out and buy yourselves a thing of Ben and Jerry’s.

The Dangers of Boredom

The Five Most Underrated Batman Villains

So I like Batman… a lot. I’d go ahead and say it’s a pretty unhealthy obsession. I collect comic books, I watch the movies with devotion (well, the Burton and Nolan films, at any rate), and I consider Batman: The Animated Series to be pretty much the perfect example of how a televised cartoon should work. Seriously, that cartoon’s got an amazing orchestrated score with unique musical themes for each of the major characters, a consistent done-in-one-episode format, and the voice talents of Mark Hamill (the only worthwhile thing he’s done… well, I was going to say “since Star Wars,” but I’ll just leave it there).

One of the best things about the Batman franchise is his rogues gallery – propelled to fame by Adam West & Co., and they just get better from there.

Man, I get the shivers looking at this picture.

There are a lot of Batman villains out there, however, that don’t really command a lot of respect from the population at large. They’re either too obscure, too goofy, or too pathetic to pose a credible threat to the Caped Crusader (yeah for outdated 1950s nicknames!). Thus, these villains generally get passed over for their chance on the big-screen. Yet some of them are actually pretty compelling, so I’m going to go ahead and give arguments for why these five villains should be considered for any upcoming Batman films that may or may not happen.

Villain #1 – The Penguin


Why He Gets Passed Over: IGN voted the Penguin as the fifth worst Batman villain of all time (http://comics.ign.com/articles/622/622304p1.html). And, really, there’s a lot to hate here: he’s not physically intimidating, he’s not charmingly insane, and he’s pretty disgusting, all in all. He trains birds to do his bidding and uses trick umbrellas – a pretty pathetic setup.

Why He Deserves a Shot: Technically, for the Penguin, this would be a second shot at Hollywood stardom, since he was featured prominently in Batman Returns, played by Danny DeVito. We saw a lot of the “circus sideshow” villain there. But there’s more to the Penguin than a “Quasimodo-gone-wrong” story. He’s a criminal mastermind – capable of orchestrating plots every bit as elaborate as Joker’s bank heist from the opening to The Dark Knight. And, what’s more, the bird wields influence like you wouldn’t believe. In an issue of The Joker’s Asylum, the Penguin gets a restaurant chef fired from his job. He then has the man’s girlfriend deported, kicks him out of his apartment, and builds a liquor store across the street from where the man winds up. The poor sucker – a recovering alcoholic – eventually hangs himself. All this, because the poor cook MIGHT have been laughing at the Penguin. There’s definitely potential for this finely-dressed freak to be a real menace to the Bat.

Villain #2 – The Mad Hatter

Why He Gets Passed Over: Okay, I’ll acknowledge this guy’s kind of a joke. He’s got a knack for mind-control devices, true, but his gimmick’s pretty two-dimensional. He’s a criminal with an “Alice-in-Wonderland” theme, and he’s supposed to be a challenge for Batman? After the Jabberwocky, and maybe Tweedledum and Tweedledee, the Hatter’s pretty much out of intimidating tricks.

Besides, look at that overbite. Those teeth are begging to be knocked out.

Why He Deserves a Shot: As anyone who’s read Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass can attest, there’s something genuinely creepy about Lewis Carroll. The man’s got an… UNHEALTHY… preoccupation with little girls. Creeps the $#@% right out of me.

Play that angle up with the Mad Hatter. Almost every Batman movie ever made features a villain with some cockamamie plot to conquer/destroy the entire freaking city. Contrast that with a story about a man who poses a threat to a single individual. No need to go all serial rapist here – comic book movies do better with a PG-13 rating. Turn the Mad Hatter into a stalker, following a teenage girl around and harassing her family, and bring in the Bat to track him down. A Batman story with such a small cast could be nice, for a change, and it would really allow the Hatter to become more than just a joke.

Villain #3 – Bane

Actually, let’s get a better picture of this one.

Yeah, that’s MUCH better.

Why He Gets Passed Over: Bane had one good story. Back in 1993, he orchestrated a plot which culminated in the Batman’s most ignominious defeat – he broke Batman over his knee. Ever since then, Bane’s been a joke. He’s usually portrayed as the dumb goon hired by some other, much more INTELLIGENT, super villain. He went from one of Batman’s greatest enemies to a mere henchman.

Why He Deserves a Shot: Technically, this would be Bane’s second chance, too (if you acknowledge the Batman and Robin movie – which I won’t). Do the man a favor, though – put him in the commander’s seat. Bane’s easily got the brainpower to match Batman’s. Heck, in the comic, he figured out Batman’s secret identity all on his own – something the Joker never did. Bane’s patient, methodical, and cunning – he wears his opponents down psychologically to the point where they’re beaten before he has to clench his fist. Give Bane a supporting cast of lower-tier Batman villains (pander to the fanboys) and let him show off his superior intellect as well as his brawn.

Villain #4 – Scarface

Why He Gets Passed Over: Sorry, Chucky, but puppets just aren’t that scary. Not now. Not ever. Scarface is supposed to be the alternate personality of the Ventriloquist. The puppet’s the crime lord, the Ventriloquist is his wormy sidekick. Putting Batman against Scarface is like watching a fight between Triple H and Jeff Dunham… Hey, we should set that up sometime.

Why He Deserves a Shot: The Joker’s goal in The Dark Knight was to sow the seeds of insanity and chaos throughout Gotham. Scarface and the Ventriloquist could be used to illustrate the Joker’s success. The “traditional” gangs of Gotham lose ground to “crazies” like Scarface, because it takes that level of insanity to last on the streets in the post-Joker era. Perhaps pairing Scarface with another mob-centered villain (like the Penguin) would heighten the “mobsters vs. monsters” conflict appropriately.

Villain #5 – Lex Luthor

Why He Gets Passed Over: Easy one. He’s not a Batman villain.

Why He Deserves a Shot: I don’t think there’s a more perfect natural opponent for Batman to face. Like Bruce Wayne, Lex Luthor leads a double-life. He’s a billionaire industrialist by day, but at night he’s an active player in the world of superheroes. He’s a criminal genius, with the brains and the tech to be more than a match for Batman. And while his goals are usually global in nature, Lex Luthor could easily come to blows with Batman over Gotham territory. What starts as a professional rivalry between two wealthy geniuses soon turns personal, as Bruce uses the Batman to find an edge against Luthor, only to uncover Luthor’s sinister side.

Really, though, Batman’s villains are so unique and (usually) deep – psychologically speaking – that just about ANY of them could be used, given the writer in charge takes the time to flesh them out appropriately.

Just don’t use this guy:

Ever.

So, Easter

Easter's a great holiday. It really is. I mean, it's right at the beginning of spring, which I'm pretty sure is just about the best freakin' time of year. There's all this talk about renewal and life - especially among Christians, when we celebrate the death and resurrection of Christ. Besides, if you live in Utah, it's about the only time of year when you actually get to see the color "green."

But I've gotta be honest: I'm not too fond of Easter celebrations. I mean, I don't really get off on coloring eggs, I don't dress up extra nice for church, and I stopped believing in the Easter Bunny MONTHS ago. There are no gift exchanges (except for the "secret bunny" we did here in the office, but that's another story), no Easter carols, no costume parties... Really, I don't see too much of a reason to get all exci- *cough* *hack* *cough* *GASP* ACK!!!! u7y66uy7u7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y7y

What's happened here? Oh my goodness! Doctor, come quick!

Hmm, this looks bad. But I've seen this before... Nurse! I need an IV drip with that cream from the Cadbury Eggs, stat!

Yes, Doctor!

Good, good. The color's coming back to his face, breathing's normal... Ah, he's coming around.

Huh, wha... What happened?

You passed out there for a minute. Looks like you had a pretty serious candy deficiency. But you should be okay now.

Wow. I feel... so weak...

It'll take you a couple minutes to get your strength back. You need to leave that IV in for a while, then I want you to take at least two Starburst jellybeans every hour for the next day or two. You'll be fine.

Gee, thanks, Doc!

Well, I don't really have the energy for this anymore. So I'm gonna... take it easy for a while. Happy Easter, everyone.

Boy, am I winded!