A Song For Your Wedding

Every time I think I'm out of single friends to get married, someone else ties the knot. Just recently, three of my best friends got hitched, and so I should take this opportunity to say "Congratulations" to Emma, Kristen, and Larissa, some of the greatest people I know.

Kristen's wedding was last night, and it was pretty fantastic. I spent a good portion of the evening rubbing my cheeks, which started to ache from all the smiling. I don't like smiling - it's hard on the face-meat. She and her hubby had their first dance to Frank Sinatra's "Cheek to Cheek," and it was a nice moment, with the bride all beaming and smiling and the groom all "Oh, the things I do for you."

So, of course, while they had their moment, I spent my time trying to come up with THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE SONG one could pick for their first dance.

My first thought was... well, I guess my first thought was actually "I Can't Get Started" by Ella Fitzgerald, but I just thought of that cuz they put it on that one episode of Gilmore Girls. Oh, don't act like you don't know which one I'm talking about.

My first original thought, though, was "Ms. Jackson" by Outkast - an admittedly awesome song, but hardly first-dance material. I mean, the beat's nice, but it's not the kind of slow-dancing romantic jam that couples tend to want to sway to. Basically, if you picked out "Ms. Jackson" for your wedding, you'd be doing so PRECISELY because of how terribly the subject matter of the song would match with the setting. Or maybe the groom just REALLY doesn't like the mother-in-law. I dunno.

Billy Idol's "White Wedding" is another solid candidate. It's a great song, and I could see a couple picking it up if they just really liked the beat and didn't mind the fact that all the references to shotguns would probably cause people to talk during the spotlight dance. "Nothing pure in this world," indeed.

Then, of course, I thought of "Me and Mrs. Jones" by Billy Paul (NOT Michael Buble!), which is probably the world's most famous song about adultery. This song's a great slow jam, and comes across as pretty romantic, too - provided you don't listen too closely to the words. And that's EXACTLY the sort of thing I'm looking for.

So that's probably it - "Me and Mrs. Jones" is the most inappropriate song anyone could possibly want to dance to at their wedding. Unless there's a worse one out there... somewhere... floating around in the mind of some poor soul who hates weddings even more than I do. If that person happens to be reading my blog, please share!

Otherwise, all the best go out to Kristen, Larissa, and all the other happy newlyweds out there.

Music for Motivation

Life has been... a little challenging lately. Stresses at work have made the usual Monday to Friday grind a bit grindier than usual. So, when face with a difficult situation, I have turned, as I'm wont to do, to entertainment for comfort. This time around, though, I've looked to (listened to?) music a bit more, and that's managed to get me through most days.

The musical How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying has one of the most impractical titles I've ever seen, but the music's nice. When I'me feeling down at work (ESPECIALLY at work), I pull out "I Believe in You," and everything gets a little shinier.

I have the Harry Potter Daniel Radcliffe version on my iPad, but the performance I love the most comes from the movie adaptation with Robert Morse.

I've always been the type to tear up when a movie or TV show teaches a moral that somehow directly applies to my current situation. The first season of The Legend of Korra ends with a doozy: When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change." The music from the soundtrack at that point helps to drive the message home, and I've played it more than once when things get hard.

Yes, I have the soundtrack to a children's show on my iTunes. Does that even surprise anyone anymore?

Sometimes, you need a little motivation of a different kind. When I'm feeling like I'm so bogged down with trouble that I can't even fantasize about the good life anymore, I remind myself that "With a Little Bit of Luck" it'll all work out.

My Fair Lady goes from being my favorite musical to my most-hated in the last thirty seconds of the show. The ending's that bad. The music's pretty nice throughout, though, and this number in particular is just so infectiously fun that I can't help but smile.

When even the thought of driving to work is horrid, I like a little bit of metal to motivate me. Danish metal does it best, and right now there's no metal Danishier than Volbeat's "A Warrior's Call"... which I'm pretty sure is all about MMA.

I drive angry. I like to drive angry. You know how runners will sometimes listen to rockin' music to get through their exercise routine? My thing's a lazier version of that.

Lastly, there are some days when you just need to motivate yourself into complete idleness. For those days, there's nothing like a little Otis Redding and "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay." If I listen to metal on the way in to work, this is the music that plays during the homeward bound commute. Mmm-boy, can't beat it.

So what are your most motivational songs?

Classically Minded

It seems I get angry a lot these days. Like, all the time. Frankly, I'm not sure why - it's been going on for a couple of weeks. One day I decided to try to combat some of the anger by listening to soothing music while I drive (instead of my usual audio diet of Death to the Harlots and Busta Capps, my go-to bands). So I rearranged my radio presets, and now I spend a lot of my commutes listening to "Classical 89." In so doing, I've learned a lot - mainly, that classical music doesn't make driving any less rage-inducing. But there have been other things, too.

• It's a lot easier to identify songs you like on classical music radio stations than on pop music stations. If I like a song on a pop station and try to look it up on the website later, I'm going to have a hard time picking out which of the songs I heard on the morning commute was the one that tickled my fancy-strings. Classical music, though, tends to play selections 15 to 20 minutes long - making whatever song I liked the only one I heard during the commute.
• I don't like horns. Never thought that'd be something I'd have an opinion on, but now it is. I've heard a few arrangements for horns only, and I just did not care for them at all.
• The 1812 Overture isn't just a popular melody played in the background of violent children's cartoons. It's actually a GENUINELY GOOD piece of music.
• Modest Mussorgsky (of Night on Bald Mountain fame) wrote another piece called Dance of the Persian Slaves, a piece which proves that, despite popular convention, Akon didn't invent the objectification of women in music.
• Classical music DJs are NOT VERY GOOD at their jobs. I've never heard so much stammering, stuttering, and otherwise botched lines from people whose job is to read stuff off paper.
• Is it just me, or can you actually hear the violinists breathe on classical recordings? Also, I bet that one guy who clapped before the piece ended bought the CD just so he could hear himself.
• I've found classical music to be really reliable - far more so than most other radio stations I listen to. I tend to surf music stations a lot - flipping from commercial to bad song to annoying morning show host back to commercial. With classical music, though, I can leave the radio on the station and enjoy most everything I hear on it.

You win, high school choir teacher. You win, my dad. Classical music is awesome.

Further Genre Nonsense

A little while back I rambled on a bit here about how silly genre classifications can be. I've had a couple of different conversations on the subject since then, and... well, my mind hasn't been changed at all. Actually, I've found some new evidence in SUPPORT of my view.

Although your mileage may vary on how credible you find evidence from iTunes.

I've never really used iTunes before about two months ago, and so I've been trying to take advantage of this opportunity by using the very limited amount of money I budget towards music purchases (which seriously boils down to about one song per pay check) to maximize the variety of music I have available to me. So I've been trying to buy music from a lot of different genres, as I really do like music from just about all classifications (well, except country, but even there I can find some artists whose existence makes me happy, even if their music doesn't).

Ad what I've found is that the music genre system - at least as set up by iTunes - is ridiculous. I mean, I have a lot of songs from the "alternative" genre, but what does that even mean? Are Oingo Boingo really in the same category as They Might Be Giants? And, if so, does AWOLNATION belong in that category with them?

And then I wound up with a Gotye song in the same genre as Émilie Simon's "Flowers." Now, I can see that those two songs belong together, but how does iTunes classify them? "Electronic"? Really?

Then, of course, there's the "Christian and Gospel" section of my music library, which is just made up of Robert Gardner's Lamb of God oratorio. Now, sure, it's a Christian production, but musically it seems to me that it fits more in with classical-style music like the Messiah than... this.

But where things REALLY fall apart is in the rock genre. It seems like NO ONE knows what's supposed to go on there. See, they've put Sweet's "Little Willy"

...in same category as Incubus and "Dig"

...where it sits next to "Come On Eileen"

...and... Avenged Sevenfold?

Seriously? Do ANY of those songs really belong in the same category as each other?

Admittedly, if they were really to record all of the complexities of the music genre system, we'd probably use up all the memory available on our little devices with pretty useless information. I mean, how is one to tell the difference between "adult contemporary heavy metal muzak" and "post neo-classical New Age pop rock"? Honestly, the world may not be ready for the answer.

Caroling, Caroling

I haven't mentioned much what I've been doing this Christmastime. A few months ago, a (foxy and fabulous) friend of mine who has been affiliated with the Heritage Singers at This Is The Place Heritage Park posted on Facebook that their group needed a bass. Well, since I happen to be a bass, I thought I'd give it a go.

So, yeah, I'm participating in the Candlelight Christmas celebrations at This Is The Place. Honestly, it's one of the best Christmas things I've done in forever.

Back in my high school choir days, the Christmas season was my favorite because of the ridiculous number of performances we had. During the month of December, my choir wound up singing at something like 30 different venues. I loved it, and honestly Christmas just hasn't felt the same since then.

Now I get to walk around and sing Christmas songs three days a week. I've learned some new songs (a rendition of "Deck the Halls" in 7/8 time), some old standards (a version of "I'll Be Home For Christmas" that my senior choir dedicated to the families of the 9/11 victims), and... um... "Up on the Housetop."

Oh, and as an added bonus, I get to dress like this:

Hint: I'm the one on the left.

Anyway, if you get a chance (especially if you have little ones), come check out Candlelight Christmas this year. If you come on a Monday, Wednesday, or Friday, you'll probably run into the dapper gentleman in the picture above (the one on the left). If you can only come Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday, come anyway. I hear the carolers those nights are both foxy and fabulous.

Vlasta Redl Gets Lost in Translation

So I speak Slovak.

Okay, so I don't speak Slovak well. But I useta did.

Okay, so maybe I never really spoke Slovak well. But I spoke Czech, and that's almost the same thing.

I served a mission for the LDS Church in the Czech Republic and Slovakia. I spent about six months in Bratislava (still one of my favorite places in the world), where my missionary companion picked up a CD of what we thought was some traditional folk music. We were both particularly captivated by a piece called "Bol raz jeden kráľ uhorský," and one day we decided to sit down and see if we could interpret the whole thing.

Now, at the best of times, I have difficulty understanding song lyrics. When they're in another language, then it's pretty much impossible. Heck, I heard the song "Dragostea din tei" (better known as "The Numa Numa Song" in a supermarket and thought it was in English.

Anyway, going into "Bol raz jeden kráľ uhorský," we had a pretty clear idea of what the song was about. The song (we thought) was about a little girl named Anička playing with her dolls. Her father comes in and tells her it's time for bed. Anička doesn't want to go to sleep, and so she cries the whole time while her father drags her to bed. She cries for about three verses, and then eventually falls asleep while her father sings her a lullaby.

Before we really tried to interpret the song, we were able to pick out the word panenka, which means "doll." There was also a line - "Choď Anička posteľ stlati" - which sounded an awful lot like a father telling his daughter to go to bed. So we felt pretty confident in our ability to figure out the rest of the song.

And... well, we were only kinda right.

See, the very first line - "Bol raz jeden kráľ uhorský / Ten podvodníček panenský" - revealed that this story had another character:

There once was a Hungarian king
A real deceiver of women.

Hoo-boy...

We already knew we had things wrong, so we looked up the word panenka again to find out what else it could mean.

And... um... it also means "virgins."

The line about the father telling Anička to go to bed, though, we got just right. The line AFTER that - "Bude s tebou pani spati" - means, "And this lady will go to bed with you."

Here's how the whole story unfolds:

A Hungarian king is able to have his way with all the ladies except Anička, the mayor's daughter. He goes to an old witch for advice, who instructs him to dress in women's clothes and go knock at the mayor's house. The mayor takes the disguised king in and sends him to tend his daughter...

From there, things get uncomfortable. Those three verses about Anička crying suddenly got a lot more sinister.

The final verse, which sounded an awful lot like a lullaby, was exactly that, except it was Anička singing to her son - the child she had after her night with the Hungarian king.

I don't know that we ever listened to that song again.

Oppa Braddy Style!

Maybe some of you haven't yet experienced the majesty of "Gangnam Style." If you belong to that crowd, I would recommend that you click here.

No, go back up there and click that link. Do it now.

There, don't you feel better?

"Gangnam Style" is a Korean pop song by a fella by the name of Psy. Thanks in large part to that rather goofy music video, it's currently the biggest thing on the internet (you know, until somebody posts a video of a hamster playing the harmonica or something). The song's been the number one download on iTunes, and... well, basically, it's everywhere.

And I've gotta say: Not only do I hope "Gangnam Style" is here to stay, but I hope we hear a lot more music like it. I'm pretty sure this K-pop marvel may be the best thing that's happened to popular music in the last several years.

I'll say it again, to prove that I'm serious. This:

is the best thing that's happened in contemporary pop music.

I listen to a lot of Top 40 radio while driving around the Salt Lake Valley and get REALLY SICK of all the samey-sounding "let's have sex in public while 'nnn-TISH nnn-TISH nnn-TISH' blasts through the speakers" garbage that's passed off as music these days, and even though "Gangnam Style" shares a lot of similarities with that kind of music, there's a lot to love here.

First of all, it's totally refreshing to have a hit song NOT in English. I've heard a statistic thrown around (a complete garbage statistic, I'm sure, but one that happens to line up with my own tastes) stating that 90% of everything is crap. The way I see it, if we limit ourselves to only that 10% of music that's good which is delivered in English, we're letting a lot of truly excellent music slip by us. So, by all means, pipe more of that K-pop through our radio tubes, Oh Great Musical Mens!

Obviously, "Gangnam Style" has a sense of humor. Whether you find that humor refreshing or horrifying probably depends on your tolerance for pelvic-thrusting, but I, for one, would like to see more lightheartedness in the pop world, which takes itself far too seriously for being the most frivolous and transitory of all musical stylings extant.

Even beyond that, though, there's a real sense of satire to what Psy's put together here - especially when the translated lyrics are coupled with the video. Here's an article that goes into things with a bit more depth than I intend to here. Suffice it to say, "Gangnam Style" has got a lot more substance to it than the goofy-as-fun video would imply.

So, yeah, "Gangnam Style." I want more, please!

World's Worst Lyrics: Call Me Maybe

The Culprit

The Offending Lyric

I threw a wish in the well,
Don't ask me, I'll never tell
I looked to you as it fell,
And now you're in my way


Why is it bad?

That's why.

Music Crawl - Kimbra

I imagine you've all heard this song already:

If you haven't, I recommend you give it another listen. And, when you do, start paying attention to this lady.

In case you get confused by genders, I circled the lady. I know it's difficult to tell the difference when everybody's naked.

That's Kimbra. I knew nothing about her other than she sang on this song. I did a bit of a music crawl through the YouTubes and now... I still know nothing about her.

Well, except that she dances with all the elan of Elaine Benes:

She sometimes sports some rather silly hair:

Oh, and her music's pretty stinkin' good:

I like music quite a bit, but I'm not particularly adept at discussing music in depth. I have no idea if Kimbra's music is "hip" or not, or if real music snobs out there are freaking out at me for recommending her.

Whatever. I like the stuff. You should too.

World's Worst Lyrics: Your Song

The Culprit

The Offending Lyric

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen


Why is it bad?


That's why.

Music and Handwaving

This past weekend was one of the more "musical" experiences I've had in a while. Things kicked off pretty solidly with Lamb of God, an oratorio written by Rob Gardner about the final days in the life of Jesus Christ. My stake had been working on the music for several months. At the last minute (about two or three weeks before the performance deadline), I was pulled in to help with the narration.

Doing the narration was a lot of fun (especially since I had a lot of people pay me some very nice compliments about my voice), but, honestly, I think I would have much rather been in the choir itself. I miss choir singing - it's about the only thing I think was actually better about my life when I was in high school. So to have such a solid opportunity to sing in a quality production and MISS it like I did... well, it's pretty sucky.

I got to LISTEN, though, and I have to say that, for a Mormon-written musical production, Lamb of God is EXCELLENT. And it may not even need the "Mormon" qualifier. It's basically the way Les Mis would have turned out if they'd written about Jesus rather than Jean Valjean.

I find that comparison actually makes a lot of sense - musically, Les Mis is VERY melodramatic, full of high emotion. Yet the drama and emotion is played very straight and very sincerely. The high drama and serious tone actually go very well with the story of the crucifixion. Stylistically, it's a very good match.

I also decided, during Lamb of God, that "Gloria" may just be the most enjoyable word to sing. You get the long, sliding "l" sound followed by the flip of the tongue on the "r," and it's just heavenly. Really mad I missed out on singing that number.

(By the way, if you want to hear Lamb of God, the whole thing is on Spotify, which I'm told is a thing that exists on the internet.)

Now, just because I wasn't in this one choir doesn't mean my life's completely devoid of music. In fact, I've been the choir director at church for several months now. Sunday, we finally had the opportunity to have a real rehearsal - meaning, we had more than two people show up. So we actually got to practice singing some music, and I got to show off my excellent directorial skills.

By "excellent," of course, I mean "crap." Turns out, I'm not very good.

Thankfully, I've got some "resources" to draw on. Y'all may not know this, but I used to be a reference librarian. Basically, that means that when I come across something I don't know, I like to hit the books.

I've got some good resources to draw on, too, most notably from my cousin Juan Carlos, who is awesome. He loaned me one of his old conducting textbooks, and it's been extraordinarily helpful, even in just the first chapter. For example, did you know that music conducting is about FAR MORE than waving your arm?

Seriously, I didn't know this, but it's true. When conducting music, the motion in your arm can originate in one of three places - the wrist, the elbow, or the shoulder. One of those three parts should move, and the other two stay as still as possible to avoid a flailing, limp effect that is difficult to read. Quieter dynamics are indicated by smaller motions, so a pianissimo can be conducted by just the slightest motion of the wrist and fingers. A dramatic fortissimo requires the whole arm from the shoulder down.

Maybe this sounds obvious to everyone else, but I was pretty stoked to find out about the subtle motions that go into conducting. See, if there's one thing I hate, it's not knowing something. But if there's one thing I love, it's learning something new.

World's Worst Lyrics: International Love

The Culprit



The Offending Lyric

You put it down like New York City
(I never sleep) Wild like Los Angeles
(My fantasy) Hotter than Miami
(I feel the heat) Oh, Miss International Love

Why is it bad?


That's why.

World's Worst Lyrics: The Warrior

The Culprit


The Offending Lyric

You talk talk, talk to me
Your eyes touch me physically

Why is it bad?

That's why.

The College Years Playlist

So I'm tottering on the edge of 28 years old - pretty much a full-grown adult by every definition of the word (except possibly Urban Dictionary). I've been a college graduate for nearly four years now - more than enough time to get settled into adulthood, right?

Apparently not. I actually still feel like the same person I was in college... at least, I do until I have to interact with college students.

Anyway, I heard some of the music I used to listen to back in college and got a little nostalgic. Thought I'd share some of it with you.


All American Rejects, "Move Along"

I'm pretty sure almost every college student (well, all the white ones, at least) listened to a lot of All-American Rejects back in the day of... 2007. So long ago...

Well, I'm not gonna apologize for it. I STILL love this song, and will probably listen to it regularly forever.


My Chemical Romance, "Welcome to the Black Parade"

Man, this song... I mean, it wants SO HARD to be "Bohemian Rhapsody" that you can't help but love it a little, can you?

I mean, it's almost like a little kid dressing up in an oversized leather jacket because he thinks it makes him look tough. It's ADORABLE.


Gym Class Heroes, "Cupid's Chokehold"

Man, if there's a song I'm EMBARASSED to have liked, it's this one... but that's probably just because I don't like people to know I have a sense of humor.

I was lured in by the bizarre Supertramp sample, and I stuck around for the goofy music video, which I'm now obligated to hate because Katy Perry's in it.


Angels and Airwaves, "The Adventure"

I didn't really LISTEN to this song so much as I HEARD it. A lot. From my roommate's computer. Who listened to this song nearly every day. For two years.

Thankfully, it's actually a pretty good one.


Emilie Simon, "Flowers"

Probably the most obscure song on my list. Another roommate of mine played this song a lot, and I kinda fell in love with the Tim Burton-y visuals in the video.

The song itself is really strong, too. Emilie Simon chews her words like a French girl (for pretty obvious reasons), and that adds quite a bit to the charm.

Honorable mention: Pretty much everything at homestarrunner.com.(but you probably assumed that when I said "college student," didn't you?)

A Voice In The Choir

Last Sunday was Stake Conference for my little Mormon neighborhood. A bunch of single kids 18-30 years old gathered in a big room to be told how much they need to get married (spoiler: they need to get married thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much). I was in the choir, so I sat up on the stand the whole time. Apparently, my face was in the monitor the whole time, so I got projected up on the screen with all the speakers. That may be a problem, because my ability to express sarcasm with my face is inversely proportionate to my ability to gauge how appropriate it is to express sarcasm with my face in a given scenario.

Anyway, being in the choir was kinda cool. I actually LOVE singing, and, now that I’m not involved in school choirs and musicals as much as I used to be, I have very few opportunities to sing in quality productions. Thankfully, the stake choir had the talent and direction to be a powerful, positive singing experience. We sang some pretty standard Mormon musical numbers, including a hymn arranged by Mack Wilberg, considered by some to be the LDS equivalent of Handel (and others the LDS equivalent of Randy Newman).


The NICE thing about Wilberg (and Handel, for that matter) is that he really knows how to write good bass parts. Most of the Mack Wilberg pieces I’ve ever sung have really strong closing chords. The basses frequently wind up on a middle C, which isn’t too high in the bass range to be difficult to sing, but high enough that they get the high note rush that explains why most tenors I know are emaciated stoners.

Just kidding. Tenors are great people. Hardly stoned at all. I just like to incite bass/tenor rivalries everywhere I go. I’m probably the only person in the world who thinks it’s funny.

Really, there’s a bit of a rush that comes when you get to sing the high notes in your register at full voice and hold them for a long time. That’s the moment when you realize that, as a singer, you’re not really the artist at all. You’re the instrument. Your entire body is designed to transport and transform this air you breathe into a sound worth listening to. Your vocal chords vibrate with the passing air, much like the strings in a piano or the reed in a saxophone. Truly, the singer is like God’s Clarinet. Or, in my case, God’s Kazoo.

The Question of Art, or, Why Braddy Hates Hipsters

Ever see a picture that looks like it was drawn in MS Paint or something and cock an eyebrow? The comment I usually hear is something along the lines of, "Is this art?"

You know what? Screw that question.

The question "What is art?" is hugely problematic and always bugs me. See, when I hear someone asking what art IS, I get the impression that they're more interested in what art ISN'T. I think the question is most often applied to commercial art, where the attitude seems to be "If everyone likes it, then it must not be any good."

If there ever was a reason to hate hipsters, this is it. I remember sitting in once on a conversation (that sounds so much nicer than "eavesdropping," doesn't it?) some friends had about a song they both loved. They had a little bit of a dance party while they played the song on their iPod. Eventually, this song that they loved so much - "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros - got a lot of exposure on commercials and television. I mentioned this to one of my friends, only to hear her say, "Man, the song sucks now."

Frankly, that's a terrible attitude. You can argue that the song is overplayed, or that the band sold out, but those are issues that have little to do with the basic QUALITY of the piece. When you hear a good song, watch an awesome movie, or see something that makes you smile, you should want to SHARE it with people. Otherwise, what's the point?

Oh, you mean the point is to maintain a fragile sense of superiority over others? Sorry, my bad. Carry on, then.

If the World Were a Musical...

Last night I gave a friend of mine a quick recap on a show I saw last week. Afterwards, we started imagining how the world would be different if it operated by the same rules of musical theater – people breaking out into song and dance, etc. We compiled a small list of possibilities – one which has grown considerably since.

IF THE WORLD WERE A MUSICAL…

• Babies would learn to crawl, then walk, and then soft shoe.
• Two young men ballet dancing in the street would be cause to call the police.
• Sixteen-year-old girls would all look twenty-five.
• The physically uncoordinated would be sent to “special class” in school.
• Roger Ebert would call High School Musical a “startlingly realistic depiction of adolescent heartache.”
• Piano skills could be listed on a resume as a second language.
• No wars would ever be fought; however, large crowds of soldiers would inexplicably flock to bars.
• Tone deaf people would have NO friends.
• The tax system would collapse, as all accountants would quit their jobs to pursue more artistic careers.
• Ugly people would ALWAYS be evil. Period.
• Generational disputes would be accompanied by country guitar, keyboard synthesizers, and a turntable.
• The Salvation Army bellmen would release an album… and it would go platinum.
• All women you ask out on dates will say “no” first, until you have a duet with them. Then they’ll shoot you.
• Matthew Broderick would be voted “World’s Sexiest Man” for YEARS until Neil Patrick Harris rose to fame.
• People would only kiss after hitting the highest note in their register.
• Basses will never get kissed.
• Nobody would sit outside on the balcony to be alone but to sing ensemble pieces with the neighbors.
• Every city in the world would have its own theme song, which immigrants would be required to sing upon entering the borders or be deported.
• All Americans would speak with New York accents.
• Talking to one’s-self wouldn’t be considered strange – it’d be expected.
• People could walk down the street in their underwear and attract no attention.
• The government would quarantine an entire city if one case of a cold is reported.
• The center of the filmmaking world would be in India, not California.
• Pirate would still be a viable career option.
• All politicians would be tenors.
• All landlords would be basses.
• The Gettysburg Address would begin, “Four score and seven bars ago…”
• No one would actually NEED to wear glasses, but everyone would wear them until they became sexually available.
• Andrew Lloyd Weber would be a famous biographer… and he’d still suck.

Songs that Make Me Smile

So I've been having kind of a rough, stupid day. Instead of dwelling on it, I've chosen to think instead on some of the music that makes me smile every time I hear it.

And, no, Rebecca Black isn't on the list. Poor girl.


Katrina and the Waves: "Walking on Sunshine"

What? It's a legitimately happy song.


Cee-Lo Green: "F*** You"

I liked this song before it was on Glee.


Justin Timberlake: "My Love"

Here's a deep, dark secret for you: I've always liked N*SYNC.


My Chemical Romance: "Welcome to the Black Parade"

Science has yet to find a reason why ANYTHING about My Chemical Romance would make a person smile, yet here we are.


Robert Palmer: "Addicted to Love

Fun fact: When I grow up, I want to be Robert Palmer.

Why I'm Still Single 30

And, for the record, that's EXACTLY how I dance.

Things I'll Love Forever: The Fantasticks

I've long considered musical theater to be something of a broken genre. Admittedly, my opinion is based primarily on the relatively limited selection of musicals I've been exposed to, a list that consists primarily of Rodgers and Hammerstein artifacts (Sorry, Sound of Music fans, but I find your show quaint and uninspired).

Back in college, though, I took a class on the history of the Broadway musical where I was exposed to this little production:


My life's been better for it.

1. The Fantasticks involves a tiny cast of seven people (and a wall) on a tiny stage - so unlike the pomp and bombast of today's Broadway productions. The intimacy of the show allows for a purer focus on storytelling over showmanship - something you rarely see in Broadway anymore.
2. Despite the small size of the cast, every character leaves a powerful impression - from the silly romantic Louisa to the (culturally insensitive?) Indian Mortimer who is good at dying.
3. The enigmatic El Gallo, narrator (and antagonist?) of the story sits on my list of roles I'd love to play. He's equal parts charismatic and threatening - a showman's showman.
4. Most Broadway nerds unfamiliar with The Fantasticks have heard and love "Try To Remember," a low-key, moving little number about clinging to good memories when times are hard. The other music's worth checking out as well. Sadly, you don't get to hear the rape song anymore ("It Depends on What You Pay") without heavy alterations to the lyrics (but we all still talk about "The Rape of the Sabine Women").
5. In my mind, the most ingenious aspect of The Fantasticks is how the show is able to turn its alleged weaknesses to its advantage. A cardboard moon hanging during a romantic scene is taken down when the mystique of the evening turns to the unflattering light of day. There's not even an actual wall in the story, but a mime holding a stick. The "wall" can thus serve as a one-man stage crew and prop dispenser, all surprisingly without breaking the illusion of the show.
6. When you add it all together - the simplistic set, the broken character cliches, and the cardboard moon - The Fantasticks serves as a surprisingly sophisticated deconstruction of the Broadway musical. The show definitely has a cynical side but manages to maintain the heart of a good, old-fashioned Broadway romance even so.

The movie version, starring New Kid on the Block Joey McIntyre and Teller (of Penn & Teller) in a speaking role, served as my introduction to the show. However, you're best served catching it on stage if you can... and I just so happen to know of a production in Murray right now. Go see it!

The Fantasticks won me over by showing that you can have your cynical cake and eat it too, and that's why I'll love it forever.