A Song For Your Wedding

Every time I think I'm out of single friends to get married, someone else ties the knot. Just recently, three of my best friends got hitched, and so I should take this opportunity to say "Congratulations" to Emma, Kristen, and Larissa, some of the greatest people I know.

Kristen's wedding was last night, and it was pretty fantastic. I spent a good portion of the evening rubbing my cheeks, which started to ache from all the smiling. I don't like smiling - it's hard on the face-meat. She and her hubby had their first dance to Frank Sinatra's "Cheek to Cheek," and it was a nice moment, with the bride all beaming and smiling and the groom all "Oh, the things I do for you."

So, of course, while they had their moment, I spent my time trying to come up with THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE SONG one could pick for their first dance.

My first thought was... well, I guess my first thought was actually "I Can't Get Started" by Ella Fitzgerald, but I just thought of that cuz they put it on that one episode of Gilmore Girls. Oh, don't act like you don't know which one I'm talking about.

My first original thought, though, was "Ms. Jackson" by Outkast - an admittedly awesome song, but hardly first-dance material. I mean, the beat's nice, but it's not the kind of slow-dancing romantic jam that couples tend to want to sway to. Basically, if you picked out "Ms. Jackson" for your wedding, you'd be doing so PRECISELY because of how terribly the subject matter of the song would match with the setting. Or maybe the groom just REALLY doesn't like the mother-in-law. I dunno.

Billy Idol's "White Wedding" is another solid candidate. It's a great song, and I could see a couple picking it up if they just really liked the beat and didn't mind the fact that all the references to shotguns would probably cause people to talk during the spotlight dance. "Nothing pure in this world," indeed.

Then, of course, I thought of "Me and Mrs. Jones" by Billy Paul (NOT Michael Buble!), which is probably the world's most famous song about adultery. This song's a great slow jam, and comes across as pretty romantic, too - provided you don't listen too closely to the words. And that's EXACTLY the sort of thing I'm looking for.

So that's probably it - "Me and Mrs. Jones" is the most inappropriate song anyone could possibly want to dance to at their wedding. Unless there's a worse one out there... somewhere... floating around in the mind of some poor soul who hates weddings even more than I do. If that person happens to be reading my blog, please share!

Otherwise, all the best go out to Kristen, Larissa, and all the other happy newlyweds out there.

Best Songs From My Little Pony (Shut Up)

A week or two ago, I met up with my friends from the book club for dinner just before heading off to watch The Great Gatsby. Over dinner, I fended off accusations of being a "brony." See, as obsessed enthusiastic as I get about the things I like, I tend to prefer not to self-identify by my passions. Thus I vehemently denied being anything more than a casual fan of the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

And then I go and do something like this. Mixed signals, I guess.

It is with only a teensy bit of shame that I admit how much I enjoy the music of MLP. A lot of it is frilly and saccharine, but... heck, that's actually part of the appeal of the show. Every now and again, the writers put a lot of effort into creating a real breakout musical moment. So now, while I'm waiting for my Season 2 DVDs to arrive in the mail, I'mma count down my 10 favorite songs from the series.

Yeeeeaaahh... Here we go:


10 - This Day Aria

As much as I'm one to assert that MLP is totally a show for dudes and all their manly pectorals, I have a hard time defending that position with all the whirly girly plots that drive most of the action. Case in point: The Season 2 finale is all about *squee* a wedding.

Of course, it is a wedding involving an evil doppelgänger, who kidnaps the real bride and then sings a song about how eeeeeeevil she is. It's a plot straight out of a comic book, and the song's not bad, either.


9 - At the Gala

Oh yeah, and the Season 1 finale is all about a going to a BALL! Somebody call Betty Friedan!

Musically, this song takes more than a few pages from Stephen Sondheim and Into the Woods. And, really, if your foundation is Sondheim, you're probably going to end up in a pretty good place. Admittedly, you could probably get the same level of satisfaction from listening to "Ever After" instead, but adding cartoon ponies doesn't really hurt the source material.


8 - The Smile Song

Pretty pony Pinkie Pie is the resident cloudcuckoolander of the cast. In small doses, she's entertaining. Whenever she's the center of attention, though, she gets pretty grating. That said, the song where she confesses just how much she loves to watch other people smile is pretty endearing... even though the lyrics kinda imply that Pinkie just isn't capable of coping with sadness. In that light, they're kinda disturbing. Still a fun song, though.


7 - Becoming Popular (The Pony Everypony Should Know)

Okay, I don't know who does the singing voice for the pony Rarity (actually, I do, though that information doesn't really mean much to me), but I freaking LOVE HER. Anytime Rarity gets a chance to sing, that episode immediately shoots to the top of my favorites list. The character Rarity is vain, selfish, and a bit of a jerk... but that voice! Pretty sweet.


6 - Winter Wrap Up

The song "Winter Wrap Up" hits pretty early in Season 1. Up to this point, most of the songs have been goofy, fourth-wall-breaking moments from Pinkie Pie. "Winter Wrap Up" cements MLP as a pretty purple girly show that is also occasionally a musical. And musicals are awesome.

For their first real musical production, the MLP crew does well. The melody sticks in your head, and it manages to cheer me up tidily.


5 - The Flim Flam Brothers

My Little Pony takes more than a few musical inspirations from Broadway (we've got at least one more coming up). Here, they riff on the song "(Ya Got)Trouble" from The Music Man. A pair of slick characters come to Ponyville, peddling a product guaranteed to make the smoothest cider y'all ever done tasted. As a musical number, it's really effective at being catchy and furthering the plot - a feat most musical numbers on Broadway aren't able to manage.


4 - A True True Friend

The MLP Season 3 finale jams, like, seven songs into a twenty-two minute episode. As a result... it's pretty weak. The music, though has never been better, and this song is easily the highlight. The song manages to tak a bizarre body-swapping plot and turn it into a problem that can only be solved by friendship, which is exactly the type of ridiculous, larger-than-life metaphor I love in my entertainment. Sure, it's cheesy, but it never fails to bring a tear to my eye.

Yeah, I'm kind of a wuss. Stupid horses, making me cry! Batman, punch a horse for me, please!


3 - Raise This Barn

Man, did Raffi write this? You will never, ever, EVER forget how to count to four after the song is over.

But I like the song. I really do. Applejack's probably my other favorite character (after Rarity), but she doesn't really have the same level of musical exposure. There's just a sense of unabashed fun surrounding this little hoe-down ditty. I dig it.


2 - Babs Seed

Arguably the best song in the series - even if it isn't quite my favorite. The Cutie Mark Crusaders, a trio of under-developed fillies (and that's a plot point that STILL makes me uncomfortable) have to face down a bully. They sing out their sorrows in a retro-style number, complete with a fun and fancy music video. The animation's hypnotic, and the chorus sticks in your head long after the music fades.


1 - Art of the Dress

A Sondheim-inspired musical number performed by Rarity? Yes, please!

"Winter Wrap Up" may be the first big musical number of the series, but I consider "Art of the Dress" to be the best. It's a great defining moment for a character who often comes off as one-dimensional, showing the care and deliberation she puts into every creative act. It's a number I not only enjoy listening to, but, in a way, I connect with it.

Thanks for sticking with me through the list. Yeah, it's, um, pinker than usual. As a reward... I dunno. How about Batman beating the tar out of a bear?

Yeah, that'll do.

My Bloody Tuesday

Last night I went to a blood drive held at a local churchhouse. I'm not a regular donor, so I think I was a little out of the loop with how things work. Apparently, they don't just stick you on a table now and suck your blood out through that crazy-straw thing anymore. Turns out they've got all sorts of options for the McDonald's generation of charitable bleeders.

So I'm sitting in that little booth answering all those questions ("Hare you spent more than three years in any subterranean cultures?" "Have you breathed on anyone with AIDS?" "Are you a mudblood?"). Then the tech comes in and stabs me in the finger with that needle that's tipped with whatever poinson makes your hand hurt for the next three days. He takes a look at my donor card and says, "Well, your blood type is O Awesomesauce, so would you be willing to hubbidy hoobidy flup flup?"

I, of course, don't want to admit that I don't know what he's talking about, so I throw my arms in the air and say, "Who wouldn't?"

Turns out what he was asking was if I would like to donate red blood cells instead of whole blood. Basically, they strap your arm to a Hoover vacuum which sucks out the blood, spins it in a centrifuge to remove all those tasty red blood cells, and then pump whatever's left back into your arm mixed with some Cherry Coke.

Meanwhile, you've got technicians walking past and asking you constantly how you're doing and whether you're experiencing any pain. I never know how to answer that question, because there's a NEEDLE in my ARM!!! Of COURSE I'm in pain!

Also, one of the lab techs says I look like Carlos Boozer. I'll admit it - I had to look up who he was. I'm not sure I see the resemblance.

All bald people look alike.

Anyway, once they get me all un-blooded and centrifuged, they sent me over to the snack table. They always stock those things so full of cookies and juice that you'd think you were at a pre-schooler picnic if it weren't for all the bags of blood lying around. After all, pre-schoolers like their blood free-range.

There's a friend of mine staffing the snack table, a girl who has taken an unhealthy interest in my romantic life. Unhealthy for whom I'm not so sure. She seems to be doing fine.

Anyway, we chat for a minute, and she tells me I need to sit down. I say I don't want to, and I feel fine, but that only makes her more insistent. She offers to go get me some juice, and I tell her I don't want any juice. Never before have I felt quite so much like an old man.

Finally, she just snaps at me and said, "You need to let yourself be nurtured by a woman." Then we both laugh loudly and very uncomfortably, because what else can you do at that point?

So that ends my adventure with the Red Cross. It was a thrilling experience, and one that I'll probably be repeating in four months. Next time, though, I'll be sure to take along a little sandwich baggie full of prunes.

Movie of the Year: 2011

I generally don’t watch a lot of movies in the theater – my time is too valuable and my wallet too thin. However, this past year, I’ve seen quite a few. More surprising (considering how discerning my tastes are) I’ve enjoyed all of them. Kung Fu Panda 2 impressed me with a sincere heart and surprisingly well-crafted plot, while Rango won me over with quirky visuals. The Help mixed comedy and drama with great effect, and Cowboys and Aliens was about the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

However, none of the above movies, nor any of the other films I’ve seen this year, brought me nearly as much joy as last night’s cinematic masterpiece. I’m not kidding, and I’m not trying to be funny – the movie I saw last night is easily the most enjoyable movie I’ve seen all year.

Heaven help me, but I loved the @#%$ out of Shark Night 3D.


I have to thank the lovely Larissa for being born and celebrating by taking us all to watch this masterpiece of a motion picture. Shark Night 3D is one of the most insane, over-the-top stories I’ve ever witnessed, and I enjoyed every second of it. I’ma get into some pretty intensive SPOILERS here, so if you ever plan on seeing Shark Night 3D, you may want to come back to this review later.

And if you’re NOT planning on seeing Shark Night 3D, you should probably reconsider that decision.

Shark Night 3D delivers exactly what it sets out to do, which is, of course, show a bunch of people get eaten to bits by sharks. In 3D. And, you know, it’s night, so… yeah, you get just what it says on the tin. But the QUALITY of the nocturnal fish feedings is what makes the movie such a delight.

The plot’s about what you’d expect from a horror/exploitation flick: A group of college kids head off to their rich friend’s island mansion for some weekend fun times complete with beer pong and sexy thongs, when they suddenly find themselves savaged by vicious sharks inhabiting the lake. Of course, their cell phones don’t get signal in the middle of the lake, and since rich people don’t believe in landlines, the kids are on their own.

Now, if you’re a smart viewer, you’re probably asking where the sharks are coming from, and how the crap they’re getting to a lake so far inland. Ready for the spoiler? It turns out a cabal of local crazies – made up primarily of the inbred hick, the pervert convenience store owner, the corrupt sheriff, and the rich girl’s bitter ex-boyfriend – bring the sharks into the lake and strap cameras to their heads so they can get film of sharks eating people.

That’s right – the villains of the picture are making shark snuff films.

SHARK.

SNUFF.

FILMS.

If that’s not already an episode of CSI… well, it SHOULD be.

The shark kills themselves are just about as spectacularly ludicrous as the plot itself. There’s one scene in particular where the pretty-boy jock is racing away on his jet ski, only to have a shark jump clean out of the water and swallow him whole (to the cheering and laughter of the whole audience). It’s completely ridiculous – but I guarantee it’d scare the Fonz away from the water for the rest of his life.

In case you’re worried, let me assure you it’s not just the violence that’s nonsensically exaggerated. Nearly 50% of the shots feature prominent booty or cleavage shots of the girl in the cast, and… well, I’m pretty sure that they use their 3D effects to their fullest. Are these shots shameless and demeaning? Definitely. Are they sexy or appealing? Not even a little bit. But they ARE freakin’ hilarious.

Oh, and true to horror movie fashion, it’s pretty much just the prettiest and most virginal of the white people that survive to the movie’s end. As you’d expect, the sex-obsessed get killed off pretty thoroughly, but it’s really the film’s treatment of its token characters that surprised me most. Seriously, Shark Night 3D killed off its minority members faster than the KKK after Affirmative Action.

And I know I say this a lot, but that last sentence is the single most horrifying thing I’ve EVER written.

Now, if you do see Shark Night 3D, you MUST stay through to the end of the credits. It seems most movies have SOME kind of little tag at the end, whether it’s a blooper reel or just a horrifying little monkey. But Shark Night 3D doesn’t settle for anything so mundane. No, they have a RAP number performed by the members of the cast:

Yo, shark! You bit my girlfriend and now she’s dead
So I’m gonna run this spear through your mother-sharkin’ head!

(Sadly, the author of this blog was not able to remember the lyrics exactly; however, the line “mother-sharkin’” IS dropped, and it is AWESOME.)

Okay, so Shark Night 3D is not in any way a GOOD movie, but… wait, did you just faint from the shock of that revelation? Seriously? C’mon, pick yourself up off the floor. You look ridiculous.

No, if you want a quality flick that’ll enrich your soul and strengthen your mind, go see… anything else. Heck, I’m willing to bet you’d find more substance in Sex and the City 2. But for my money, those movies aren’t nearly as fun as Shark Night 3D.

Just be sure the theater’s empty when you watch the movie so people don’t get upset while you “Statler and Waldorf” it to death.

The Ballad of Braddy and Katie

PART TWO - THE INVISIBLE COURTSHIP

(read Part One)

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING*: High school can cause unnecessary melodrama and unfortunate fashion decisions. What you consider "cool" as a teenager will cause mild to severe embarrassment in later years.

Summer vacation rolled around, and, suddenly, I lost pretty much all contact with the girl I went on my very first date with. I spent most of the summer doing janitorial work at Lake Ridge Elementary School, but, every now and again, I'd spend a Saturday night at local church dances. I went to each of these dances, hoping I'd run into Katie again. I think she actually did go to one of them, so, naturally, I spent the whole night avoiding her.


I also think I may have had a nervous throw-up (cuz, you know, teenager).

When the school year started up again, I went out for the fall musical, Li'l Abner (a surprisingly excellent show that deserves to be better known than it is). Much to my delight, Katie auditioned for the show as well. We both made chorus parts, which meant I had another place to accidentally run in to my dream girl and pretend I barely remembered her.

The one drawback to being in Li'l Abner, though, was that my part REQUIRED me to grow out my facial hair as long as I could. I went three months without shaving. Nowadays, that'd give me a pretty substantial and rugged beard, but back then, my follicle ferocity wasn't NEARLY where it is now. I looked... like a patchwork badger. It was sad.

About this time, word got out among my peers that I had my sights set on some girl - but no one knew who (unless they had eyes). I'd long cultivated an image of disinterest in dating - I just wasn't interested in anyone - so my friends all thought it was a pretty big deal. I still felt like it needed to be a secret.

Eventually, my buddy Garret caught Katie and me having a real conversation. He said nothing, but he stood there for five minutes, looking back and forth between me and her with his eyebrows raised. Finally, I pulled him aside, where I shoved him against the wall and threatened to kill him if he told anyone (cuz, you know, teenager).

So I thought things were going well... but then, HE showed up.

His name was Dwayne. He was a member of the football team, a brilliant tenor, and he played Lonesome Polecat in the show (meaning he actually got to shave). He set his sights on Katie, and I lost pretty much all chance of being with the girl I liked.

Closing night of the show, I pulled Katie aside and told her that I really liked her. She was kind about it, but she showed a bit of confusion. I didn't know quite what to make of her expression until the cast party that night, when she left the restaurant with Dwayne's arm around her shoulder. Needless to say, I was crushed. I went home that night and sat in my room with the lights off, playing to Savage Garden's "Gunning Down Romance" to myself on repeat.

We later had another talk, where Katie admitted that she liked me, too, but she also had feelings for Dwayne. She decided not to date either of us, for the time being, but to continue being friendly with everyone. I was totally OK with this decision.

The fickle high-school popularity fates then showered me with some favor. Garret had recently formed a small singing group with a couple of other guys from choir, and they needed an extra bass. They asked me to join up with them, and, soon, I was a member of the a capella quintet The Grasscutters (the name comes from an old slang term for stealing someone else's girl).

Right before the show, the other Grasscutters took me aside for a bit of a makeover. I shaved the beard, got my hair cut short, and added some blonde highlights (that really came out looking like leopard spots). By the time that curtain went up, I was hot, awesome, and ready to doo-whop to "In the Still of the Night" like nobody's business.

Katie sat front and center, and Dwayne was nowhere in sight.

TO BE CONTINUED

*The above warning was not actually issued by the Surgeon General.

Dora the Ex-Plorer

The Jesters Royale play a fun little improv-standard game called "Famous Last Words," where the players try to come up with funny examples of what celebrities and famous fictional characters would say right before they kick the bucket. After last night's game, I've come to the rather unnerving conclusion that it's REALLY EASY to kill off children's show characters.

Case in point: Dora the Explorer.

• Can you say muerte?
• (singing) I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the GAT!!!
• Backpack: Hey, Dora, do you know why I'm so heavy today? Because I'm full of EXPLOSIVES!
  Dora: Kids, can you say fuego?
• Sniper! No sniping! Sniper, no [gunshot]

And my personal favorite:

• (singing)Rope. Chair. Rafter in the attic. Rope. Chair. Rafter in the attic

There... may be something wrong with me.