The Half-Moon Thong

Can't BELIEVE I'm making another post on sartorial decency...

Let me start by saying this: I LIKE women. I really do. I also like LOOKING at women. It makes me happy. Of course, since I'm a practicing Christian, I feel GUILTY about looking at women, but I still LIKE it.

That said... Ladies, please hitch up your pants.

I'm not really a "sagging" detractor. I don't buy into some of the more pervasive arguments from naysayers about sagging, but I also don't get why people feel the need to show off their particular brand of underoos. If you want to sag with your boxers, I guess you can go ahead. Thug life forever or whatnot.

However, I've seen how some women with their low-rise jeans deliberately make sure their skimpy thongs are visible above the waistline, and that's a practice I just can't get behind... partially because I'd have to look at their half-moon thong hanging out the back.


There's a REASON men who sag so much you can see their Great Posterior Crevice are often ridiculed - it's usually a sign that they're either too distracted to pay attention or too slovenly to think it matters. Same holds true with women. Personally, when I see a woman's thong riding up in the back, I tend to think of some of the women I've seen come through the mental health system - and those are usually people who are so stoned out of their minds that they can't remember how to work a belt.

That's not exactly the "sexy vibe" people are trying to give off, I think.

Again, maybe I'm overstepping my bounds here in demanding all women conform to MY definition of modest attire (and on the internet, too, where everyone has to do what I say). It's a sight that's bugged me a bit too much recently, though, so there you go. End verbal vomit.

Just remember: what would Richard Blackwell do?

A Modesty Proposal, or, Braddy's Being Sexist Again

I saw this picture make the rounds on Facebook the other day:


I get that it's a joke... but this poster REALLY ticked me off all the same.

I'll get this out of the way right now - I'm a male, the latest in a long line of oppressive white male so-and-sos, so I'm liable to get a few things wrong. I may even come across as (dare I say it?) SEXIST. Still, if ever there was a forum for sharing one's opinion, no matter how ill-informed, the internet is it.

Please take all the time you want to explain how wrong I am in the comments section below.

I take issue with the poster above, first of all, because it implies that the primary reason for women's modesty is to prevent male misbehavior. I hope we can all agree on how stupid that is - an adult male is fully capable of making his own responsible decisions, regardless of how the people around him dress. If he's not capable of that, he's a disgrace to his sex. It's POSSIBLE (and I know of no other way to emphasize the word "possible" in text than I have just now) that a woman subconsciously invites mistreatment by the way she dresses, but that doesn't make the man's behavior any less reprehensible or reduce his culpability in any way. Period.

I also resent the implication that modesty implies sexlessness... although that does seem to be the case in the picture above. I've seen PLENTY of apparel that is attractive, colorful, and modest, while it still emphasizes a woman's... um... femininity and... sexuality. Can I just say "curves"? Or is that weird?

Finally, I get the impression that this picture sets up a false dichotomy - clothing either expresses sexuality or represses it. To which I say, "Thpbpthpbh!" It's entirely possible that a woman who chooses to dress modestly has something in mind OTHER than hiding her curves...

...feels weird to say that...

There are a lot of things a person can express with their clothing - respect, professionalism, mourning, celebration, relaxation - that have nothing to do with sex. A person's sexuality is ONE contributing factor to their attire, but it's hardly the ONLY one.

Maybe I'm out of line here. I am, after all, a member of the reigning patriarchal religious order which endorses a standard of modesty among its members. As a Latter-day Saint, I frequently participate in the sacramental ordinance, which means I stand up and walk around the chapel to give the bread and water to the congregation. Now, I like to try to keep my thoughts clean ESPECIALLY when involved in a religious ritual, and when a woman is wearing a low-cut dress, and I'm standing over them... let's just say I wish I had Batman around to keep my mind on task.

Is there ANY subject I can't link to Batman somehow?

So, yeah, I appreciate modesty, even though I recognize that women who choose to dress modestly likely (hopefully) do so without feeling obligated to out of deference to my feelings. Even if I've overstepped some gender-role bounds, I hope y'all respect my opinion while I respect your right not to listen to a ^#$%in' word I say.

SEXISM WARNING: This post is SEXIST, and so is the SEXIST who wrote it

You have been warned.

A friend of mine recently got burned by a girl - an EVIL girl with fangs and ice and venom in her veins. Since I, myself, have recently also fallen victim to the devious machinations of one of these nefarious harpies, we decided to stage a protest against the laughably named "fairer sex" by egging the houses of all the women we knew and burning copies of O magazine.

Offended yet?

Okay, here's what really happened. My friend DID have a bit of a heartbreak recently: a girl he had been dating around with announced on Facebook that she is now in a relationship with someone else. That same day, one of my old exes announced her engagement.

(She's a sometimes-reader of this blog, so, if she reads this, I'd like to say, "Congratulations!")*

Anyway, since these romantic revelations came on the same day, we decided that we'd get together and have a "No Girls Allowed" night - which, for us, consisted of playing Dominion and watching the BBC's new Sherlock Holmes series.

To help allay some of the "wrenching heartache" we were feeling, we told some of our favorite sexist jokes, which usually ended with the words "in the kitchen." Then, as the night went on and we got progressively more loopy, we started making up our own jokes, which... didn't make much sense:

Q: "Why should women not be allowed near knives?"
A: "Because there are no knives in the kitchen."

Q: "Why do women always hang out in groups?"
A: "Because there is no 'I' in 'kitchen.'"

We're not very good at being sexist.

(As a side note: My friend's sister was actually in the room with us. So, if you're reading this, I'd just like to say how sorry I am that you had to see all this)

Anyway, so I checked out one of my all-time favorite webcomics on Monday, Kate Beaton's Hark! A Vagrant - strongly recommended to anyone with an interest in history and a tolerance for saucy language. Wouldn't you know it? Kate Beaton posted what is probably the best "Woman Joke" I've ever seen - and one which references "The Yellow Wallpaper" to boot:


Above: English major humor

From this little comic, I've learned how to make the best sexist jokes:

1 - Be a woman.

2 - Couch your sexist humor in an analysis of a literary critique of masculine dismissal of legitimate women's issues at the turn of the 20th century.

3 - Don't be sexist.

Lesson learned.

* If she doesn't read this, I'd like to say, "AUUGHABLAGHLGAAH! WHY MUST I BE ALOOOOONE?!?!?"