Confessions: Beard Bother

I swore I'd never be one of those guys, but I can't help it anymore: I'm kinda in love with my own beard.

Facial hair is pretty cool. It keeps your face warm in the winter and just makes you look like an all-round more rugged individual. However, as with most things, facial hair comes with its own irritations.

• Okay, yeah, so facial hair keeps you warm, but it also collects all that moisture you exhale, so you wind up with some nice lip-densation.
  
  Portmanteaus are hard


• Have you ever gotten your beard caught in a zipper? Mine's not even that long, and I still have problems.


• Turns out that moustaches are pretty good at catching things other than exhalations. I've taken to eating with a utensil in one hand and a napkin in the other, just to keep my face clean.


• Did you know that hair falls out? It's true. When facial hair falls out, it lands either (1)on your tongue, or (2) in your cereal bowl. Every time.


• It will never not be sweet to have a beard to stroke while thinking.

Confessions: Calvin and Hobbes

1 - Back when I was a child, growing up in an unfinished basement in West Valley City, Utah, my best friend and I would spend long hours lying on the floor, reading "Calvin and Hobbes" out loud. We each took turns reading for the different characters. Years later, these same jokes still make me laugh.

(By the way, his most recent blog post deals with his feelings towards the death of Osama Bin Ladin. Mine is all about this cool sequence I read in a Superman comic. Obviously, one of us has grown into his responsibility a little better than the other.)

2 - I've actually tried to play Calvinball before.


It... wasn't as fun as I'd hoped.

3 - I got a stuffed tiger for Christmas when I was five years old that I named "Nicholas." After coercion from my brothers, I changed the tiger's name to "Hobbes." Years later, I can finally concede that they were right.

4 - Back when I was in third or fourth grade, I decided to dress up as Stupendous Man for Halloween. I didn't dress up in the full Stupendous Man costume, though. In what I thought was a brilliant move, I dressed up as "Calvin dressed up as Stupendous Man" - complete with purple cape, red and black striped shirt, and black pants.


To this day, it's probably my favorite Halloween costume I ever had - and I also dressed up one year as a super awesome witch doctor.

My mom made the best Halloween costumes, and that's a fact.

5 - Every time I read this comic:


...my mind totally locks in on that second panel. I always picture Calvin, suddenly standing alone in a spotlight, singing the words "By ode dad id tryig to gill me" to an audience booing and hissing Calvin's dad.

It's totally weird.

6 - A friend of mine (to whom I am NOT engaged!) tried to start calling me "Hobbes" recently. It hasn't really stuck - which is a shame, because if I could pick a nickname, "Hobbes" would be a pretty good one.

Instead, I get "Braddy Buns." Man...

Confessions: Rap

1 - I've always loved rap. It's true. Specifically, I've always had a soft spot for this guy:

...which is actually pretty funny, because Eminem is one of two musicians whose repertoire actually frightens me.

He's the other.

Anyway, I always thought, "Man, if only Eminem would rap about something OTHER than beating women, I'd probably call myself a fan." And then he wrote "Love the Way You Lie."

And, yeah, I actually love this song.

Sure, it's another song about misogyny and abuse, but I think it's slightly different from some of the others I've heard. I don't think it's intended to be mean-spirited. If nothing else, the inclusion of Rihanna on the track (herself a victim of abuse) leads me to believe that, more than anything else, the song's meant to portray the mindscape of the abuser - not to excuse him, but to UNDERSTAND him.

Which, I think, is actually more important from a strictly artistic POV.

2 - Ever hear the song "Magic"? It's probably my favorite song currently playing on the radio.

B.o.B. kinda bugged me up until now. His earlier hit, "Airplane," struck me as bland and completely forgettable if not for the stupid premise. As for "Nothin' on You"... Yuck. Completely unlistenable.

"Magic," though, is pretty awesome. The song's pure fun - I can't picture ANYONE rhyming like that without getting a HUGE grin on their face. The song reminds me of Andre 3000 - full of fun.

Actually, when you consider the tongue-in-cheek egoism of the song, it comes across as this strange mash-up between Outkast and Weezer that TOTALLY WORKS. Plus, Weezer's Rivers Cuomo provides the vocals, and that's just way too cool.

3 - I know he's supposed to suck or whatever, but I kinda like Flo Rida. I'd love to learn the lyrics to "Club Can't Handle Me," except I never have any intention of going to the club, so it'd be a patent lie.

Also, I can't ever understand what the heck he's saying. But he sure is bouncy when he says it.

Confessions: Wedding Fantasy

I tried to find a good wedding picture, but everything I saw on Google Image search was so cliche and run-of-the-mill that I couldn't really pick it.

Hmm... maybe THAT'S why I'm still single.

1 - At one wedding I attended with some friends, we saw a bride and groom getting their pictures taken.

"Check it out," I said, "that bride totally has her hand in her husband's back pocket."

"Oh, man," my friend said. "I can't WAIT until you get married and that happens to you."

"That'll never happen to me."

"Why? You're bride won't want to touch you?"

"No, man, she won't have any arms. I'm gonna marry a torso."

2 - I HATE wedding receptions. I planned for the longest time never to have one, so I wouldn't have to put up with all the hassle of planning it - not to mention the feuding in-laws.

(Yes, I KNOW that, traditionally, the groom's family doesn't plan the reception, but I've seen so much drama even from the GROOM'S side of things that I'd still rather abstain from the whole thing).

Well, I've recently changed my tune. When* I get married, I plan on having a reception - mainly just so I can get swag from my parents' friends.

3 - The one reception that I had genuine FUN at had a big dance. I plan on having a dance when* I get married.

And my bride WILL let me play Robert Palmer at my wedding or she's gonna have to find another sugar daddy!

*"if"

Confessions: Dreams

1 - You know that dream where you go out, off to work/school/whatever, and then you realize that you somehow left without your clothes? Yeah, I have that dream ALL THE TIME.

Seriously, like once a week. I've heard that means something about being insecure and unsure of your own self-worth, but I can't belive that, because, seriously:

I also have that one dream where you sign up for a college class, walk in the class on the day of the final, then realize that you've never actually BEEN to the class. I guess that probably means that I place a lot of value on education, but don't ever actually SUCCEED in learning anything...

2 - I once had a dream where I couldn't spit. I can't explain why. It's like I HAD to spit, like I had blood or something in my mouth, but I was physically incapable of actually spitting. The weirdest part is that I've actually had this dream TWICE, and the second time was just a couple of days ago.

At least the second time I woke up before I finally succeeded in spitting.

3 - I once dreamed I spent an entire day dressed up in a nun's habit.

4 - The first nightmare I ever had that actually scared me involved a vampire. And I mean a REAL vampire, with pale skin, widow's peaks, fangs, and NO SPARKLES.

It's probably cliche now to make fun of Twilight. And, one of these days, I'll probably stop.

But that day is not today - Twilight's stupid.

Confessions: Music

The following confessions are all true – if not in fact, then in spirit.

1 – The first time I heard the song “Jukebox Hero,” I was on my way to a night of Country Swing Dancing with a girl I was nuts about. I can’t help but think of her every time I hear the song – which was more memorable than every single country song I heard that night.

2 – I once saw one of “those” internet videos of a girl dancing to “Rock You like a Hurricane.” As a sensitive young Mormon boy that has never seen a girl’s leg above the lower edge of the kneecap, I’ve been emotionally scarred ever since. I can’t even LISTEN to the Scorpions anymore. I still beat Guitar Hero 3, but it was uncomfortable.

3 – On my way back from Flaming Gorge when I was about 13, I heard this song on the radio:

“Those were the days my friend!
We thought they’d never end.
We sang and laughed forever and a day.
We lived the life we’d choose,
We’d fight and never lose,
Those were the days. Oh yes, those were the days.”

I have never heard this song since. I still remember the words, I remember the sound of the woman's voice, but I don't know anything else about the song. I don't know who wrote it, who sang it, anything. I guess I could look it up or something, but I kinda enjoy having this ethereal mystery song from my past.

I first heard "American Pie" on that same car trip.

4 - A terrible day will turn into an awesome day if you hear three Doobie Brothers songs in a row. Fact.

Confessions - Superstitions

The following confessions are 100% true.



1 - I consider it to be bad luck to look at a digital clock at 11:34. Remember playing with old digital calculators in elementary school? You input a few numbers, turn them upside-down, and then you spell a word? I think I always felt guilty for spelling "hell," so now I'm conflicted every morning and night.

2 - What I hear on the radio in my car while driving to any public event foreshadows how much I'll enjoy/dislike that event. If I hear good music on my way over, I'll have a good time. If I don't, it'll be a wash.

This holds especially true for any performance I happen to be involved in. If, for example, on my way to an improv show, I spend the entire trip flipping between radio stations, I have a bad show that night. If, on the other hand, I hear anything by the Foo Fighters, I know the show will rock the ultimate.

3 - If you ask me whether or not I believe in telepathy, I'll say no. However, if you actually COULD read my mind, I think you'd be surprised at how often I think to myself, "Crap! I hope this person can't read my mind right now!"