Fear the Future

I've lost a lot of sleep recently.  A lot of that's due to the weird stomach bug I got last week, one I managed to shake by lying under a pile made up of every blanket I own for about twelve hours and sweating it out. But I've also started to worry a bunch, something I always thought old people did for no reason.

No, that reason has started to make a whole heck of a lot of sense.

The future's a big scary place, one which could just as easily be full of caramel pudding cups as it could be a gauntlet of naked Miley Cyruses riding atop construction equipment. The fact that I no longer know what to prepare for doesn't help at all. I've got all sorts of questions that press on my mind at night, and they never really go away during the day:

Can I really continue to make ends meet the way I'm working?

What if I get fired tomorrow?

What if I don't get the TTP Project report turned in on time?

Of course, these are completely silly questions. The way I'm working, I've never been MORE successful, I've got no reason to think I WILL get fired, and the TTP Project doesn't even exist except as the punch line to an old Dilbert comic strip. Yet none of that actually helps me stop worrying.

Last year was a big one for me. Can't remember a bigger year among the thirty or so I had before. And I realize that most of the decisions I made during that year were motivated by some kind of fear. I saw a lot of scary stuff last year. Friends and family had their lives made very difficult through lost work, or illness, or legal troubles. So I made it my goal last year to do everything I could to avoid those problems.

Heck, if I'm completely honest, my whole life's course has been altered due to some kind of fear. The reason I live in a cushy house instead of a cardboard box where I write my fifth sequel to Batman vs. Sharktopus on the back of a Chik-Fil-A wrapper is because I made the decision some time ago to put my financial well-being ahead of my dreams, a decision deeply rooted in the fear that I couldn't somehow do both simultaneously.

The strangest part? I can't say that I made the wrong decision. Fear has led me to a pretty good place, despite Yoda's strictest warning.  Doesn't stop me from dwelling on the woulda-couldas, though, and it doesn't stop the fear. 

Guys, I really want a teddy bear!