Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Braddy's Super Spoiler-Filled Iron Man 3 Blog Post

Sometimes it pays to have connections. I've got a buddy who's a film critic, and every now and again he's able to bring a friend to a pre-screening of an upcoming movie. And THAT'S how I go to see Iron Man 3 before it came out. Don't believe me? Look, I got a poster:


Fun fact: This poster is backwards.

Iron Man 3 gave me a TON to talk about, so y'all better hold on to your dairy products, because HERE. COME. THE SPOILERS!!!
  • Once upon a time, I predicted that there was no way Iron Man 3 could be any good, because they'd already used up all the good AC/DC songs. Well, the movie was still fantastic, but they really DID run into a bit of a musical problem, when "Big Balls" plays over the opening fight sequence.
  • Are we really going to get a Mickey Mouse cameo in all of the Marvel movies now? The Stan Lee stuff was silly enough.
  • Tony Stark keeps Agent Coulson's brain in a jar, and he spends almost the whole movie trying to find a way to put the brain inside one of his Iron Man suits.
  • Remember when "shawarma" was the big scene after the credits in The Avengers? Well, that wasn't as random as it looked... Turns out the Mandarin's entire motivation can be traced back to that scene. If you watch the scene again, you can actually see Ben Kingsley stick his head out from the kitchen in the restaurant. I can't believe we all missed it the first time around.
  • SOMEONE had to die in the third Iron Man movie. I expected it to be Jon Favreau's character, or, heck, even Don Cheadle. I got REALLY ticked when it looked like they were going to kill Pepper, but then Stark steps up, takes the bullet, and... dies?
  • Of course, Pepper holding her stomach at the funeral kinda gave me the impression that she was pregnant, and with all the genetic engineering stuff that goes on in the movie, I think it's entirely possible that we'll wind up with some kind of Teen Iron Man in future movies. Hey, it happened in the comics.

Project 13: The World Turns in Anger

The world, much like love, is an accident. Before there were cities, and before there were stars, there were two brothers. Perhaps there were more - perhaps there are unnamed mothers, fathers, and sisters that our collective imagination no longer remember. When I turn my eyes backwards through history, though, I can see clearly only two: Apollyn and Nochran. Theirs was an empty world - no skies or seas to distinguish from the pervasive, oppressive void.

Although: it seems that, for a time, the void was sufficient. The brothers were not ambitious, nor were they difficult to please. They spent no time in idle conversation with each other; if they had a language at this point - though I can not say for certain that they did, but if they had - there was nothing for that language to describe. Besides, the brothers' status did not change from day to day, and so they were content to merely exist as they always had.

There is no way of knowing now (and, given the tragedy that is about to ensue, it may be impossible to ever determine) whether it was Nochran or Apollyn who first decided to shape to formless detritus about him into a sphere and set it spinning through the void. The brother - and whether he acted from idle curiosity or genuine scientific interest is also never likely to be understood - gathered matter about his fingertips and, with both hands, compressed the matter until it heated and fused together in his palms. He released the mass he had created and watched it drift off, slowly, into the void, where it soon cooled and vanished from sight

The other brother - Apollyn or Nochran - saw his brother's actions and strove immediately to do likewise. Matter was found, shaped, and let loose to float in the ether, until the entirety of empty space about them was filled with the cold, lifeless flotsam of their lackadaisical creations.

With space so quickly crowded, the brothers could not help but bump into the products of their labors. And it is not inconceivable - indeed, it's very nearly likely - that one of the brothers would happen to, during a snooze, accidentally inhale one of the errant specks. And then, via a cough or a sneeze, the brother would shoot that speck back out and marvel at the change that had been wrought. For, you see, the brother's breath had a peculiar effect on these bizarre spheres. They somehow held on to the air that had wrapped around them, as well as the bits of spittle and phlegm from the giant's throats. They developed atmospheres, and soon thereafter mossy life appeared on the surface of these accidental planetoids.

Now the brothers had a reason to engage. Both Nochran and Apollyn began to experiment with the formerly lifeless and uninteresting crumbs they had created. What if, thought one brother, I compressed this matter with my armpit rather than my palms? And what if, thought the other, I warm this bit in my mouth before pressing it all together? For countless ages the brothers experimented, combining the formerly meaningless chunks of matter with their own bodily functions to create new and exciting planetoids.

And, dare I say it, something akin to people started to appear on the surface of these spheres.

Any artist will tell you that with creation comes jealousy, and so it was with the brother Apollyn. He saw a bit of his brother's creation, and he coveted. So he took the sphere without his brother's consent and added a touch of his own - a drip of saliva for an ocean, or an eyelash for shrubbery. Just a minor change, surely, but one of great significance to the original creator, who felt his masterpiece had been unjustly altered, even vandalized.

Was that the start of the feud? Or was it something even smaller, such as brother Nochran losing track of his surroundings, only for one of the celestial knick-knacks composed by brother Apollyn to collide carelessly with his head. Oh, the pain! Having lived so long in an empty void, brother Nochran had never experienced a sensation quite like pain, and he did not relish the experience. And so it was that he turned, in a fury, to confront his brother.

And the conflict began, and it soon turned physical - perhaps because language had still not been invented to allow the brothers to talk out their complaints, or perhaps because the brothers then were much like brothers now, who speak more fluently with slaps and kicks than with any composition of the tongue. Perhaps, to give the brothers some credit, they began with only those smallest, most misshapen barren planets. Maybe they possessed some innate, instinctual sense of the sanctity of the life they had created. Perhaps they did so, but even if they did their conflict soon escalated until every speck of dust the brothers had created was turned into the ammunition of revenge.

Truly, if any man living today had seen the calamity that had befallen the world of creation so early on, that man (or woman - let's not be discriminatory) would be brought to the most painful of sobs, even if it were a creature of singleminded malevolence towards his fellows, for who could watch without emotion the complete eradication of all life by beings no more cognizant of its existence than you or I are of the insect we so inconsiderately swallow during our nightly slumbers?

Now, the brothers' feud had an additional consequence, one neither party could anticipate. The rage with which they fought, the petty anger, caused many of the small fragments of their once glorious creations to ignite. They burned and spun out into the beyond, creating light where there had been none. At length, the brothers could see the extent of the damage they had done, and they lamented it.

No, that can't be true. There was no sorrow, nor even introspection, as with the cessation of their brawl the brothers each scooped armfuls of their raw working material and separated to different sides of space, each pursuing from that point on their own projects without interference or input from the other.

Now, their feud wasn't entirely fruitless, for it allowed them to experiment with a new material - fire, the likes of which neither brother had before beheld. And so it was that life was created anew, with light to guide and warm by day and dark to cool and lull into repose. Thus also was the warm center of the earth created, which radiates with a heat capable of nurturing a variety of creatures and plants neither brother could have dreamed of before the brawl.

And do those sparks of heat still contain the anger of the brothers' fight? Is there some residual flicker of rage smouldering at the center of the planet? Does that heat emanate outward, filling in the hearts of the men and beasts that walk on that planet's surface? And is the brothers' war continued today? Well you ask, my friend, but who can find the answer to such questions?

Perhaps a better question would be this: What great coldness, what unendurable inhospitality would remain we're those fires extinguished?


A couple of weeks ago, I got the idea to write a creation myth. At the time, it seemed like that would be a fun prompt. When I decided to make that prompt my starting place for this week, I just wasn't feeling it. The story would not come together.

Hover, that changed when I switched up the narrative voice. I've been reading a lot of Salman Rushdie lately (specifically Midnight's Children, with its unabashedly unreliable narrator), and I found that voice was a lot of fun to write.

The picture isn't much to write home about. I started working it in color, and then I realized it was just taking me too long, and I really wasn't into how it was turning out. So I slapped this one together and called it a day. I'll put more effort into the next pic. Promise.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Daffy Laffy Taffy Time


Ah, Laffy Taffy. As far as candy goes, it's pretty okay. But the REAL draw of Laffy Taffy is the joke on the wrapper, right? I mean, who could POSSIBLY resist the riotous pun-laden humor of the Laffy Taffy Joked Submission Brigade.

Okay, I imagine that a LOT of people find Laffy Taffy jokes unfunny. Those people are DOING IT WRONG! Yes, there is a right way to read Laffy Taffy wrappers, and it'll increase your enjoyment of both the candy and the comedy a hundredfold.

The Braddy Laffy Taffy technique is simple, but it must be executed precisely - you must read the punch line for the OPPOSITE joke. Allow me to demonstrate with the wrapper I have before me:
Rebekah P. asks: Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Answer: They both have sandy claws.
Get it? SANDY CLAWS!

You don't get it? Well, let's look at the other pair:
Thomas B. asks: What does Christmas have to do with a cat in the desert?
Answer: Hot. Everyone can catch a cold.
See? It really IS better!

...

You still don't agree, hmm? Maybe I'm the only one who finds surreality so engaging.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Things I'll Love Forever: Superman


I've always been one to miss a bandwagon. Yesterday was apparently the 75th anniversary of the publication of Action Comics #1, and thus it was also the birthday of Superman. As I've gotten older, I've gotten more and more disillusioned with superheroes as a medium - mainly because the characters who filled the stories I loved as a child now exist in forms I'd never want my own children to witness. Now, sometimes the more mature takes on superhero storytelling are indisputably awesome, but I still find myself longing for the clean, four-color adventures I grew up with, when heroes were heroes and villains wore impractical costumes and wanted to "take over the world." And, in recent months, Superman has come to embody that quiet optimism for me.
  • The classic Superman look - blue tights with red cape and shorts - is undeniably goofy, but somehow endearing at the same time. In real life, someone dressed in a Superman costume looks silly. Period. In a comic book, though, in that brilliant four-color world, the Superman costume looks downright inspiring.
  • I have to admit that Superman's concept is a little silly, but sometimes silly is good. A confluence of silly things can come together to make an outrageous yet profoundly meaningful story. Sure, Superman's secret identity is a little hard to swallow (glasses?), and his powers are all over the place (he has the ability to shoot a midget version of himself out of his hands. Seriously), but those silly ideas simply build up a world where anything can happen, and when it does happen, it turns out for the best. You can't beat that kind of optimism.
  • There's a beautiful metaphor at the heart of Superman's character. He's an alien, an outsider... yet he chooses to be a part of society. He has the power to be whatever he wants... and he chooses to be a hero. Tell me that's not what every parent wants for their struggling teen.
  • I've heard a lot of people complain that Superman is "too powerful" to be relatable. With all due respect to those people, who are of course entitled to their own opinions, their the wrongest wronglings to ever be wrong about anything. In a Superman story (well, a good one, at any rate), the conflict of the story isn't settled through violent confrontation, except maybe as metaphor. The stakes are never life and death - they're deeper. Superman, a literal embodiment of selflessness and heroism, battles against Lex Luthor, who represents greed, vanity, and all the worst aspects of human nature. And Superman wins every time. That's some &@$%in' good stuff, mate!

Okay, I've rambled a bit, but I still don't think I've made my point. Let me close with the words of Grant Morrison, writer of All-Star Superman (with art by the inimitable Frank Quitely, whose pictures I've used here). Morrison probably expressed in a couple dozen words the sentiment I've failed to capture in however many paragraphs:
"Somewhere, in our darkest night, we made up the story of a man who will never let us down."
And THAT'S why I'll love him forever.

BONUS: I stumbled across this video a few days ago. Check it out: Superman from the days of Merry Melodies. It's an animation classic and quite possibly my favorite Superman story I've seen in a long time.


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Cooking with Braddy: Swiss Steak Casserole


I REALLY need to read these recipes more closely before I commit to making them...

Okay, so I did the whole shopping thing on Saturday, thinking that, after a busy day of meetings and church and whatnot on Sunday, I might like to spend a nice, relaxing evening at home cooking. So I pull out this new cookbook my aunt gave me for my birthday and decide I'd give it a shot. I mean, I don't actually have a casserole dish, but I've got a glass baking pan, so I think I can handle it, right?

Well, sort of. See, first of all, I always assume that, because I only cook for one most of the time, everyone ELSE only cooks for one as well. That, of course, is just silly talk. Turns out, the food in the picture above is intended to make casserole enough for EIGHT WHOLE PEOPLE!!! Now, I can eat a lot, but unless I'm secretly pregnant with septuplets, eating the whole thing would be a bit excessive.

Then there's the cooking time - an hour and a half to cook the meat by itself, and then another hour and a half to cook the veg. Good thing I'm a patient man, otherwise... okay, I'm actually not that patient. Did get through quite a few episodes of my stories, though.

Now, there was one ingredient I couldn't quite figure out from the book, so I had to wing it a bit. The directions called for "chile sauce," which, for the life of me, I couldn't find. Eventually, I think I figured out what they were asking for, but by that point I'd already returned from shopping. So, instead of the chile sauce, I decided to go with a small can of ranchera salsa (there are chiles in salsa, right?). I'm not sure it was the flavor the recipe writer was going for, but it WAS delicious.


Plus, I now have leftovers for, like, a week.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Project 12: Dear Fitness Santa

Dear Fitness Santa,

Happy Fitness Eve!  With the magical day soon approaching, when you ride your magic treadmill through the sky and bring everyone the gift of swimsuit season, I thought I would remind you that I've been extra good this year.  I know you can see everything in your combination crystal ball, pedometer, and heart meter, but you're a busy man (after all, those benches won't press themselves), and you probably didn't have the time to write down all the ways I've qualified for the "Fit" list.  To help you out, I made a list of all the good things I've done this year:
  • I gave up eating unnecessary sweets.  A former cookie addict yourself should appreciate the significance of that sacrifice.
  • I eat more vegetables.  I've put everything green I could find into a smoothie and slurped it down.  I could probably photosynthesize my own food by now.
  • I get plenty of sleep every night.  I go to bed promptly at 9:30, even when my friends are all running around outside wearing togas and party hats.
  • I rise early every day to exercise, interrupting many a delightful dream about Scarlett Johansson defending my honor with a lightsaber.
  • I jog regularly to improve my cardiovascular health, even after my lungs crawled up through my throat and punched out my teeth from the inside for getting in the way of the all the air I sucked in.
  • I've been getting up by pushing pulling, and sitting.
  • I'm taking the stairs, taking my vitamins, and - on occasion, I admit - taking the name of The Lord in vain.  But I imagine that last point is probably more a consideration for the "other" Santa.
You have a lot of children to take care of this Fitness Eve, but I hope you will remember me during your Midnight Marathon around the world.  I don't ask for much, but since I've been so especially diligent in keeping the rules, I know you'll be generous.

Father Fitness, all I want for Fitness Eve is a body to impress the babes with.

Love, Me



This almost wasn't one of my projects. I just remember feeling really resentful one day while jogging, so I thought I'd write a snarky letter I could just post on my blog. Then I realized, if I made this a "project," not only would I be able to catch up a little quicker, but I'd get to draw Santa Clause exercising. And, really, that's all I ever wanted for Fitness Eve.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Classically Minded




It seems I get angry a lot these days. Like, all the time. Frankly, I'm not sure why - it's been going on for a couple of weeks. One day I decided to try to combat some of the anger by listening to soothing music while I drive (instead of my usual audio diet of Death to the Harlots and Busta Capps, my go-to bands). So I rearranged my radio presets, and now I spend a lot of my commutes listening to "Classical 89." In so doing, I've learned a lot - mainly, that classical music doesn't make driving any less rage-inducing. But there have been other things, too.
  • It's a lot easier to identify songs you like on classical music radio stations than on pop music stations. If I like a song on a pop station and try to look it up on the website later, I'm going to have a hard time picking out which of the songs I heard on the morning commute was the one that tickled my fancy-strings. Classical music, though, tends to play selections 15 to 20 minutes long - making whatever song I liked the only one I heard during the commute.
  • I don't like horns. Never thought that'd be something I'd have an opinion on, but now it is. I've heard a few arrangements for horns only, and I just did not care for them at all.
  • The 1812 Overture isn't just a popular melody played in the background of violent children's cartoons. It's actually a GENUINELY GOOD piece of music.
  • Modest Mussorgsky (of Night on Bald Mountain fame) wrote another piece called Dance of the Persian Slaves, a piece which proves that, despite popular convention, Akon didn't invent the objectification of women in music.
  • Classical music DJs are NOT VERY GOOD at their jobs. I've never heard so much stammering, stuttering, and otherwise botched lines from people whose job is to read stuff off paper.
  • Is it just me, or can you actually hear the violinists breathe on classical recordings? Also, I bet that one guy who clapped before the piece ended bought the CD just so he could hear himself.
  • I've found classical music to be really reliable - far more so than most other radio stations I listen to. I tend to surf music stations a lot - flipping from commercial to bad song to annoying morning show host back to commercial. With classical music, though, I can leave the radio on the station and enjoy most everything I hear on it.
You win, high school choir teacher. You win, my dad. Classical music is awesome.