The Hippopotamus and the Meaning of Life: An Improvised Poem

The morning sun rises on the Serengeti

And the tall grasses wave just like spaghetti.

The animals stir from their sleep in the marshes
And shake off the dew from their ears and their arshes.

First and foremost is the great hippopotamus...

...who dies at sundown.

Last weekend during the Jesters Royale show, we played a game called Poetry Slam, wherein the players all make up a poem based on an audience suggestion.  The audience suggested "hippopotamus."

Turns out no one knew how to rhyme with "hippopotamus."  Coulda used some help from Bret and Jemaine.

Psycho Bash. Also, Why I Improv

Halloween is less than a week away, which means that it's time once again for the Jesters Royale Psycho Bash, also known as "The Best Halloween-themed Improv Show of the Year."

Don't believe me? Just look at the stellar advertising we've done:


Halloween's something of a big deal to the Jesters Royale, and the annual show is a pretty important anniversary for me, as I've been participating in these shows for my entire tenure with the team. This year will be my fourth Halloween show, and... well, I must say I'm kinda surprised I'm still here. If you'd asked me a couple of years ago whether I saw myself doing improv with the Jesters still in 2011, I'd probably have said no. Yet, here we are.

Improv comedy is more than just a hobby I share with Michael Scott. The Jesters have proven to be a fantastic group of people - I'm constantly in awe of their talent and dedication to the craft of comedy (and, yeah, it's a craft). In the seemingly short amount of time I've been with them, I've learned a lot about timing, character development, and stage presence - important skills for comedians, no doubt. The thing is, I've applied these same skills in other disciplines to great effect (A friend of mine once commented that she liked to watch me teach Sunday School classes, because she could see the transition between "normal Stephen" and "performer Stephen").

So, yeah, I'm excited to still be with these guys after three years, and I'm looking forward to being a part of the time for a good while longer.

Also, our Halloween show is gonna be awesome. You should come.

Trivialities: Fourth of July

Independence Day tend to be one of my least favorite holidays. However, I still managed to get a lot done this past weekend - some of it fun, and some of it... well, read on.

1 - Friday

I've still been hanging on to my old car after a recent dating mishap prompted me to buy a new one. Well, I had the day off on Friday, so I decided to take the car in to get inspected and cleaned up a bit. The mechanics that worked on the car checked all the systems, including the headlights... which they forgot to turn off.

I then drove to the library, went in and browsed for a while, and came out to a drained battery. I went back in to the library to ask for some help, only to find that all librarians are hippies and don't actually HAVE cars to provide jumps with.

Above: Not owned by hippy librarians.

So I wound up walking home from the library to pick up my other car, driving myself back to the library, giving MYSELF a jumpstart, driving back home in my old car, walking BACK to the library, and then driving my other car home.

Friday was a bit of a waste.

2 - Saturday

I spent most of Saturday morning in Bountiful, helping my grandmother paint her garage. In the afternoon, I felt like kicking back and watching a movie, just to relax, so I picked... Batman.

Na na na na na na na na...

Despit my deep and abiding love for all things Batman, I haven't actually seen the old "Biff! Kapow!" Batman show since I was a little kid, so I went in to this movie with some pretty low expectations. And, I have to say, the movie was a LOT more fun than I anticipated. Shark repellant bat spray, self-sacrificing porpoises, and, of course, a bad day to get rid of a bomb... it was all good.

Also, Frank Gorshin's Riddler is beyond awesome.

3 - Monday

The Jesters Royale have a traditional Fourth of July show that's free to the public. Last night's show was pretty darn spectacular - one of the best in recent memory.


We had death tacos, CPR that fogged up a fellow's glasses, beat-boxing British types, a treehouse that somehow transformed into the Tower of Babel.

Oh, and lots and lots of ambush kissing.

Dora the Ex-Plorer

The Jesters Royale play a fun little improv-standard game called "Famous Last Words," where the players try to come up with funny examples of what celebrities and famous fictional characters would say right before they kick the bucket. After last night's game, I've come to the rather unnerving conclusion that it's REALLY EASY to kill off children's show characters.

Case in point: Dora the Explorer.

• Can you say muerte?
• (singing) I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the gat. I'm the GAT!!!
• Backpack: Hey, Dora, do you know why I'm so heavy today? Because I'm full of EXPLOSIVES!
  Dora: Kids, can you say fuego?
• Sniper! No sniping! Sniper, no [gunshot]

And my personal favorite:

• (singing)Rope. Chair. Rafter in the attic. Rope. Chair. Rafter in the attic

There... may be something wrong with me.

Trivialities: Weekend Updates

1 - I didn't sleep well at all last week, and, by Friday, I was absolutely exhausted. Slept only three hours the night before. I actually wound up leaving work about an hour after I got in. I wouldn't have gone in at all if I weren't the one who was supposed to unlock the office. Bleagh.

Anyway, I went home, grabbed a blanket and a pillow, and curled up on the couch with one of my favorite movies on, carefully selected because, even though I love it, I knew it would bore me to sleep right away:


Hey, it's a beautiful movie to watch, but not really to listen to. I slept through the whole darn thing, and it was a lovely, lovely time.

2 - Even after all that sleep deprivation, I couldn't shirk my duties to the improv team. I went out to the Empress Theatre on Friday, where I emceed the show. We had a darn solid performance.

At the end of the night, I had the players perform a game of Double Blind Freeze Tag. Two players perform a short scene. The MC then yells "Freeze," and the actors have to hold their positions. Another player steps in, tags out one of the two players in the scene, and takes his or her pose. Those players then start a new scene based on the poses of the scene that just ended. It's pretty darn fun.

Right out of the gate, two of our performers did this high-energy scene where a football game devolved into a fistfight. Their scene ended with the players on the ground, one nearly straddling the other. The next player to step in (one of the team's female players) hesitated. You could almost see her brain going, trying to think of a way she could step in and start a new scene without violating the theatre's "family friendly" policy. At last, she tagged out the player on top, got down and the ground, and then immediately stood up and said:

"That's how you do pushups."

I laughed so hard I fell out of my seat. Heck, I wasn't even sitting down. I had to SIT down, and THEN I fell out of my seat. The other guy in the scene (once he composed himself) followed up with:

"I learned that completely differently in P.E."

3 - I don't swim. I took swimming lessons when I was younger, but I've pretty much forgotten how to swim since then. I almost never go swimming at all anymore, mainly because no one really needs to see me without a shirt on.

Above: Not Me

So why I went to a church pool party on Saturday is even beyond me.

I spent most of the time sitting in the shade, chatting with some of the other guys who didn't want to get in the water and working on a new sketch (forthcoming). After several hours, I got my stuff together and went to go. Just as I was doing so, I saw a couple of young ladies cannonball into the pool (now nearly empty) and splash a couple of innocent poolside sitters.

That... shoulda been my first warning.

Anyway, just as I was on my way out, one of the girls called me over and said she just wanted to talk. She was late to the party, so she missed all the swimming and socializing and whatnot. Then she said, "You have really nice veins. Let me see," and she reached for my hand, which... REALLY?

Of course, I fell for it, and only just saved myself from getting dragged into the pool. Not that it mattered. The other girl swam up and started splashing at me, and, at that point, there wasn't much else to do but empty my pockets, take off my shoes, and jump in.

The drive home was wet, but what else can you do when two pretty young ladies beckon you to jump in the water? Stuff your ears with cotton?

Sirens... man...

#lameclassicalreference

Heartbreak Makes for Darn Good Entertainment

Not MY heartbreak, mind. Just the whole concept in general.

I've been trying to think recently about my favorite experiences from the time I've been a Jester. Every time I try to narrow down which scene I've loved the best, I come back to the same one - a heartbreaking little moment when a man and a woman who had (supposedly) moved on met up at a club one night.

Heck, I wasn't even IN this scene. Still, it's my all-time favorite - has yet to be topped.

So we see a man and a woman, standing on opposite sides of the stage. They glance around the room casually until they catch sight of each other. Immediately, they turn away, shuddering.

The woman gets up the nerve to move in first. She closes the gap and says, with a great big whitewashed smile, "Hi Brady."*

Brady returns the forced grin. "Hi, Keri."

Small talk is exchanged - the usual niceties that people share when they don't REALLY want to talk right now. Finally, Brady asks, somewhat nervously, "How's the love life?"

Another man walks in. He strides confidently up to the talking couple and puts his arm around Keri. Keri laughs nervously and introduces them. "Darian, this is Brady. You've heard me talk about Brady before, right?"

Darian sizes Brady up. "Nope," he says, then excuses himself to get a drink.

Now the emotions really start to muck up what was otherwise a pretty polite exchange.

"I can't believe you moved on so quickly!" Brady says.

Keri throws her hands up. "What else was I supposed to do? We're broken up. It's over!"

Brady shifts uncomfortably. "Look, it's not that easy..."

"Besides," Keri says, "I thought you had a new girlfriend, too."

"She left me!" Brady snaps.

The audience goes nuts with laughter. Cue curtain.

I have to admit - I'm not 100% sure what made the above scene so FUNNY to watch. I mean, the exchange itself is anything BUT humorous. The only thing I can think of is that we all experienced the unadulterated delight that comes from watching a tense, emotional scene literally grow out of nothing.

People I talk to know that improv is a source of frustration for me. But when it works... MAN, is it rewarding!

* - Names have not been changed to protect the innocent, because who cares?

Human Centipedes and Synchronized Swimming: A Night of Improv

Well, technically, two nights, but still.

I keep saying that I need to just compile a list of my all-favorite improv scenes - the brilliant little gems of pure comedy that keep me so excited about this hobby that dominates my weekends. Best way to handle it will probably just be to document them as they happen.

This past weekend, there were two DOOZIES:

1 - Friday, January 21

The game is Fast Forward/Rewind, wherein the MC gets to stop the scene at any point and either fast forward or rewind. It's one of the more physically demanding games in our repertoire.

Our scene suggestion is Human Centipede - which, apparently, is a movie. I'd post a link to the Wikipedia page, but, after reading what the movie is about, I actually feel a little sick. You can research on your own, but prepare to be disgusted if you do.

STAY AWAY

I start the scene off alone onstage, miming an experiment with various unidentified chemicals in a laboratory. From behind me, Tony (one of our bright young students) comes in.

"Guess what?" he says excitedly.

"Careful," I say, "I'm performing a delicate experiment with transformation enzymes and centipede... monacles."

"No, but listen," Tony says, and he shakes me. Now doused in the chemicals, I start to transform, flicking my fingers out by my sides to indicate legs sprouting from my body as I twist and twitch down to the ground. Tony screams in terror and steps back.

"Pause," yells Blake, the MC. "Fast forward."

I convulse and collapse to the ground. Tony runs away as I scramble towards him. He runs around the stage, then he runs up behind me and shakes me. I bobble wildly back and forth.

"Pause," yells Blake. "Rewind."

We do the whole thing in reverse - the bobbling, the running, the crawling, even the transformation. I make loud sucking noises as the centipede legs retract back into my body.

"Play," yells Blake.

Tony busts into the room. "Guess what?" he says excitedly.

So we do the whole thing again. Blake continues to fast forward and rewind through the transformation (he told me later that he really liked to watch me bobble). Finally, he lets us play through the end of the transformation.

"You tried to kill me!" I yell, then I make to eat Tony (I'm a human centipede monster at this point, remember?).

"Freeze!" Blake yells, and then, "Skip scene."

So I stand there, stomach distended, as if I'd just finished eating Tony. Then, from behind, Tony dives out on stage, as if he'd just somehow broken through my stomach.

Blake storms out on stage, triumphantly yelling, "And that's our game!"

As fun as it was to get shaken around so much (I'm not sure "fun" is the word I want), without a doubt, Tony picking up on the cue that he had been eaten and busting out of my guts was a FANTASTIC moment of improv. Kudos to Tony the Quick-Witted. I was proud to be in the scene with him.

2 - Saturday, January 22

We had a lot of great games this night. I think it'd be a shame not to mention the fantastic round of What Are You Trying To Say? that I played with Andrew (set in a Dance Dance Revolution competition, no less). For me, though, the best moments came in scenes with Brady.

Brady and I have actually been friends pretty much our whole lives. Brady's mother was my teacher in grade school three years in a row. When it comes to working together and reading each other's intentions, Brady and I have a bit of an advantage, I guess, given our history. We showed off a little how in sync we can be during a game of Accents, when we both started yelling at each other in Italian and shaking our fists. Still, though, nothing will top our game of Half Life from this night.

The game requires two or three actors to perform the exact same scene repeatedly, cutting the time taken in half each time. We get our scene suggestion (Synchronized Swimming, something I've never seen work on stage before).

Brady and I step up to do the scene. We dive down onto the stage, rolling and kicking our legs at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME. I think we both had to keep an eye out and make sure we were following the other person precisely, but we actually made it look like we were swimming in unison.

Above: Me and Brady

I don't think I've ever been that in tune with what another improv performer had in mind, and the scene has definitely gone down as one of my all-time favorites.

Of course, I DID tear out the knees in my jeans, so it wasn't a PERFECT game, but still.

Highs and Lows

HIGHS

1 - It's already been two weeks, but I'm still quite thrilled to have successfully completed NaNoWriMo. I mean, I've written a novel. How many people can say that?

(Okay, probably a few, but even so...)

I (finally) started the revision process last night, lying in bed with my laptop, pen and paper, and a Billy Joel CD on the stereo. It was a good night.


2 - It's been a week for renewing old acquaintances. Sunday, I ran into one of my best friends from college - a woman I haven't seen in what feels like forever. Turns out she goes to the same church building I do, just an hour earlier. While I was talking to her, I got a text message from one of my all-time favorite people I met on my mission.

If that's not enough, I actually had the opportunity to chat with one of my best friends from the Czech Republic. He isn't doing so hot (just had something of a breakup). It turns out consoling someone in a language you haven't spoken in five years is pretty tough.

Lucky I remembered how to swear.

3 - I've been a member of The Jesters Royale improv comedy troupe for over two years now, and some of you know I've been getting incredibly frustrated with how things for the team have been going. Well, I recently met with the artistic director of the Empress Theatre where the Jesters call home, and the discussion did a lot to alleviate some of my concerns. There's been talk of the team putting increased focus on teaching in local high schools, which is something I can TOTALLY get behind.

Plus, our shows have been completely awesome recently.

"Back in my day, we didn't have math. Numbers and music got all messed up. Back then, we sang, 'There's only three ways four say two words.'"

4 - I'd be remiss if I didn't mention how cool my ward has been recently. I've been meeting a lot of great new people (in this ward where I've spent the last two years of my life). New friends are always a good thing.

LOWS

1 - Okay, this one's a bit embarassing. A good friend invited me to go to a movie night/pajama party with a bunch of her friends. Now, I don't do big groups anyway - unless I'm the center of attention, they make me uncomfortable. The party was in Murray in a rather nice neighborhood (much nicer than my own, by the way, where the walls are falling apart piece by piece each day). It's the weirdest thing - in addition to the usual unease I feel in large group settings, I was hit with a severe case of status anxiety to the point where I completely shut down.

Luckily, it was a movie night, so I didn't really have to interact with anyone. Still, the whole night was a... disconcerting experience.

I got better.

2 - I'm pretty strapped for cash right now - first time this has happened in a LONG time. I've only got about $100, and with bills to pay, food to buy, and Christmas presents to... present... I'll be cutting it close this month. I DO have some savings, but I'm trying not to touch them. This is the first time I've had actual, genuine savings, after all, and I'd like not to blow it THIS quickly.

3 - You might recall that yesterday I posted a well-reasoned and impartial analysis of the movie Elf. Well, some parties took offense at my obviously superior line of reasoning and have decided to respond in a most aggressive way. Now, I could spend the time pointing out the gaps in this person's logic, or her complete failure to understand how to properly identify a Christ-figure in cinema, but I'm above that kind of thing.

Jesters 4th of July Recap

The Jesters Royale had their big Fourth of July show on Saturday – and that may have been the most enjoyable performance I ever participated in. The audience, although not our largest, was the best and most energetic we’ve had in a LONG time. Plus, I got to play some top-notch improv scenes with the Most Extremely Talented Blake, Brady, Jake, Jourdan, and Shawn.

Highlights from the night include:

1 - A gravedigger communing with the corpse of his grandmother… and a shovel.
2 - A tragic amnesia case (“What’s a chair?”).
3 - Hannibal Lecter getting his comeuppance from a drunken old man.
4 - George Washington chopping down the cherry tree, transformed into Saruman destroying an Ent, transformed into a Night Elf warrior tickling the World Tree to death. Don’t worry, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense if you were there, either, but trust me, it was fun.
5 - Blake’s fantastic transformation into a Na’Vi from Avatar.
6 - A four-man game of Revolver… plus one.
7 - And more fat jokes than you can shake a plus-sized stick at.

Oh, and Jourdan held my hand for, like, a minute, prompting my dad to ask me if I’ve officially come out of the closet. Thanks for that, Jourdan.

I wanna give a special shout-out to some of the other members of the team for their help with the show: Heidi, who rocked the microphone as our Mistress of Ceremonies; Darian, for a killer job at the sound booth; Manelle, for her help with box office; Nate, Keri, and Brady, for their music contributions; and Bryan, who restored our tired old props to their former glory. Y’all are rockstars, pure and simple.

I’ll admit to having a few misgivings about continuing with the improv team recently. As with just about any dramatic discipline, there’s a LOT that goes on backstage that most people watching the shows don’t know about. Sometimes I wonder if the opportunity to perform really is worth all the rest of the baggage.

Nights like Saturday remind me why I do this – and it’s not all for the applause. See, I’m pretty much a grown-up now. I have rent, a job, responsibilities with church and the community, and I wouldn’t ever want to get rid of all that. However, I LIKED being a little kid, and a lot of the things I enjoyed as a little kid still bring me a lot of happiness. I like eating cold cereal in the middle of the day, I like reading superhero comics, and I like walking around barefoot.

Improv almost allows me to BE a little kid again. I don’t mean that I get to act all immature and talk about poop… well, okay, I DO get to do that, but that’s not the point. There’s a lot of freedom that comes from improvisation – a type of imaginative freedom that I don’t feel as often in its purity now that I’m no longer a child. Improv sometimes lets me capture the magical freedom of being a child – and that makes all the drama totally worth it.

So here’s one last shout out to the entire team of Jesters – all the students, the veterans, the ones that have gone away and the ones that are joining us again – Thank You.

Giant Sized Daily Sketches

5.25.10-5.28.10 - Now, the guy behind the desk and the guy with the guitar are supposed to be the same guy... but I don't think that comes across very well.

I didn't actually reference a picture while drawing the drummer. I think that shows.

"The Hollow Men" is one of the few poems by T.S. Eliot that I actually LIKE, and is the most woefully under-used band name ever. Well, I guess there IS a band called The Hollow Men, but I don't know that I care.

I'm coming back to this idea some day. Just so you know.

5.30.10-6.1.10 - So I kinda love the people on the bench. They're not the most realistic-looking couple, but I love the emotions I caught. Dude's real excited about whatever his story is, and the girl's lovin' it.

Oh, and the dude in the foreground has a sweet hat.

6.2.10-6.4.10 - So this scene's based on an improv scene I performed with Manelle and Jake. The whole point of the scene was to create a scenario where a person had to be in an enclosed space for a little while.

Here's the story we came up with: An alien visits a little boy. The boy's SUPPOSED to be packing for a trip, but he gets distracted by the alien. The boy's dad comes in, so the boy hides his new alien friend in his toy chest. The dad gets angry at the boy and slaps him. The alien pops out of the toy chest, turns the dad into a panda, and they all go to Disneyland. The end.

Wish I Said it First #10

#10

"Your eyes are like blueberries, sweet and jucy. Will you marry me? Check yes or no."

- Darian Oliphant, during a Jesters Royale scene about poetry.

Man, I WISH I wrote poetry that good!

Daily Sketches - Greatest Hits

I'm now three months in to my resolution, and I haven't missed a day yet!


3.25.10 - I said once that drawing fat people is fun. I stand by that assertion.

This character is pretty much a copy of my "Greed" character back when I did the Seven Deadly Sin Sketches... only she's wearing a dress.


3.28.10 - This isn't my first attempt at drawing a child, but it is the first I consider a success. She actually looks like a child... although I'm not sure what exactly she's doing. I think she's technically hopping backwards.

Either that, or she's running, and her right leg is REALLY long.


3.31.10 - Reason #486 why The Jesters Royale are awesome:

If you weren't there, you have NO idea what the deal with this is about.


4.2.10 - Drew this guy while running sound for the Jesters one night. So I had zero light and very little focus... and I love what I came up with.

Also, he's got a little fan. How cute.


4.3.10 - I'm still not great at drawing women, but I keep at it. I wanted to draw a rockstar-type chick (something along the line of Pat Benatar). I think I did okay - despite this chick's long arm.


4.4.10 - To prove I'm serious about learning to draw, I decided to imitate some of the finest artists of history and draw something from Greek mythology. So here's Atlas.

On an unrelated note, I'm no good at drawing muscle... yet.

Improv Journal: Homeless Dan

In addition to the daily sketches and writing I’ve been doing more or less consistently since January 1, I need to spend a little more time developing my skills in improvisation. See, I love performing (or being the center of attention – they’re often the same thing), and, right now, my weekly antics with The Jesters Royale comedy improv team are the only times I ever get to take the stage anymore.

I used to think that, outside of our Wednesday workshops, there was very little I could do to “prepare” myself for performances. After all, isn’t “improvisational comedy” by definition unrehearsed? However, one of the teachers at the workshops recently started emphasizing the importance of keeping an “improv journal” – a record of things you notice that can help you with your performances.

Improv relies a lot on memory – what you’ve seen and experienced, as well as everything you’ve ever noticed about other people, has to be available for instant recall when needed. Recording these observations and impressions can, at first, feel a bit like scripting, but, in the end, writing is simply a memory tool.

I’ve started working on my “improv journal” – recording techniques I learn at workshop, making lists of plot twists, and writing up brief bios on some of the “stock characters” I’m developing. Here’s my most recent entry: a bio on a new character I developed last night at performance.

NAME: “Homeless Dan” (featured in the game “Bad Advice” 1.22.10)

COSTUME: orange overalls, leather jacket, rockstar wig (all costume pieces negotiable)

ACCENT: southern redneck

MANNERISMS: drunken stagger
frequently dozes off
does not make eye contact
distrusts technology
is LOUD

HISTORY: Dan has almost always been homeless. He comes from a long line of homeless men and women who took great pride in their homelessness. As a rebellious teenager, Dan got a job folding clothes at a K-Mart. He has since learned that people treat the homeless with more respect. Dan has hitchhiked across the USA and has tried every variety of local vermin and roadkill. He loves Arby’s Sauce. He says he once got a handout from Patrick Swayze, whom he now worships as a saint.

Fresh Start in 2010

New Year’s resolutions are a tricky thing. Last year, on a whim, I made up a list of thirteen resolutions I really had very little intention of keeping. Most of them were gags. Ironically, I think the gag resolutions are the ones I’ve kept the best (I think I said “Buehler” once this whole year).

I’ve been impressed by some of you out there in the vast expanses of Internetland, though, and some of the resolutions YOU’VE been making. In particular, I remember a resolution one person made last year (I’d call her a friend, but she’s really only a friend in the Facebook sense) to make 2009 the best year of her life. From everything I saw of her, it worked. She didn’t only SAY she’d have the best year of her life in January, but she kept working towards it right up to the end of December by simply staying positive.

Now, I’m not saying that’s an EASY task. But it’s definitely an attitude worth adopting.
To that end, I’m going to adopt a strategy of another Facebook friend. I almost never speak to this person, but I stumbled across her New Year’s resolutions (again, posted on the net), and her approach appealed to me. She made two sets of goals: personal accomplishments and personal development. The accomplishments are things she would RELISH crossing off her list, and the other are things she would REFINE about herself. Again, it’s the optimism here that appeals to me, so I think I’m going to follow her example and set similar goals for myself.

RELISH – These goals focus mainly on the things I find the most joy in.

1 – Write for a half hour and complete at least one sketch per day. Now, I know that by setting a goal that requires a daily effort, I create a chore for myself rather than a hobby to enjoy. Normally, I dread work (just ask my boss), but I think that WORK is exactly what I need right now. My biggest regrets from childhood are the missed opportunities from NOT practicing the piano or the viola, because I kind of wish I could play musical instruments. I never made a passive interest a goal I was willing to work for. Well, NO MORE. I’ve even talked to a few people about keeping tabs on each other as we pursue similar goals. I’m hoping a little bit of extra accountability will help make these goals more than wishful-writing (which, by the way, is the same reason why I’m posting them on my blog).

2 – Make at least one submission to a journal or magazine per month. More when I can handle it. The one exception might be the month of January, as I’m going to be busy getting ready for goal #3.

3 – Enter at least 15 poems in the Utah State Poetry Society Annual Contest. Deadline: February 1. Right now, I have about 14 poems I’d consider submitting. Of those 14, only 5 are really good enough that I’d be willing to submit them. I have a busy month ahead of me. And, frankly, I’m looking forward to it.

4 – Read at least 3 books on art technique. I have some fantastic friends who have been willing to help me develop a little fascination with doodles into a full-fledged hobby. I’m still an amateur at this point – and that’s fine. I like learning something new and being BAD at it to start with. It’s fun. But I want to get better. I have ideas about potential projects, ways of combining poetry and art, that I’m not ready to tackle yet. Also, I’m not going to lie – I kinda want to draw comics.

4.5 – At least one of the above books will be on charcoal technique. I got some charcoal from my brother for Christmas – and it’s a gift I very much appreciate. I have every intention of learning how to use said gift.

5 – Read at least 3 books on theatrical improvisation. I haven’t had time to audition for any plays recently, and I don’t see myself auditioning for any in the near future. However, I still take the stage about once per week with The Jesters Royale. And I love it. What started as a way to hang out with friends at Wednesday night workshops has turned into a hobby I have more passion for than I expected. Currently, I help teach those workshops, and I feel like a bit of a fraud since I know very little about acting technique. I plan on correcting that. Besides, I’m not such a good performer that I couldn’t do with a little more attention to the basics.

6 – Attend the temple at least once per month. I don’t spend nearly enough time working on my spiritual side – and I LIKE going to the temple. There’s no reason for me not to do it more.

7 – Attend to my church responsibilities regularly, including monthly attempts at home teaching. My best experiences in different wards have been in the wards where I have the best relationship with the people I home teach. I’ve started to develop decent friendships with those I’ve currently been assigned to visit, and I’d like to continue to cultivate those relationships.

REFINE – These are the goals I set for my own personal development.

1 – No more “That’s what she said” jokes. I’ve been working on this goal for maybe two days, and already this is killing me. It’s been something of a game to me – an exercise of wit. Well, I think I can be witty without resorting to this kind of humor.

And I know enough people that’ll make the jokes for me. I probably won’t really need to vocalize them again.

2 – Be proud of who I am. Because who I am is awesome. I’ve branded myself as a nerd for years, and I stand by that self-appellation. The thing is, the nerd culture – especially on the internet – is self-deprecating. Nerds revel in being outsiders, social deviants. I’ve just decided that I don’t need to think less of myself because of my taste in movies or whatever. I like what I like for the reasons I like them – and those are pretty good reasons.

3 – Listen more. I’ve known for twenty-five years and eight months that I have a lot of good ideas, and I’ll share them with anyone at the slightest invitation. Unfortunately, I’ve missed out on learning that others are just as interesting – and often more so – than I am.

4 – Explore more – especially in the world of literature. An interest in comic books led me to read REAL graphic novels – like Persepolis, which tells the story of the Iranian revolt, or Asterios Polyp, which deconstructs the simplistic ideology of a narcissistic architect. An interest in art has led me to start reading picture books – like Tales from Outer Suburbia, which produces the exact same sensation I get when reading good poetry – a sense of enlightenment and enrichment. There’s a lot of good stuff out there that I don’t know about yet, which means I’m missing out.

5 – Adventure more. I tend to fall into comfortable ruts and stay in them. This is basically a resolution to say “no” a little less, especially when my only reason for not wanting to do something is fear.

6 – Have fun. 2010 is going to be MY “best year ever.” So I’m gonna get out there and start enjoying it. Starting… now.

Wish I Said It First #3

From The Jesters Royale improv workshop this past week:

#3

"Mathematics. Sometimes... I can see it."

Manelle Oliphant, performing as a conceited French poet.

(Maybe you had to be there, but darn it, this was funny!)

Class Conscious Comedy - Courtesy of the Jesters Royale

Have you ever felt poor? I mean, not just “lower-middle class” poor, but dirty fingernail, uneducated, get-hit-in-the-face-by-a-wreath-thrown-by-Ebenezer-Scrooge poor? Well, if you haven’t and you’d like to, I recommend making friends with a doctor and heading over to their pad – which is likely the size of a small hospital itself, only, instead of sick people, it’s full of statues of naked women.

The story begins (and ends) on the evening of December 12, 2009. I, with a few of my comrades from the Jesters Royale comedy improv troupe (http://www.jestersimprov.com/ – enough pimping for you?) had been invited to participate in the Christmas celebration for the Maliheh Free Clinic. The party took place at the doctor’s home in Holladay, UT. Truthfully, though, I could have sworn that we drove through a wardrobe somewhere along the way, because we must have been in Narnia or some other magic kingdom. The house was fully lit up like a palace, the artwork and furnishings were strange and unusual, and I’m pretty sure I heard the house cat speak to me. Couldn’t understand it, though – must have been French.

The guests all mingled in the lobby room – which was larger than my childhood home and held a couch larger than my bed – dressed to the nines in nice sport coats and sparkly dresses. Meanwhile, we, the entertainment, stood off to the side with our filthy hands stuffed into the pockets of our jeans. One of the guests must have noticed our discomfort. She, naturally, assumed we just needed something to do, so she came over and politely asked, “Are you the help?”

We set up in the gym for our performance – and, yes, this house has a gym, complete with a treadmill, basketball hoop, and the mounted heads of water bison, deer, and gnus. Feeling a little uncomfortable, though, I wandered back to the kitchen in search of something to drink. The counter was full of bottles to choose from. Unfortunately, the bottles were each labeled with some hard-to-pronounce name and a year (must’ve been French). I slunk back to the gym, thoroughly intimidated. Thankfully, on my second foray to the drink bar (the others came with me this time, so I had reinforcements), I found a solitary bottle of 7-Up, which I had never been so happy to make mine.

Before the show, I decided it would be wise to use the bathroom. Just like everything else I’d encountered in this house thus far, the bathroom scared the… you know what? I don’t think I can tastefully finish that sentence.

Anyway, as I went in to the bathroom, I noticed a large, clear, circular window, about 3 feet in diameter, sitting at waist level just above the toilet. Just as I saw it, Blake (one of the other Jesters) called out, “Look out the window there and see if you can see that big white dog!”

“Well,” I said, as a member of the catering staff walked past the window, “I don’t see a DOG…”

I went to the sink to wash my hands. For some reason, the knob for the hot water wouldn’t turn. I figured they must have set up a faucet with those pull knobs, so I grabbed the knob and pulled it up. I knew I was mistaken when the knob came off in my hands.

Finally, the time came for us to perform. We included in our lineup a game called World’s Worst, in which the audience shouts out an occupation, and the players in the game act out what the world’s worst example of that occupation would be. When asked for an occupation that only required a high-school diploma, the audience was quick to respond with “improv performer.”

“Hey!” I said, a little heatedly, “I’ll have you know that I have a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing!”

They seemed to find this even funnier.

Okay, so I kid a little bit. The performance wasn’t bad, the audience seemed to enjoy it, and the doctor who hosted the party extended every courtesy to us. He even joined us for a game of Sound Effects and made fantastic motorcycle noises (while he was trying to imitate an earthquake).

Still, though, I never thought I’d be so relieved to head back to our usual venue on Magna main, across from all the bars.