Set Me Up Not

I've made my opinions on dating abundantly clear in the past - basically that it's an outdated construct left to us by an era that still reveled in fancy dress balls and holding cups daintily with a pinky extended. Still, I live in a culture that expects its members to date, and I've reached an age where it's unusual to be seen at social affairs alone. Thus, it is only natural that well-meaning neighbors and relatives would want to ease the social awkwardness of my constant solitude by offering to help me find a partner.

I appreciate the effort. I really do. However... STOP IT!

The question has come up more than once in the last little while - mainly in response to a joke status I posted on Facebook (word of advice: take NOTHING I post online seriously!). Given how many times I've been asked if I'd like to meet your friend, I thought I'd take a moment to explain just why the answer is alway "Not on your life."

Let me start by saying it's nothing personal. It's just that I don't trust you. It's not that I think you're a bad judge of character, or that you don't have good taste. I've just never had a good experience with the blind date, so I've learned to be skeptical when someone says they know someone PERFECT for me.

And what, pray tell, are those transcendent qualities which make your friend and I so perfectly suited?

"Hey, I've got a friend whose single. Want me to set you up?"

"Oh, you'll love her. She's nice."

"You both read, so you'll have a lot to talk about."

Indeed... Okay, no, those are actually really not very good reasons to set two bodies up.

See, when the only thing two people have in is their relationship status, they don't have much of a foundation to build off of. I mean, once they get together, they're not single anymore. So they've already lost the only thing they had in common. That's just cruel - a relationship doomed from the start.

Oh, and if you're friend wasn't nice, I'd probably have a hard time understanding why you stay friends with this person. So not much of a selling point there. Heck, I'd probably be more interested if you told me your friend was a jerk who belches after every meal, just due to the variety.

The one that really gets me, though, is that last bit. Seriously, I've had a lot of people set me up on dates with people who read, just because I read, too, as if our mutual appreciation for sheets of paper folded and bound together somehow makes us immediately compatible. Is there any other medium people see as an appropriate starting place for a relationship?

"Hey, I see you've got an iPod. Well, my friend has an iPod, too. You two should totally hang out."

"Sweet! Is it a Touch?"

"We'll, it's a Nano, actually..."

"BLAM! Keep on walkin', homeslice!"

Okay, joking aside, the reason I turn down offers for blind dates is that I've never been on a blind date that I really enjoyed... or, heck, even one I've disliked. The result's always been the same: two people with nothing in common except a mutual acquaintance share a meal and an I enlightening conversation before going their separate ways and never seeing each other again. There's not even a good STORY to tell at the end of the night.

And, besides, nobody can tell me they know what I'm looking for in a partner, when I don't even know that myself.