This first week or so, I'll be republishing blogs I posted originally on Facebook. The following, published on 8.22.08, deals with - well, women. One of my favorite subjects.
I remember I used to be quite the workaholic – never giving up on a project until it was finished, almost never letting myself get distracted. Things have changed quite a bit since those days, though. The pivot moment probably came at the same time I switched my college major from Math Education to English, when I traded hours of math homework every night for “read this book by the end of the week and then tell us what you think about it in 750 words.” Math majors are suckers, pure and simple.
I do focus on a task when it needs to get done, and I do get all the work done I need to. However, with my job, it generally takes me AT MOST four of the eight hours I’m scheduled to sit here to make all my phone calls, schedule all the patients, etc., etc. So I need a lot of distractions to pass the time so I don’t go bonkers at my desk. When I’m not reading young adult adventure novels, doing some “independent study” with random Wikipedia articles, or falling asleep, I swap messages over Facebook with other nine-to-fivers who also need the distraction. I’ve been talking a lot with my friend Melissa about dating and romance (a topic which, with Melissa, is pretty freakin’ hard to avoid), and the conversation turned to the “chick flick.”
So it took me two paragraphs to say, “I’ve got a bone to pick with chick flicks, and you can blame Melissa for getting me on the subject.”
Nearly every single chick flick (pretty much all the ones I’ve seen) have a mushy, delusional happy ending triggered by an overly absurd deus ex machina. Now I've got no problems with “happy endings” in general – where would the first Star Wars movie be without the dramatic awards ceremony at the end where Luke and Leia exchange flirtatious grins long before realizing that their union would send Mother Nature into epileptic fits of disgust? The real trouble with the "happy couple" ending up together in a chick flick is that it's the only archetype out there. There's no other template: you never see a movie where the guy DOESN'T get the girl, despite the fact that things go so well. If a guy gets hung up on a girl, he always winds up winning her by the end of the movie.
Almost as common is the mismatched couple. The members of the relationship aren't really all that great for each other, but they still somehow manage to have their montage-worthy screen kiss as the sun sets in the background during the final scene. Take a look at this scenario:
“If you ever fall in love with your arch-enemy and want her to love you back, try this little trick: create an alternate identity to stalk her online while you court her in real life. When she has trouble deciding between you and… the other you… just whisk back the black curtain and – TA DAH! – you’ve just been screwing with her head all this time. I bet she’ll think that’s a cute trick.”
Sound a bit like one of Jack Handy’s “Deep Thoughts”? I hope so, because that’s the effect I was going for. In actuality, though, this is Tom Hanks’ strategy in the movie “You've Got Mail” (which, by the way, I actually like). Sure, all in all, Tom Hanks is a pretty good guy in the movie, but the little stunt he pulls on Meg Ryan’s character online is a total creep move. Total. Creep. Move.
The problem I have with chick flicks is that they perpetuate a lot of myths about romance that I don't believe are true (and since I don't really BELIEVE in romance, I doubt this comes as a surprise). You always see the "one fateful love that changes the world and makes daisies rain down from the heavens," which usually comes after months or years of heartache and disappointment. But you nevereverever SEE the heartache and disappointment - unless you saw "Failure to Launch," expecting a GOOD movie. You were probably disappointed then.
The truth is you can be totally in love with some gorgeous guy or hot girl or whatever. You can seem to be a perfect couple, complimenting each other's virtues and helping to shore up weak character points. In the end, though, it can STILL all blow up in your face.
But Hollywood almost never shows those relationships, to my knowledge. Every once in a while, you get a flick that ends tragically, like “A Walk to Remember,” but there’s a HUGE difference between a real break-up and leukemia (although, in the first stages of the break-up, you might not think so). Just once, I want to see a “chick flick” which portrays two young and unrealistically-attractive individuals who fall madly in love, only to break up after a few months. Then, two years down the road, they run into each other again at a Christmas party. The guy can be all, “Dude! This is, like, totally serendipitous!” And then the girl says, “Sorry, but I’m married now with three kids.”
And it doesn’t count if there’s been some other Girl B in the picture the whole time who’s kind of shy but madly in love with the guy, who’s completely oblivious of her feelings but still likes Girl B as a friend and always goes to her for help with his relationship with Girl A. Then, after Girl A breaks his heart, he looks around and finally notices that Girl B isn’t actually less attractive than Girl A. Girl B is just dark-haired, so her good looks aren’t as close a match to the Hollywood standard of feminine beauty as Girl A’s. At the same time, the guy realizes that Girl A is nothing more than a warm body with the morals of the Nixon administration who regularly eats baby seals. And then, in the end, the suitably attractive man marries Girl B and they live happily ever after, while Girl A’s husband gives her syphilis and dies.
Which brings me to another issue (no, not VDs): The guys in chick flicks set an almost completely unattainable standard for the rest of us “real world-ians” to live up to. Here’s just a sampling of chick-flick actors:
Tom Hanks: Yeah, I’m harping on this guy a lot, and why not? I admit he’s not the most attractive guy in the world. But that doesn't change the fact that he's TOM FREAKIN' HANKS!!! Which means that he's smart, charming, funny, witty... and, even if he's not those things, he's one of the world's best actors, so he can just fake it.
Hugh Grant: Sure, he's got bad teeth, but he makes up for it by being so cuddly and childlike. Plus, he's British, so he's got the accent that American chicks seem to love so much.
Will Smith: “Hitch” comes pretty close to being one of my all-time favorite movies. We get to see Alex Hitchin’s transformation from a bumbling nerd in college to Dr. Phil with abs. But, seriously, Will Smith can’t really muster up any geek cred outside of his years in “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” which only works now because the fashions of the early nineties are laughably awful to our evolved and superior 21st-century tastes.
You never see the real physically-unattractive love interest in the chick flick (or in any of Hollywood’s movies, for that matter – that’s another rant, though). You occasionally get a fat guy played by Kevin James or Jack Black – but they always pull the “fat comedian” card, which makes it okay.
So fat guys have to be funny, tall guys have to be handsome and built, rich guys have to become heart-of-gold blobs of sensitivity, and the rest are relegated to supporting “comic relief” roles. I know it’s supposed to be escapism, but, ladies, you’re going to have to face the harsh reality someday:
The guy you marry has probably cut someone off on the freeway. His body has made strange, rumbling noises during dinner parties. He owns at least one video game system and will devote more time to it than to you sometimes. He probably does not look great in a tuxedo. He’s played Dungeons and Dragons before. He has a zit. Oh, and the way he stutters when he’s around you isn’t because you’ve charmed him speechless. It’s because he’s borderline illiterate.
No, I don’t condone rude behavior, flatulence jokes, D&D, or negligence in a relationship. These are serious issues, though, that will probably take months and years of long conversations and the occasional setback to work out satisfactorily. All life’s romantic issues cannot be solved by a lonely stroll through the park where you gaze longingly at all the happy couple who just magically appeared for the occasion, while wistful music full of longing and regret plays in the background.
If you want to stick with your escapist romantic cinema, that’s fine by me. I might even watch them with you, sometimes – provided you buy me popcorn and let me put my arm around you. And if you’re a girl, of course. For me and most guys, the “chick flick” is a means to an end, a way to strengthen a relationship that’s already gone way beyond the awkward early-date stages. If I want escapist entertainment, I’ll go with “Dexter’s Laboratory” reruns on Boomerang. And if I want unrealistic expectations of romance, I’ll find them in guy movies, where apparently shooting a guy in the face is an enormous turn-on for all girls in the area.
Wait, that’s stupid.
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