You WILL Howl in Fear and Delight

Saw a trailer the other day for the next big Robert Downey, Jr. vehicle: “Sherlock Holmes Dies Hard.” Yeah, yeah, I know that’s not what it’s called… but it might as WELL be! In three minutes, I got more than an eyeful of gratuitous fistfights, explosions, and (WORST of all) kissing. So yet again they’re taking and revamping some old property to make it new and sexy for the rising generation. And I don’t know why. I mean, isn’t watching Holmes play the violin after a relaxing afternoon in an opium den sexy enough?

You know what? I’m not going to fight this anymore. In fact, I want in on this. I’m gonna take some crazy old story and spice the HECK out of it until it becomes the best gee-dee thing you’ve ever seen. Here, I’ll describe the trailer for you, and then you just TELL me that you wouldn’t want to curl up with a tub of popcorn-flavored butter and watch the CRAP out of it:

Fade in to a luxurious green countryside dotted with sheep. We hear Hugh Jackman’s voice: “All I ever wanted was a life of peace.” Cut to a shot of Hugh Jackman. He leans on an axe handle and wipes his brow as the sun sets behind him.

Abrupt cut to black. Another Hugh Jackman voiceover: “Then the boy came… and everything… changed.”

Close up of a young boy’s face – specifically, his mouth. In a whisper just barely audible, he speaks but a single word: “Wolf.”

Heavy drumbeats. Fast and frantic music. We now see the face of a bearded Jeremy Irons, solemn in the light of a council fire. “We’ve heard tales of attacks in the forest,” he says in a voice filled with both authority and fear. “Animals gone missing,” he says, as the camera shows the shadowy outlines of bestial figures darting between forest trees at night. “Grown men frightened by noises in the night” – and here we cut to a series of shots of men sharpening swords, fashioning arrows, and donning thick leather armor.

“And now,” Jeremy Irons’s voice continues, as we move to a shot of armed men, obviously afraid, standing in a line at the edge of the town – willing, but afraid, to die in her defense, “the boy says they’ve come again.”

Cut to another nighttime scene. Hugh Jackman screams frantically, “Don’t listen to him!” as men swarm around him, past him, yelling into the darkness. “He’s a liar!”

Cut to Helena Bonham Carter, clutching the small boy to her. “He’s my son!” she sobs, as tears leave trails in the dirt on her face. Torchlight closes in around them, and we see the boy’s face: wide-eyed, probably terrified, but still with a hint of innocence.

The music grows in volume and intensity as we are bombarded with a flurry of shots: thatched roofs burning; Hugh Jackman clutching a bleeding body and screaming; blurry shapes attacking sheep in broad daylight; women and children fleeing in terror; Hugh Jackman and Jeremy Irons locking swords; heavily-armed soldiers marching in formation; Hugh Jackman sharing a passionate, desperate kiss with Helena Bonham Carter; and then…

Silence, except for a lingering, baleful howl. And here a shot of devilish yellow eyes.

Cut to armed men, marching through a foggy forest. We hear a voice say, “I don’t understand. Where is the wolf?”

Cut to Hugh Jackman, the leader of the patrol. He turns around, and we see in his face that he has come to a horrific confusion. His eyes widen, his face pales, and he says, “There is no wolf.”

And now we see the boy from earlier, sitting in darkness, with only a candle to light his face. His face, at first blank and expressionless, soon lifts in a haunting, sinister, EVIL smile.

The screen goes black one last time. Fog rolls across the screen as the title of the movie fades into view, in letters red with the blood of countless innocents:

The Boy Who Cried
WOLF

Who’s Afraid…?
Coming May 2010