500th Post! Braddy's Favorite Episodes of Batman: TAS

Here we are – 500 posts later, and S.R. Braddy is still blogging. Go me!

To celebrate, I wanted to stretch myself a bit. I decided I wanted to do a bit of research but still have fun. Also, I knew my anniversary post simply HAD to a bit self-indulgent. And, when I think “research,” “fun,” and “self-indulgent,” I think of the fan-fiction I wrote about the sexy adventures of Carmen Sandiego.

Well, since I’d rather not scandalize my mother, I’ll just do a rundown of my favorite episodes of Batman: the Animated Series.

Rather than doing a straight Top Ten list, I thought I’d take a different approach. Here, I’m running down the top episodes for each of the main villains, a pretty exhausting chore. See, Batman has one of the all-time greatest rogue galleries, and as a result there are a LOT of great villain episodes. I recommend taking a bathroom break now, since we’ve got a lot to get through.


Best Man-Bat Episode: “On Leather Wings”

Hah! Like anyone really cares about Man-Bat. Still, the first episode of the series is one of the best of the show ever saw. This episode features probably the best display of the series’s trademark dark animated style. Also, I think it’s the only episode where Batman actually gets bloodied up.


Best Mr. Freeze Episode: “Heart of Ice”

Batman: TAS famously added a tragic backstory to Mr. Freeze’s otherwise one-note character. That story is deftly and beautifully portrayed in this standout episode from the series. Mr. Freeze’s character is never quite as interesting as he is in this episode. Still, this story rocks.


Best Clayface Episode: “Growing Pains”

Clayface is one of the few Batman supervillains who actually possess super powers. Usually, super villains don’t have a lot of depth to them; they’re mainly showcased for their ability to go a couple of rounds with the hero before biting the mat. In “Growing Pains,” however, we see Clayface as the catalyst for a real tragic story. You don’t usually come to Batman for heartache, but here you get it, and it’s pretty delicious.


Best Killer Croc Episode: “Sideshow”

You know, I’m a big fan of some of the more underrated Batman villains. Killer Croc is… not one of them. He’s got no depth – he’s just a thug (with some possible cannibalistic tendencies). Still, “Sideshow” tells the only compelling story you can tell with such a one-note character, where the crook finally gets a shot at redemption. SPOILER WARNING – he blows it.


Best Poison Ivy Episode: “House and Garden”

Another character I don’t care for much is given the star-class treatment in “House and Garden.” Poison Ivy just wants to lead a normal life. Of course, the words “Poison Ivy” and “wife and mother” don’t really go together all that well. This episode’s probably got one of the creepiest twists of any in the series.


Best Harley Quinn Episode: “Mad Love”

It’d be hard to deny (from a character history standpoint) that Harley Quinn is the most enduring legacy of Batman: TAS. She was originally created to be just another Joker henchperson, but, since the show ended, Harley’s become a major character in the comic world as well, often appearing on her own without the Joker. Personally, I feel that, if you remove the Joker from Harley’s story, you take out a key part of what makes Harley so fascinating. Watch this episode, and I think you’ll get that.

Actually, just about EVERY Harley episode is worth watching. She’s the breakout character of the series for a reason.


Best Two Face Episode: “Two Face”

Anyone who talks about Batman: TAS will tell you that the series did a bang-up job introducing the character Two Face. District Attorney Harvey Dent appears in several episodes before his tragic fall – heck, he’s even the victim once. The two-part “Two Face” arc is pretty intense stuff for a children’s show – which is probably why it’s so well-loved.


Best Penguin Episode: “Birds of a Feather”

I like the “idea” of the Penguin more often than the execution… usually. This story hits all the right spots and tells what I consider to be the perfect Penguin story. Penguin’s aristocracy is little more than a delusion, and, when that delusion is called into question, he turns violently vengeful.


Best Scarface Episode: “Read My Lips”

Another underrated villain, the puppet Scarface is played exactly right in the cartoon. His first appearance demonstrates exactly what makes him such a great character – he’s calculating and brilliant, despite his odd appearance. Also, the conclusion, where the Ventriloquist stabs a scar into a new puppet’s face, is disturbing in the best way possible.


Best Mad Hatter Episode: “Perchance to Dream”

Technically, I just gave away the twist ending to a twenty-year-old cartoon. Sorry. But there’s no doubt about it – “Perchance to Dream” is the greatest Mad Hatter story, possibly ever. The villain will stop at nothing to get Batman out of his hair – even if it means giving his archenemy everything he ever wanted.


Best Ra’s al Ghul Episode: “Showdown”

Batman’s barely even IN this episode! Instead, we get a flashback to a scene from Ra’s al Ghul’s past, where he goes toe-to-toe with a great underrated DC character, Jonah Hex (who’s a lot better than the movie made him out to be, by the way). This episode shows us not only Ra’s al Ghul’s eternal villainy, but his family side as well.


Best Scarecrow Episode: “Nothing to Fear”

Scarecrow’s probably one of the greatest Batman villains ever, but he rarely makes as big an impact as he should in the animated series. “Nothing to Fear” takes the top spot, if only because it gives us one of Batman’s most defining moments – “I am vengeance! I am the night! I am BATMAN!”

Seriously, yell that to yourself in the mirror before you go jogging, and those hills won’t give you NO guff.


Best Riddler Episode: “Riddler’s Reform”

Like Scarecrow, the Riddler is a potentially great character who didn’t really ever shine in Batman: TAS (although he LOOKS better than he ever did anywhere else). “Riddler’s Reform” is his only real highlight episode, where his obsession with conquering Batman ultimately destroys the happy life he is building for himself.


Best Catwoman Episode: “You Scratch My Back”

I’m not sure: do people actually LIKE Catwoman? I mean, someone has to – her costume’s always a hit at parties, and they’ve made a movie about… actually, let’s not bring the movie up. I think Catwoman gets more misses than hits, but “You Scratch My Back” shows the potential of the character, as she uses her charm to split up Team Batman for her own benefit.


Best Joker Episode: “Joker’s Favor”

If anyone ever needs an explanation of why the Joker is one of the best cartoon villains of all time, they should watch this episode. The Joker extorts a favor from an ordinary Joe and then keeps tabs on him for YEARS before cashing in. “Joker’s Favor” highlights the madman’s propensity for complex planning as well as his reliance on (seeming) chaos. This episode’s a personal favorite.

OKAY, I FELT LIKE INCLUDING A FEW MORE HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE SERIES:


Best Original Villain (Who Isn’t Harley Quinn): Kyodai Ken

Batman: TAS introduced a lot of new villains. The one I liked the most (aside from Harley) is a ninja whose vendetta is against Bruce Wayne himself, not Batman. Kyodai Ken knows who Batman is, and that knowledge proves to be his most effective weapon, as Bruce Wayne has to hold back during their fight to avoid exposing his secret.


Best Music: “A Bullet for Bullock”

As far as I’m concerned, Batman: the Animated Series has the best soundtrack of any children’s show, ever (suck it, Thundercats theme). Every villain has his or her own theme that subtly intensifies the action of a given scene. None of those themes are featured in “A Bullet for Bullock,” but the cool jazz definitely sets this episode apart from the others. I watch it just to listen, and I love it.


Best Alfred Episode: “The Lion and the Unicorn”

Alfred’s one of my favorite characters. No, really – I LOVE this guy. He’s a former secret service agent for British intelligence, and how does he spend his retirement? He’s Batman’s butler. Between this episode, which gives us just a glimpse of Alfred’s past, and the Poison Ivy episode where we meet Alfred’s girlfriend, I realized I’d probably read a whole BOOK about Alfred, the Bat Butler.


Best Batman Episode: “The Cape and Cowl Conspiracy”

This is probably the strangest choice on my list, but, if you ask me to show you what episode best shows Batman being Batman, it’s this one. Batman lays a truly elaborate plan to capture a criminal, one which requires Batman to put himself at great personal risk. He does it all, because he’s Batman, and there’s no way one silly little thug is going to get the best of HIM. There are definitely better episodes out there, but no other shows the cunning brainwork that goes in to being Gotham’s protector like “The Cape and Cowl Conspiracy.”

And now, just for fun: My five favorite episodes, presented without commentary.

• 5 – “Trial”
• 4 – “Baby Doll”
• 3 – “Joker’s Favor”
• 2 – “Almost Got ‘Im”
• 1 – “Beware the Gray Ghost”

You're Never Too Old For Space Camp

There are very few things that I - a well-documented geek with an abiding love for fancy books, complex board games, and Batman - hesitate to admit to the general public anymore. I like to think that I'm over the perceived "nerd stigma," especially considering public perception that it's "cool" to be a nerd. However, there are still a COUPLE of subjects in the Nerdcyclopedia that I'm hesitant to look into for fear of the ink rubbing off on my fingers and branding me forever a social pariah. For example, I long ago decided that LARPing is an activity too silly for me to EVER indulge in. Same with Star Trek, with its embarassing spandex, dry dialogue, and William Shatner saturation.

Put the two together, though, and you'll know how I spent my Saturday. Double dose of nerd shame.

I took a trip with some friends this weekend to The Christa McAuliffe Space Education Center, based in Pleasant Grove, where we acted out a Trek-themed scenario aboard a mock space station. I have a friend who really likes Star Trek and often organizes these little outings. He needed 10 people for this group and asked me if I'd go with.

Our "mission" was to facilitate the transportation of supplies to a mining colony at the edge of Federation space under siege by Orion space pirates. I filled the role of weapons technician - it was my job to fire the phasers, photon torpedoes, and our top-secret weapon: a planet-destroying laster jokingly named THX 1138 (a joke I, sadly, did not need Wikipedia to recognize). Of course, since all my weaponry was located on the outside of the space station, I was pretty much useless when the Orion pirates boarded our ship and took us all hostage. Luckily, we had a cache of weapons hidden from the invaders and were eventually able to fight them off.

Just as we retook the bridge, though, an Orion fleet flew in and opened fire on the ship. Thus, it fell to Starfleet's handsomest weapons technician to fight them off. A healthy barrage of photon torpedoes later, and we won the day and delivereed the supplies safely.

So, yeah, I enjoyed the outing a lot more than I expected to, which unfortunately leads to more shame. See, if you clicked the link to the Christa McAuliffe Center above, you may notice that all the pictures of the participants feature twelve-year-old children in Star Trek vests. The Orion Pirates that boarded our station were played by elementary school boys with red headbands and plastic light-up guns.

I guess that makes me the equivalent of the 300-pound McDonald's employee who boasts about schooling the local Cub Scout troop in basketball.

Self-Understanding: The Rheti Sampler

I, like many others, desire to understand myself better. However, I feel that the time spent in meditation, introspection, and perhaps counseling could better be used unlocking PS3 trophies. Thank goodness for easy-to-complete online personality tests like the RHETI Sampler.

The Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator identifies nine distinct personality types and organizes them in a neat pentagrammy-looking thingy. There's a lengthy questionnaire you can take, but I, not having $10 and 40 minutes to spare, took the free sample to see what it's about.

(If this looks familiar to some of you, you may recall that Larissa tried this about a month ago.)

So here are my results:


Pretty much all over the map, except for personality type number 2. Guess that means, if you need something from me, you know where to go.

The highest scores were in type 3 and type 5:

3 - The Achiever

Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement. They are diplomatic and poised, but can also be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with workaholism and competitiveness. At their Best: self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be—role models who inspire others.

Basic Fear: Of being worthless
Basic Desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile

5 - The Investigator

Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

Basic Fear: Being useless, helpless, or incapable
Basic Desire: To be capable and competent

According to the website, I'm in pretty good company: I share personality traits with Billy Dee Williams, Tim Burton, and the X-Files's Fox Mulder.

Maybe you do, too.

This Isn't a Game!

One of my coworkers went to see Cowboys and Aliens. I asked him to tell me how it was, and he responded, "Well... it can't be GOOD." So I went and checked it out for myself on Friday with my buddy Dashbo. And it was... appropriately terrible. Still a fun movie, though.

But, oh, I had no idea just how surreal the experience would be. And the worst part happened about ten minutes before the movie actually started, when we were subjected to this.

That's a trailer for Battleship, a movie that, somehow, is not a practical joke. The trailer opens up depicting sexy times between Brooklyn Decker and Alexander Skarsgård, who plays a character named "Stone Hopper." Also starring in the movie are Liam Neeson and pop singer Rihanna.

And, again, this is a real @$$ thing.

Normally, this type of announcement would have me completely irate, condemning Hollywood for its complete lack of originality and unwillingness to take a chance on ANYTHING that hasn't already been part of the cultural consciousness for twenty years already... except I think this is kind of a cool idea. In fact, I think MORE movies should be made based on games with plots thinner than the cardboard they're printed on. In fact, I've got a couple of suggestions:

• Leonardo DiCaprio plays Arthur Creed, a young man who moves to Atlantic City with a small fortune left him in his father's will. He is determined to use the money to renew the Creed family's failing real-estate empire. Unfortunately, he finds his efforts blocked at every turn by the mysterious Shadow Bankers Association and their enigmatic chairman known only as "Mr. Pennybags." Oliver Stone directs Monopoly
• Master of suspense M. Night Shyamalan brings you a tale of madness and imagination. A troubled author, tormented by thoughts that are not his own, begins to see words never before heard by mortal ears. Are these words truly keys to power as he believes, or are they just the gibberings of a madman? Timothy Olyphant stars in Scrabble
• An alien craft crash lands in the Nevada desert. There are no survivors... at first. The United States is under attack by an aggressive insectoid race capable of regenerating themselves from a single severed leg. Jensen Ackles stars in Cooties. Directed by Michael Bay.
• Desperate for work so she can earn money to feed the six starving orphans under her care, Elizabeth Doherty (played by Academy Award winner Hilary Swank) finds work on a large Washington farm. She thinks she may have finally found the means to make ends meet, until her boss (Carey Elwes) starts to make unwelcome advances on her. Even when her job is threatened, Elizabeth must keep an outwardly cheery appearance to keep her children from despairing. Steven Spielberg directs Hi-Ho! Cherry-o.
• Better watch those labels! A crate meant for the San Diego Zoo somehow winds up in the office of Principal Mike Jones (played by Jack Black) who runs a neat and tidy elementary school. He opens the box, and out jump dozens of monkeys - and they mean business. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll learn a lesson or two about life and love in Barrel of Monkeys
• It's the year 2076, and the world's first AI president has gone haywire. If he can't be repaired quickly, humans across the planet will riot and tear down their robotic neighbors, plunging humanity back into the stone age. Can the computer hacking whiz known only as Joseph (Jesse Eisenberg) stop armageddon in time? Hugo Weaving voices Simon
• Candyland is a sweet place - a children's dream come true... on the surface. But as Erin and Tammy Drake (played by Chloë Moretz and Hailee Steinfeld) soon find, the land is thick with more than just a caramel cream center. They enlist the help of Mr. Mint (Cilian Murphy) and Princess Lolly (Ellen Page) to unravel the complex history of Candyland. They must depose the wicked Queen Frostine (Marion Cotillard) and reinstate good King Kandy (Michael Caine) before Candyland is destroyed... forever. Christopher Nolan directs Candyland, a darker chocolate than most.

I could do this all day. Seriously.

If the World Were a Musical...

Last night I gave a friend of mine a quick recap on a show I saw last week. Afterwards, we started imagining how the world would be different if it operated by the same rules of musical theater – people breaking out into song and dance, etc. We compiled a small list of possibilities – one which has grown considerably since.

IF THE WORLD WERE A MUSICAL…

• Babies would learn to crawl, then walk, and then soft shoe.
• Two young men ballet dancing in the street would be cause to call the police.
• Sixteen-year-old girls would all look twenty-five.
• The physically uncoordinated would be sent to “special class” in school.
• Roger Ebert would call High School Musical a “startlingly realistic depiction of adolescent heartache.”
• Piano skills could be listed on a resume as a second language.
• No wars would ever be fought; however, large crowds of soldiers would inexplicably flock to bars.
• Tone deaf people would have NO friends.
• The tax system would collapse, as all accountants would quit their jobs to pursue more artistic careers.
• Ugly people would ALWAYS be evil. Period.
• Generational disputes would be accompanied by country guitar, keyboard synthesizers, and a turntable.
• The Salvation Army bellmen would release an album… and it would go platinum.
• All women you ask out on dates will say “no” first, until you have a duet with them. Then they’ll shoot you.
• Matthew Broderick would be voted “World’s Sexiest Man” for YEARS until Neil Patrick Harris rose to fame.
• People would only kiss after hitting the highest note in their register.
• Basses will never get kissed.
• Nobody would sit outside on the balcony to be alone but to sing ensemble pieces with the neighbors.
• Every city in the world would have its own theme song, which immigrants would be required to sing upon entering the borders or be deported.
• All Americans would speak with New York accents.
• Talking to one’s-self wouldn’t be considered strange – it’d be expected.
• People could walk down the street in their underwear and attract no attention.
• The government would quarantine an entire city if one case of a cold is reported.
• The center of the filmmaking world would be in India, not California.
• Pirate would still be a viable career option.
• All politicians would be tenors.
• All landlords would be basses.
• The Gettysburg Address would begin, “Four score and seven bars ago…”
• No one would actually NEED to wear glasses, but everyone would wear them until they became sexually available.
• Andrew Lloyd Weber would be a famous biographer… and he’d still suck.

Blind Date

Here's a quick refresher from S.R. Braddy's rules of dating:

Rule #237: If someone ever tries to set you up on a date, RUN. Run SO far away. Unlike the song, you WILL get away.

It's a pretty simple rule - one I thought was understood by all my friends and acquaintences.

So imagine my surprise when one of my friends *coughBlakecough* left me the following voice mail:

"Hey, Stephen, so I've got a girl that I would like to set you up with. Her name is Melody Green. She's really nice, she's pretty. She's actually a relative of my wife's - third cousin, something like that. She's from Wyoming and she's in Utah right now.

"There's only one problem - she's... imaginary. Oh, and she's a gold-digger. Hope that's okay."

Nearly gave me a heart attack. Well played, Blake.

Words are Yummy

Really. They are. You put them in your mouth, and, with the best of words, you can tell what they mean from how they taste.

delicious

for example, is a darn sexy word. If you don't believe me, you're probably not saying it right. Hold out the first syllable for a while, and then shake your head a bit as you move into the "L" sound. Said correctly, "delicious" has a very distinctive taste, and it's... well, you know.

Or how about

nubile

I don't think I ever knew EXACTLY what "nubile" meant. All I know is that, if I ever used it... questionably, let's say, I immediately felt unclean, almost as if I'd eaten one doughnut too many.

Compare that to

bureaucracy

Here's a word that almost NEVER tastes good. Probably because it's full of so many stupid letters (I can't ever spell "bureaucracy" without looking it up). The ONLY time I enjoy saying this word is when I'm angry - then I can bite off those last syllables with a bit of gusto.

Goes to show that some words need a bit of seasoning.

Finally, we have

masticate

a word that's not NEARLY as funny as it thinks it is.

Breaking News: I'M WHITE!!!

At my job, there are two different kinds of days: days when you hate the phone ringing because it interrupts your work, and days when you love the phone ringing because "FINALLY THERE'S SOMETHING TO DO!!!"

Guess what kind of day Friday was?

During one of the lengthy downtimes, I wandered around the internet and stumbled across a website I hadn't visited in a long time: Stuff White People Like. Occasionally (although it's been a while now), they post a little blog outlining one of the peculiar interests of a certain breed of white person. Turns out, by their definition, I'm pretty white.

I know. I was surprised, too.

• Like most white people, I like a little diversity in my diet. I eat mostly frozen pizza and cold cereal, but when I want to impress a date, I usually spring for a swanky Thai or Indian place.
• I'm not really a big outdoorsman... but I frequently feel bad about it.
• I haven't seen much of Wes Anderson's work, but The Fantastic Mr. Fox is one of his, right?
• My favorite television shows include BOTH The Colbert Report and Arrested Development.
• Am I working on a novel? Yes I am! Will I finish it one day? Probably. Heck, I got a BA in Creative Writing.
• Do I love sweaters? Yes, I do.
• While I DO, in fact, own a TV, I am immensely proud of the fact that I don't have cable hookup.
• To some extent, I listen to hip-hop. Word.
• You know who's cute? Zooey Deschanel.
• Grammar? Heck, good grammar's a sexy must!
• I absolutely refuse to shop at Wal-Mart.
• I have had probably the easiest breakups of anyone I know, but would you know it from talking to me about it?

So, yeah, I think I have to say that I'm pretty white. Sorry about that.

Flirty Chicken

Which one will blink first?

Hey there, are you single? Do you enjoy the thrill of the chase, but you just can't bring yourself to cross the finish line? Or maybe you need to brush up on your "come hither skills"? Here's a game for you.

"Flirty Chicken" is played with two people. One player initiates a flirt - subtly, casually - and the second person escalates. The two players continue to flirt back and forth, gradually increasing the intensity of their flirtations - maybe you'll take hold of her hand, or lean in to whisper in his ear.

First one to blush loses.

If you both wind up making out, you both lose "Flirty Chicken," but you win something else...

Oh, and in case you were curious:

S.R. Braddy Drinking Game

Man, it seems like my life's pretty much on repeat right now. I keep hearing and saying the same things over and over and OVER - "Work sucks," "Man, I really need to write more," and "No, I HAVEN'T been dating anyone, Dad!"

So when things get so repetitive, I figure one can do something bold and dramatic to break up the monotony - go on an adventure, take on a new hobby, etc.

Or, you know, you can devise a drinking game based on your life.

Now, I don't actually drink, and I never plan to start, but someone out there right now may need an excuse to get drunk, so HERE WE GO:

The S.R. Braddy Drinking Game:

• Take a SIP if Braddy says "Batman."


• Take a SIP if you see Braddy wearing an unironed shirt.


• Take a SIP if Braddy says he "hates" anything (Most days, this'll get you drunk before breakfast).


• Take a SIP if Braddy says something is his "favorite."


• Take a SWIG if you see Braddy walking down the street reading.


• Take a SWIG if Braddy writes a blog.


• Take a SIP if someone tells Braddy that he needs to date more.


• Take a SWIG if Braddy quotes a song lyric out of context.


• Take a SWIG if you see Braddy dancing in the aisles of the grocery store.


• Take a SIP if Braddy buys ice cream while there.


• FINISH YOUR BEER if Braddy DOES go on a date.

Now let's turn this into a meme - I'd like to see other people develop their OWN drinking games. If you do, post a link.

From Beneath the Shadows of the Everlasting Hills...

...there comes a new album from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.


Here's an exclusive preview of the track list:

1. Ozzy Osbourne, "Crazy Train"
2. Metallica, "One"
3. Nine Inch Nails, "The Hand that Feeds"
4. Motorhead, "Ace of Spades"
5. AC/DC, "Thunderstruck"
6. System of a Down, "Toxicity"
7. Judas Priest, "Breaking the Law"
8. Led Zeppelin, "Immigrant Song"
9. Avenged Sevenfold, "Bat Country"
10. Pantera, "Walk"
11. Drowning Pool, "Bodies"
12. Rush, "Tom Sawyer"
13. Iron Maiden, "Number of the Beast"
14. Dio, "Rainbow in the Dark"

Am I the only one that would buy this?

Inconsistent Behavior

Love and Anger: A Melodrama in Five Acts

Our stage is set - a crowded room full of young men and women in their finest - tuxedos and little black dresses. Dim orange light radiates from hanging paper lanterns.

[Cue Music.]

The crowd starts to dance wildly, arms waving, feet pounding. The only thing louder than the song is the laughter.

A young man enters from downstage. He wears a three-piece brown suit - a nice look, but completely out of place. This is our protagonist.

[Cue Applause]

The song ends. The crowd parts. From across the room, our hero sees a beautiful young woman in an elegant red dress - she also looks out of place. Their eyes meet, and she smiles.

[Cue Awws]


Flashback.

The setting is the same, but the lights are brighter. The same young people that were dressed so nicely at the dance are now dressed in casual attire.

Enter our hero, holding hands with the girl.

[Cue Applause]

The two talk for a while. We can't hear what they are saying, but they are smiling and laughing. She reaches over and touches his arm.

The lights slowly dim, but our hero and the girl remain in spots. As the light tightens around them, the two embrace and kiss.

[Cue Awws]


We return to the dance. Our hero returns the girl's smile, but it is strained.

[Cue Music]

The girl reaches out her hand. Our hero, unsure at first, walks through the crowd and takes it.

The two dance. He spins her under his arm and steps around her. For only a second, a small distance separates them. He then reaches out and catches her hand and pulls her back in.

The crowd around them has stopped dancing. A circle forms around them as they dance.

She turns around and steps back into him, his arms wrapped around her. They separate again, clinging to each other just by their fingertips.

Our hero pulls the girl in to a dip, and the song ends. We see the two rise and separate.

Neither is smiling.


The dancers applaud.

Embarrassed, our hero steps to the front. The girl follows. The two stand facing each other at the front of the stage. Again, we can't hear what is being said.

Our hero reaches out his arms as he talks.

The girl shakes her head.

Our hero turns his back to the girl.

The girl walks up behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder.

Our hero walks away, and the girl stands alone at the front of the stage.

[Cue Ohhs]

She watches our hero leave, then turns and rejoins the dancers.


We find our hero sleeping fitfully. He wakes up. Realizing that everything that happened was just a dream, he dresses quickly and heads to work.

We see him now on his lunch break, writing an update on his blog about how much dreams suck and stuff like that.

How to Date an English Major

People often ask me (the successful romantic bookworm that I am) how to properly romance the English major. Indeed, dating an English major is a difficult proposition, as English majors are peculiar, temperamental creatures. Luckily, they are also creatures of a particular taste, and that taste is easily catered to. Follow these simple guidelines, and you will soon attract an English major to call your own.

1 – Get a Favorite Author

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that English majors read a lot. English majors learned to read voraciously growing up. Experiencing the lives of fictional characters somehow helped them cope with the fact that their fathers never hugged them because they weren’t athletes or cheerleaders. If you want to connect with your English major, you will need to learn to talk books with them.

When selecting your favorite author, proceed with caution. Genre writers are not appropriate choices for favorite authors. The best authors do not write fantasy, horror, science fiction, romance, or mystery. Rather, they write about lonely old men who play dominoes while staring out the window at their attractive young neighbors, then die.

You should never pick an author whose works have been adapted to major Hollywood films. People like J.K. Rowling, Michael Crichton, Dan Brown, and Stephen King may create works of fiction that are easily accessible to a broad audience, but this democratization of literature detracts from the appeal of living in an ivory tower of superiority that so many English majors delight in.

If you choose a favorite author from those you studied in high school, never select the dead white males. When your English major date hears you say your favorite author is Ernest Hemingway, they will assume you read the Cliff’s Notes to The Old Man and the Sea once. You’ll be branded immediately as a faker. You’re better off picking a dead white woman, like Willa Cather, or a dead black man, like Langston Hughes. If your favorite author is a dead woman of a non-white minority, prepare yourself for a downpour of English major kisses, for they will fall in love with you automatically.

2 – Develop a Tolerance for Stupid Ideas

There are two types of English majors: those who say they want to write the great American novel, and those who lie. Every English major has an idea for the best story that anyone has ever read, and, given the opportunity, they will ramble on for hours and hours about the intricacies of the plot that they have all mapped out in their heads. Now only if they could find the time to write…

If you ever inadvertently ask an English major to describe his or her novel, don’t panic. Be prepared to listen, smile politely, and ask questions to show that you’re interested. Basically, do everything you can to keep the English major focused on the brilliance of their plot, while you covertly text a friend to call you with the terrible news that your cat has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Whatever you do, be sure to bow out gracefully, and never point out that their idea is another tired rehashing of The Lord of the Rings. English majors hate that.

3 – Sit Back and Enjoy the Riffing

English majors are notorious for talking during movies. If you’re lucky, you’ll find an individual who will simply content themselves with making the occasional snide remark. These comments are usually short, don’t lead to lengthy discussions, and they can actually be funny from time to time.

Unfortunately, there are those English majors who think their seven-page analysis of Kate Chopin’s The Awakening (complete with annotated bibliography) qualifies them to scrutinize every scene in every film with a keen metaphorical scalpel. Often, these individuals can’t keep their findings to themselves and will share – loudly – with everyone in the room. Plot holes you were once ignorant of will trip you up, Christ figures will populate plots like rabbits, and you will never be able to watch O Brother, Where Art Thou? without thinking of "The Odyssey."

If you’re one of those people who enjoy watching movies in silence, you can still date an English major. You just may have to actually talk to him or her (see #2).

4 – Be Prepared to Learn Your Grammar

Contrary to popular belief, English majors don’t talk solely about grammar when they congregate. However, they DO talk about grammar a lot. Specifically, they talk about how much they dislike people that use poor grammar. If you write your English major crush a note that opens with the line, “I think your pretty,” you can kiss that love match good-by. Therefore, it’s imperative that you learn:

• the difference between “there,” “they’re,” and “their.”
• the proper placement of terminal punctuation in relationship to quotation marks.
• the difference between an adjective and adverb.
• how to end a run-on sentence.
• not to split infinitives
• how to avoid mixed metaphors

You may be tempted to break grammatical rules ironically. Don’t. It doesn’t matter how provocatively you dangle your participles. It’s a huge turn-off.

5 – Don’t Mix Opinions

Like most people, English majors have strong and occasionally irrational opinions. While dating your English major, you are more than welcome to have opinions that differ from theirs. Your opinions aren’t wrong, they’re just… otherly right to the English major’s. Your opinions and theirs will occupy separate spheres. All will be well if the two never meet.

You may from time to time find yourself in disagreement with an English major. If you choose to bring your differing opinion up, remember what happens when matter and anti-matter come in contact. After you’ve spoken, don’t be surprised if your English major explodes.

In the end, it may be wisest to keep your opinions to yourself. True, you may have to seethe for a while inwardly, but in the long run you can be secure in your self-restraint.

Just follow these simple steps, and you’ll have an English major of your very own for the rest of your life. Keep the love alive by serving them a candle-lit dinner on your anniversary and reading the most provocative passages from Strunk and White’s Elements of Style, and every now and again, letting them proofread your emails before you send them.

Best of luck in your five-page double-spaced and properly-formatted relationship!

In the Darkest Corner of the Hundred Acre Wood

So… Tim Burton’s got an Alice in Wonderland movie in theaters now. I’ve been pretty worried about how the film was going to turn out, mostly because Alice in Wonderland is probably my second-favorite children’s book of all time (the top favorite being Through the Looking Glass). Now, I haven’t actually SEEN the movie yet, but that’s never stopped me from having an opinion about something before, so… here we go.

Alice in Wonderland ORIGINALLY was about a little girl having strange adventures in a land where the conventional sense of logic is completely turned on its head. Her journey is more a celebration of childhood fantasy than anything else. One thing it certainly ISN’T, though, is an action-filled, hair-raising epic quest in the same vein as Lord of the Rings.

I’m not sure how Burton and Company handle all the action and combat. For all I know, they do it quite well. It bothers me, though, that a property as ubiquitous as Alice in [Freaking] Wonderland seems to require a total tone shift to get a foothold in today’s movie market. Now, I think there’s room for this type of adaptation, but when you take a story and add intense violence to create a more action-centered experience, you run the risk of destroying what people loved in the first place.

Imagine if next summer’s big action-packed blockbuster had THIS trailer:

The sun rises over the forest line. It’s an ominous red, indicating that a fierce, bloody day has come to the Hundred Acre-Wood.

Zoom in on Winnie the Pooh, who is walking along a forest path. The camera circles around him as wild chirping noises rise from the trees along the path.

Suddenly, a Woozle jumps out from the bushes – mangy, raving, with long sharp teeth and jagged claws. Pooh freezes in fear and mutters, “Oh, bother,” before he is savagely beaten down.

Cut to Piglet, running frantically into Rabbit’s sitting room. “Pooh’s been k-k-kidnapped by Woozles! Oh, d-d-d-dear!”

Cut to a ceremonial site atop a hill. Pooh is tied up to a tree, bits of stuffing hanging out from his tummy. A large Woozle chief stands over him in a warpaint and an ornamental headdress. “We will have our revenge against the forest creatures,” he snarls, “when we awaken… the Heffalump!”

We hear the Heffalump’s cry – sort of a mix between an elephant’s trumpet and the wail of a hundred crying children, as the monster breaks down the forest wall and enters the clearing. It’s huge, like the elephants from the Lord of the Rings movies, only bigger and with more horns and tusks.

Cut to Owl, silhouetted against a full moon talking to a young boy. “I’m too old now!” the boy protests. “I can’t go back.

Close up on Owl’s face. “It’s a perilous time for the entirety of gentle animal folk, and we need you more than ever… Christopher Robin.”

Christopher Robin raises his head (and we see now he’s played by Michael Cera). “Silly old bear,” he says as he shakes his head.

We hear Pooh’s voice: “First they attack my friends.”

Cut to the battle. Enraged Woozles swarm around Kanga and Tigger, each armed with a pair of swords. They suddenly spring into action, bouncing high over the heads of their enemies and raining down bladed death upon them.

Pooh’s voice over continues. “Then they destroyed my home.”

Cut to the Heffalump, now attacking Owl’s great tree. Splinters of wood fly in all directions as the proud forest tower is brought down to the ground.

“But now,” says Pooh, “they’ve threatened my honey stash.”

Now we see Christopher Robin, backed into a corner, his sword held shakily in front of him. Pooh and Piglet cower behind him as the shadows of enraged Woozles start to creep in.

And now we cut to Tigger, flecks of stuffing poking out from slashes across his face. He stares down a large Woozle and roars like the mighty tiger.

Pooh stares at the camera, mud smeared across his face. “This rumbly in my tumbly is now a cry for vengeance!”

The title of the movie flashes now across the screen: Winnie the Pooh and the Battle for the Hundred-Acre Wood.”

Cut to Christopher Robin holding a cowardly Piglet. “We need everyone to be brave now, Piglet,” he says, “even you Very Small Animals.”

Coming to Theaters May 2011.

100 Posts of Random Hate

In celebration of my 100th post on Blogger, I've compiled a list of 100 things that I hate. There's no underlying theme (well, that I'm aware of... my psychologist might have something to say to that), no order, and no justification. I kept to petty hates, and left the big-ticket hate items for people who want to be taken seriously. For the record: yes, I do agree that anti-semitism, world hunger, and murder are all BAD.

Anyway, without further clarification or explanation, here are 100 Things I Hate.

1. People who say "LOL" or "WTF" when they talk.
2. Cars that change lanes without using their turn signals.
3. Junk mail.
4. Facebook fan pages created for concepts.
5. Morning radio talk shows on music stations.
6. Naked baby pictures.
7. Family Guy.
8. Lady Gaga
9. Cauliflower
10. Angry poems about loneliness and alienation written by white teenage boys - including my own.
11. Professional athletes turned actors.
12. She's the Man.
13. The ridiculous amount of praise a mediocre movie like Avatar has gotten.
14. Uncomfortable church pews.
15. Making phone calls.
16. Sean Hannity.
17. The Wheel of Time book series.
18. Picture texts.
19. Black licorice.
20. Wet socks during the winter.
21. The lyrics to the song "Renegades of Funk" (or pretty much anything by Rage Against the Machine).
22. Angry single people at Valentine's Day.
23. People who sue over things that they themselves are responsible for.
24. Stage makeup.
25. Any Billy Joel song as covered by a country artist.
26. Inversion.
27. Novelty ringtones.
28. The flavor of cola.
29. Itches on your feet when you're wearing shoes.
30. Politics according to Green Day.
31. Those freaking Happy Bunny posters.
32. Stuttering when talking to a pretty girl.
33. The "blue screen of death."
34. That beeping noise video games make when your character's almost dead.
35. Company-wide comic book crossovers.
36. Sawdust.
37. The Chipmunk voice.
38. Driving west into the sunset.
39. Food poisoning.
40. Carlos Mencia.
41. People who come in to doctors' offices smelling like cigarette smoke.
42. Owl City and that stupid "Fireflies" song.
43. People who wear Bluetooth earpieces when not actually on the phone.
44. Eggs.
45. Radio ads that rewrite the lyrics to popular songs to hock a product.
46. John Lennon's "Imagine."
47. The premature cancellation of Pushing Daisies.
48. Autotune
49. Lucy Van Pelt.
50. Typos in text messages.
51. Splinters you don't notice until a day or two after you get them.
52. The cult of Michael Jackson.
53. Random brownouts.
54. Trying to spell the word "bureaucracy."
55. Mathematical series.
56. Smelling dog poop/BO and not being able to tell where it's coming from.
57. T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland."
58. Cherries.
59. Katy Perry
60. The card game "Scum."
61. Pants that don't sufficiently cover a person's butt crack.
62. People who say, "'Funner' is not a word."
63. Short, awkward conversations on the elevator.
64. Winter.
65. The Fray.
66. Obama adoration.
67. Any comedy television show that tries to be Arrested Development and fails.
68. Phone tag.
69. Nickelback.
70. Shrink wrap glued to the spine of a DVD case.
71. Marshmallow Peeps.
72. Getting an itch just before you fall asleep.
73. Trite expressions like "You can't get CRAP without RAP."
74. Fergie
75. Uninspired graffiti.
76. The fact that the numbers on a 9-key and on a telephone are in a different order.
77. Pioneer Day.
78. Live tracks where the band gets the audience to sing along, and the audience can't sing.
79. Internet fanfiction.
80. The constant rebooting of decades-running franchises.
81. Boy Scout uniforms.
82. Mosquitos and their bites.
83. The insane popularity of Twilight.
84. "Funny" email forwards.
85. Brand names in songs and poetry.
86. Andrew Lloyd Weber and the stupidity of a Phantom of the Opera sequel.
87. Unnecessary sequels.
88. Talking baby commercials.
89. Icy sidewalks.
90. Holes in the toes of socks.
91. Star Wars, post prequels.
92. Any round of American Idol that didn't have Kelly Clarkson as the eventual winner.
93. Chuck Norris jokes.
94. Anyone who writes "teh" instead of "the" on purpose.
95. World of Warcraft.
96. Adults who refuse to use real language when talking to babies.
97. Those little popcorn shells that get stuck in your gums.
98. Touching people.
99. Getting cold hands.
100. Dating.

I'll See YOU On Broadway

I spent some time over the weekend at my parents' place - mainly because I simply HAD to take my mother up on her offer for a pizza dinner (if you'd ever had it, you'd know). Anyway, so I spent some time looking at the pictures my parents have on the wall. My parents have a little display for each of their children. So I saw:

1 - pictures of Joseph and his beautiful wife, Deborah
2 - pictures of Bryan and his beautiful wife, Patricia
3 - pictures of Robert, his beautiful wife, Allicia, and their beautiful daughter, Claire.
4 - pictures of me doing musical theater with a bunch of dudes.

I think my parents think I'm gay.

Second Strike of the Sunday School Sketch Sniper

Good night, do I love alliteration!


Nothing too new in this set. The sketch in the upper-left corner comes from a painting of Jesus I saw in Sunday School class.

The upper-right figure doesn't look too much like the person I was trying to draw, but I actually LOVE how I did the hair.

The guy in the middle illustrates that my problems with drawing hair extend even to facial hair.

The guy in the bottom-right probably best resembles the person I tried to sketch of all the attempts I've made thus far. So I'm kind of proud of it.

Meanwhile, the woman I modeled the bottom-left sketch after looks very little like Hillary Clinton in real life, so I can call that one a failure.

The top two figures don't look a whole lot like the people they were based on. The guy's got a bit of a cut-off skull (his head's too squished). The sketch of the girl has a bit too much of a turned-up nose.

I tried to cartoonize both of them, and wound up with some extras from the Children of the Corn. We'll just move on now.

I recognize that I need to start sketching more inanimate objects as well as people, so we have a REALLY bad stool here, a fairly decent hanging lamp, and a bookshelf that I got tired of drawing books on, so I just gave up by the bottom shelf. People are SO much more interesting to draw.

In each of the corners here are cartoon people sketches I did without a model. The upper-left one I'm particularly proud of. For some reason, he looks like Guile from Street Fighter 2. Don't know why I drew Guile, and I REALLY don't know why I gave him serpent eyes. I think I was just experimenting.

I've been working so much on sketching heads in 3/4 view that I've neglected to draw front-on faces. Both of the faces above are based on characters from The Office. The one in the bottom left is Steve Carell as Michael Scott on the front of the Season 2 DVD boxed set. I think it's a fairly accurate depiction.

For the upper-left face, I paused the DVD on a close up of Jenna Fischer as Pam Beesley (sigh). Yeah, I do recognize that doesn't look a bit LIKE Pam or anyone else. We can now add TEETH to my list of things that I hate to draw.

I'm proud of this sketch: my first full-body person that DOESN'T make me cringe when I look at it. I designed him myself (which is probably why he looks a little bland). The hands still aren't quite the right size, but they're much better. Much, MUCH better.

I think I've pretty much figured out how I'm going to do cartoon eyes from here on out. They don't seem to look a whole lot LIKE eyes, but they work for me. My only concern is that the style draws too much from the big-eyed sparkle-faces you see in Japanese animation.

I need to get a better sense for proportions, especially from the front-view. Once again, I wound up drawing a face that I had to plant smack in the center of a rather chunky face to make the character even look HUMAN.

Oh, and I draw ties because they make the sketch LOOK better, but are really easy to draw.

And is anyone else surprised I hadn't drawn Batman until now?

Man, I love Batman even MORE than I love alliteration. Combine the two -

"Basically, Batman beats baddies by belligerently bashing their brains."

- and I'm in heaven.

Sunday Sketches

I’ve taken to breaking out my sketch pad during my three-hour church meetings on Sundays. The sketching keeps me awake and occupies my right brain, leaving my left brain free to actually pay attention to the sermons. It’s the most complex multitasking I’m capable of, followed closely behind by eating pizza rolls while, and at the same time, cooking more pizza rolls.

Of course, like all the best pastimes, there is some danger in the Sunday afternoon sketches. While I enjoy drawing other people, I’m paranoid that they’ll catch me drawing them, because… well, I don’t know what you all think, but if I caught someone surreptitiously sketching me, I’d be the tiniest bit creeped out. Admittedly, I’m prone to overreaction, but I still think others would find me WEIRD.

Because I’m totally NOT weird.

Not at all.

…

Nope.

Anyway, I like drawing the people I see in church because it makes me feel like a sniper, concealing myself from others, carefully picking my targets, and then taking them out while no one is looking. Besides, I feel that, more than just about any other exercise, this has helped me develop as an “artist”… and just USING that word makes me feel like I washed down my morning bagel with an enormous mug of pretentiousness.

Let me share my Sunday School Snipe-Sketching Sessions™ with you:


In the upper-left hand corner, you can see my first REAL attempt at drawing a face free-hand, without any guide. It looks… well, pretty terrible. I’d meant it to be some skinny guy, and I OBVIOUSLY failed. In fact, the dude barely looked human until I decided to make him a bit portly.

Moving on, I’d like to point out Guy #4. I saw him sleeping a few seats down from me while I was attending a friend’s church meeting. The man had the most FANTASTICALLY shaped face, especially his hair. While thick around the sides, it thinned out dramatically at the top. As it got closer to his forehead, it started fading until it was almost completely gone… then suddenly sprouted in a huge lock right above his brow. I couldn’t NOT draw it, it looked so cool to me. I’d heard that learning to draw would help me find beauty in everyone I met, but I didn’t believe it until that moment.

The next few sketches weren’t as impressive. Again, Guy #5 shows that I can’t draw skinny that well yet (I swear that kid is NOT as fat as that picture makes him look). Guy #6 is SUPPOSED to be male, but, to me, he doesn’t look it.

Girl #7 is a fairly poor representation of the girl that taught my Sunday School class this Sunday past. After I first completed the drawing – before I started editing the HECK out of it – I had drawn a fairly-attractive Asian woman. Trouble is, the model is NOT Asian. Not even close. So, yeah, a bit of a failure there.

Also, I still suck at hands.

Girl #8 is a free drawing – no model used. I was trying to distinguish between male and female facial features after the fiasco that was Guy #6. I wound up with something feminine looking, but the result reminds me of some of the poor quality animation you find in those Disney knock-off cartoons.


Model #1 from this page is my first real attempt to draw realistic hair. I can’t quite figure out how to do it yet. But trust me, this girl has pretty cute hair.

For the second picture, I decided to do something bigger than just a face or head. I tried to copy the speaker’s suit and tie, the pulpit… everything I could see. It went pretty well, all in all. I know I haven’t quite achieved REALISM in my sketches, but the cartoonish portraits work pretty well for me.

I’ve always been a big fan of the suit. Take even a plain looking guy, put him in a suit, and you ratchet up the sexy rating by ten points. Turns out the suit does the same thing in the sketch. Plus, a suit’s pretty easy to draw, so bonus points there.

The hand on Model #2 doesn’t belong to the same guy who modeled the face, by the way. He’d long since sat down. It’s still a terrible hand – looks all blobby to me. I think I may need some anatomy lessons.

The rest of the sketches are cartoon male faces – I’m still trying to figure out how to draw facial features on my own. I think I’ve got noses down. Eyes are another thing, and I hate, HATE drawing hair.

Which brings me to my third page of Sunday sketches, which I actually scratched out during a Monday night activity. The faces are pretty much… well, I think they’re kind of terrible, to be honest, if only because they don’t look all that much like the people who modeled them Still, as far as exercises go, I’m pretty pleased with them.

My main goal here was to work on hair – which I still don’t quite understand how to draw. I tried a new approach here with these three models. I drew the general shape of the hair first (and that’s as far as I got with Mr. Microphone there). After that, I drew in blocks for the major shapes and flows that the hairdos made. I added texture to indicate direction, and wound up with… well, kind of a mess, judging by the Gordian knot I drew on the bottom there (that was the back of some girl’s head, by the way). I feel like it’s progress, but it’s not done yet.

Oh, and, in addition to hands and hair, I can now say that I HATE drawing lips. The male model there on that last page looks terrible with the lips drawn in. Trouble is, now that I’ve DRAWN lips on him, he looks even worse without them. Bah.

Self-deprecation aside, I’m actually incredibly proud of the drawings I’ve made. Sure, they’re not perfect, but they’re much better than I thought I was capable of a few months ago. I feel six-years old again, getting so excited by what I’ve just doodled on a page with crayon that I want everyone to see. Luckily, I have access to the world’s largest refrigerator door – the Internet – so everyone CAN see exactly how awesome I am.

By the way, you should all try this pretentiousness I’m drinking. It tastes great, and it’s surprisingly healthy.