Where Have All the Poets Gone?

With National Poetry Month looming large over the calendar, it seemed like an appropriate time to pick up a couple of my old favorite books. It's been a while since I've really dabbled in poetry - at least six months since I actually WROTE anything. Returning to the art felt... refreshing, in a way, and nearly spiritual.

When I look at the state of contemporary poetry in the United States, I tend to get a bit sad. From my perspective, the art form is suffering from a terminal illness - there just don't seem to be as many people involved in poetry anymore. My perception's definitely been influence by my (now lapsed) membership in the Utah State Poetry Society, where I was the only straight male under the age of 40. Poets - at least, those individuals that write short verse with a strong, sincere respect towards the power their language has - seem to be a dying breed.

The most popular peddlers of verse seem to be hack songwriters crowding up the radio, who seem to have forgotten how to REVERENCE something with language. For example, anyone who tuned in to this year's Superbowl halftime show almost definitely got an earful of Usher's "OMG," which includes this jaw-droppingly tasteless couplet:

"Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow
Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow"

Seriously, what happened to artistry? What happened to good taste? Heck, even the Elizabethans knew how to treat women with respect. I mean, here's a verse from one of my favorite old English poets, Edward Spenser:

"Her goodly bosome lyke a Strawberry bed,
her neck lyke to a bounch of Cullambynes;
her brest lyke lillyes, ere theyr leaves be shed,
her nipples lyke yong blossom'd Jessemynes..."

...

Umm... That was more... explicit... than I remember it being.

Sorry about that. It's been a while since I really dabbled in poetry this old. I forgot about the "blazon poem," which categorically analyzes and idealizes every single part of a woman's body. It was... pretty popular back then.

But back to Usher: the man has a serious problem with control. In another of his recent hits, "Love in this Club," Usher expresses to the woman of his attention (I almost said affection, but that didn't feel right) that he really wants to have sex with her RIGHT NOW, modesty be damned.

Romantic sentiment used to be more RESTRAINED. Contrast Usher's music with, say, another prominent English poet: Andrew Marvell. Here's one of Marvell's most famous pieces, "To His Coy Mistress":

"Let us roll all our strength and all
Our sweetness up into one ball,
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Through the iron gates of life:
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run."

Wait, that poem... is basically saying the exact same thing.

Okay folks, you heard it here first:


Usher Raymond is, in fact, the current Master of Poetry, building his songwriting empire on a foundation of centuries of poetic precedent.

Why I'm Still Single 29

Braddy Reads Wintergirls

I read this book over the weekend. Here's my knee-jerk emotional response:

"Ew.

Ew.

Ewewewewewewewewew!"

For the record, Laurie Halse Anderson is a BRILLIANT writer. Speak, probably her most famous book, often makes my list of "favorite books" simply for how effective I found it.

Same thing's true with Wintergirls: it's beautifully written and completely painful to read.

Our main character, Lia, is anorexic and a cutter - so, you know, we're not exactly looking at a Twilight fairy tail here. She's deep into her sickness by the time the book even opens. We don't get any explanation for why she starves herself (although it becomes pretty clear by the end), we just see how far she goes to keep herself thin and "perfect."

And that's probably where a lot of the disgust I felt from the book originates. In the past, I'd come across websites dedicated to "helping" anorexics stay strong in their quest for thinness, and I came away from those sites feeling a cold outrage at how SELFISH those people are - how blind they are to the damage they do to themselves and their families, how they refuse to concede that MAYBE a third party has a better view of who they are and what kind of danger they are in.

Yeah, I'd make an absolutely terrible therapist.

Luckily, Anderson approaches the subject with a great deal more sympathy than I think I'd be able to. We understand WHY Lia cuts and WHY she refuses food, even if we don't agree with what she does. At times, Anderson's fancy prose gets in the way of clarity, but not enough to ruin the experience of reading.

Wintergirls is a painful read, but that's not to say it's a bad one. The reader comes away with an awareness of just how intense an illness anorexia can be and how profoundly tragic it is when the anorexic refuses help.

From Beneath the Shadows of the Everlasting Hills...

...there comes a new album from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.


Here's an exclusive preview of the track list:

1. Ozzy Osbourne, "Crazy Train"
2. Metallica, "One"
3. Nine Inch Nails, "The Hand that Feeds"
4. Motorhead, "Ace of Spades"
5. AC/DC, "Thunderstruck"
6. System of a Down, "Toxicity"
7. Judas Priest, "Breaking the Law"
8. Led Zeppelin, "Immigrant Song"
9. Avenged Sevenfold, "Bat Country"
10. Pantera, "Walk"
11. Drowning Pool, "Bodies"
12. Rush, "Tom Sawyer"
13. Iron Maiden, "Number of the Beast"
14. Dio, "Rainbow in the Dark"

Am I the only one that would buy this?

All the Single Ladies

Now put your hands up!

Here's a post I never planned on writing...

My schedule doesn't allow me to blog NEARLY as much as I used to, but I've embarked on a rather lengthy conversation with a good friend who is a little distraught that she received some rather harsh criticism after voicing her opinion on what she wants from a man. I just had to share some of my thoughts.

My friend's friend (THAT'S an appellation that'll never get cumbersome) thinks that women limit themselves if they refuse to ever ask out a guy on the first date. Men, he says, only ask women out if they are physically attractive. A woman who expects a man to treat her like a princess has her head in the clouds of a Disney cartoon, because NO MAN is that perfect.

Now, I'm a guy who doesn't like dating... at all. I find it awkward, uncomfortable, and... I think I've even used the word "unnatural" to describe it. Truthfully (and here's a frank confession for you), I refrain from dating usually because I have issues with my own self esteem. I don't want to get into that now - and I'm doing much better anyway, thankyouverymuch.

Do men only ask out women they find physically attractive? Probably, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Physical attraction is NOT lust, although I think we tend to confuse the two. Lust is carnal, based solely on a sexual view of the body, while attraction can be built by several other observations: a kind face or attitude, a happy demeanor, or a confident stride can ALL come across as "physically" attractive and bring in the type of man that'll treat a girl right.

Often, men (myself included) won't ask women out because we don't feel like we're good enough for them, and we secretly hope that the lofty object of our desires will make the first move so we don't have to. That, to me, indicates a problem with the man's self-perception, a problem which, if not corrected, will prevent either the man or the woman from finding happiness in any relationship.

I believe there is a reason behind the current concept of "chivalry" as a dating practice. Maybe it DOES feel a bit outdated (and, perhaps, a bit sexist), but still it seems to be effective. A good friend of mine has pointed out that there are certain unalterable principles to dating that, if you follow them, you are rewarded with love. One of those principles sadly (for me) appears to be letting the man take the lead in the relationship. It sucks, it's difficult, but that single factor forces a man to change his attitude towards women in general (and one lucky woman in particular).

That's the difference between a relationship and a hook-up, if you ask me. The latter is just a way to let off steam. A true relationship, though, will force both partners to be better. It works to a woman's advantage to demand a man treat her right.

I have (yet another cryptically referenced) friend who constantly got involved in relationships with guys who are BAD for her. Like, actively destructive to her spirit and self-esteem. She refuses to let go of these relationships, though, because she thinks - is CONVINCED - that it is better for her to be in an unhappy, potentially-abusive relationship than it is to be alone.

So, I guess my message is this: All you single ladies who say that you'd rather be happy alone than unhappy with a man who doesn't treat you with quite the respect you deserve have my unwavering support in that decision.

Just don't expect me to ask you out, cuz "Gosh you're way-too-good for me!"

Braddy Reads Winesburg, Ohio

Back in my college days, I took a class on the American Short Story, in which we read three excerpts from Sherwood Anderson's Winesburg, Ohio. The stories made quite an impression on me, so I procured myself a copy... and didn't read it until just now.

Five years later.

Go me.

Anyway, I'm glad I went back to it. Winesburg, Ohio is one of the most rewarding books I've read this year, and it's one I imagine I'll come back to again.

Structurally, Winesburg, Ohio reminds me a lot of another American classic: Steinbeck's Pastures of Heaven. The book collects a series of stories that aren't STRICTLY connected but that take place in the same area and feature one or two recurring characters.

In Anderson's book, the main recurring character is a young man named George Willard, a bright young reporter just reaching the age of manhood. George features in nearly every story, so he's as close as the book gets to a main character. George struggles with understanding his own identity and what it means to bee a man (you could capitalize that "M," probably).

If I had to select a single, prominent theme that runs through all stories, based on my quick read of the text, I think "maturation" would probably be it. Admittedly, it's not a PERFECT fit with all the stories, but it seems to be the prominent issue: what exactly distinguishes a Man or Woman from a child? And, once you've crossed that point, what do you do about it?

That idea - about entering the world and being an "adult" - resonates pretty strongly with me, who still considers himself to be something of a child at the ripe old age of 27 or so. Like most great literature, Winesburg, Ohio doesn't answer the hard questions, but it makes you ask them.

(By the way, it appears that the whole book is available to read online. If nothing else, I recommend the story "Paper Pills," which has nothing to do with the maturity theme, but it's the story that got me interested enough to buy the whole book.)

Happy St. "Leave Me the Crap Alone!" Day!

Seriously, just don't do it. I don't even care WHAT I'm wearing.

Top Five Ice Cream Flavors

Y'know, there are times when I look at everything I've got on my plate and wonder how I have the energy to get it all done. Then I realize it's all thanks to a fluffy frozen mixture of vanilla extract and butterfat.

Yeah, I love ice cream. A lot. Too much, probably. I'm not FAT by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have a tiny shelf just above my navel where I can rest a cup of Ben and Jerry's ice cream... which, of course, builds that little shelf right up. It's a vicious cycle.

Anyway, here are my five favorite flavors of frozen dairy goodness:


5 - Karamel Sutra

There's a surprising lack of chocolate on my list of favorite ice creams (well, the short list, at any rate). And it's not the chocolate in this particular blend that appeals to my baser instincts. No, it's the big fat ribbon of pure caramel running right down the middle. I wouldn't necessarily call it "sexy"... but MAN is it good!


4 - Pistachio Pistachio

I could easily just make a list of my five favorite Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavors... which I may actually do some day. I'm actually trying NOT to feature one brand too prominently, so this'll be the last B&J appearance on this list.

Surprisingly, some ice cream flavors I like because they're gentler and milder. Such is the case with Pistachio Pistachio. The ice cream actually has a few too many nuts for my taste, but it's cool and refreshing in a way other overly-sugary treats can't match.


3 - Overload! Fried Ice Cream

Real fried ice cream is a treat - and not nearly as disgusting as it sounds. You take a scoop of ice cream, cover it in batter and corn flakes, and fry it for, like, thirty seconds if that. Cover it in caramel and cinnamon and you're done.

Bryer's tries to recreate the experience with their Overload! line, and, while it's not a PERFECT match, it's a heckuvalot more convenient. I'll admit to being a little weirded out by corn flakes in ice cream at the very first, but it works well for me.


2 - Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream

There was a time, back when I was young, naive, and, by most accounts, stupid, when I would not eat cheesecake. I hated it. I thought it was gross in that irrational way that children KNOW they'll hate a food before they try it.

Even then, I loved cheesecake-flavored ice cream.

Now, here's another flavor where I prefer less over more. A lot of cheesecake ice creams have bits of pie crust or graham cracker ribbons in them, and, to me, that's just too much. I prefer to keep it simple - sweet ice cream with chunks of delicious strawberries.


1 - Caramel Praline Crunch

As you can tell, I loves me some caramel.

Maybe it's cheating, but I'm sneaking in a frozen yogurt flavor in the top spot. I absolutely love this particular flavor (Dryer's or Edy's or whatever it's called). It's soft, creamy, and sweet with just the right amount of crunch in the pralines. Add a caramel ribbon and I'm there!

For more ice cream fun, you might want to check out On Second Scoop, a website I stumbled across while looking for ice cream pictures.

Brawls, Brides, Bloodshed, and... Teddy Bears?

MORE SKETCHES!!!

There's... not much of a story behind this one. Somebody at improv used the phrase "Fedora Fight" and I just got... inspired... or something.


I'm sure weddings are wonderful for the people getting married. For the rest of us... well, I know some people enjoy them. Me? Not so much.

The last reception I went to featured the above scene. For just a split second as the bride greeted all her guests, I swear I saw the groom roll his eyes and completely zone out. Which, to me, seems the more authentic wedding day experience.

I mean, seriously, after the wedding ceremony itself is over, does anyone REALLY want to hang out with the bride and groom THAT much?


Again, not much of a reason WHY I drew this picture... but there's a bit of a story that goes with it.

I was actually at a church activity when I started working on this scene, talking to some friends, when the conversation turned, as it does, back to dating. As soon as the conversation reached that point, I immediately buried my face back in my sketchbook and said, "No dating for me. I'ma just draw two guys stabbing each other."

I'm sure Freud would have a field day with that.


When given a blank page and two hours to draw on a Sunday afternoon, I couldn't think of anything better than a boy frolicking through the woods with a plastic bowl on his head and a giant, stuffed bear at his side.

And you say I'm not a gangster.

Believe it or not, this sketch actually ties in to my NaNoWriMo project from 2010. The boy's name is Mattie Burke. The bear... is unnamed as of yet, but I was thinking of calling him Ted D. Bear, because I'm tired and ice-cream deprived.

Things I'll Love Forever: The Fantastic Mr. Fox

I caught a showing of Rango this past weekend (short review: great trippy visuals and a so-so story), and left with a strange and seemingly untraceable desire to rewatch one of my favorite movies of 2009 - Wes Anderson's The Fantastic Mr. Fox. And, boy, am I glad I did.

1 - The Fantastic Mr. Fox is rendered completely in stop-motion animation with well-detailed puppets. Thus the film looks like a product of the seventies - much like the different movies I watched as a grade-school student in an underfunded educational system. Oddly enough, the rather archaic animation created a picture that, to me, was more emotionally moving and relatable than a certain high-profile CGI picture that came out around the same time.

2 - The voice cast in The Fantastic Mr. Fox is outstanding to a man. In any other production, George Clooney would have stolen the show as the titular charismatic con-man. However, he has to keep up with stellar work from Meryl Streep, Bill Murray, Jason Schwartzman, and even Albus Dumbledore.

3 - The relationship between Mr. and Mrs. Fox is surprisingly emotional for a stop-motion feature based on a children's book. Mrs. Fox looks her husband in the eye and tells him, "I love you, but I shouldn't have married you." That's complex stuff for what's ostensibly a kid's movie.

4 - The music, though simple, is pretty memorable. After watching the movie, I find myself singing "Boggis, Bunce, and Bean" in my head for a few days after.

And don't worry, Petey. I don't think you wrote a bad song.

5 - If nothing else, the quirky dialog carries the movie to a level higher than, say, that one animated blockbuster of 2009. Small touches (like replacing all profanity with the word "cuss") add a mild flavor to the text, while overtly bizarre lines ("I weigh less than a slice of bread") keep my giggling for days.

For the most part, I like my movies on the eccentric side, and The Fantastic Mr. Fox is exactly my kind of peculiar, which is why I'll love it forever.

Also, it's a MUCH better movie than Avatar.

Famous Last (Dating) Words

Last night I went on a date - first one in about five months. I spent the afternoon cleaning out my car in preparation for the big night. Then, when six-thirty rolled around, I drove up to my date's apartment and picked her up. We walked out to the car, I turned the key in the ignition... and the battery died.

Five minutes into the date, and we've already had the most spectacularly explosive display of impotence I think I've ever experienced.

So, yeah, to commemorate my less-than-impressive return to the world of dating, I bring you a list of some of the worst dates I've ever been on, summed up in ironic doorstep farewells:

• "That was fun tonight, but wasn't the other couple a bit too old and married to be at a high school dance?"
• "I had a good time tonight. Sorry about the other couple sobbing in the backseat. What a way to spend Prom, though."
• "It's been good talking to myself tonight. All night."
• "Thanks for coming out with me tonight. Good thing nobody drove off with my car when I left the keys in the ignition, huh?"
• "Well, it was nice to meet you. Also nice to meet your baby-daddy."

And now our latest entry:

• "Instead of a good-night hug, can I just get a jump so I can get home?"

*ADD: I should clarify that last night wasn't a BAD date... but I'm never going out with that girl (ie: my car) again.

Family Time!

Based on True Events

Larissa (who, by the way, explains it all) pointed out that my last post is based on a true story. Which, by the way, is true.

What she didn't tell you, though...


I'm THAT guy.

And They Would Have Been So Cute Together...

Terrible, Horrible, No Good

Yeah, we all feel this way sometimes, Alex.

I went to bed last night in a terrible mood. I don't really want to get into that today - I find random angsty ranting on the internet to be undignified (although my standards for what is "dignified" are a little different than most people's). Then, first thing this morning, I get into a fifteen-minute argument with an 80-year-old woman with dementia. Classy.

So, yeah, today hasn't been great so far. On the plus side, I have a lot to look forward to this evening, primarily a chance to actually GO HOME before driving out to Magna, giving me a chance to EAT SOMETHING today.

This may sound weird, but when I get really depressed, one of my favorite things to do is pour myself a bowl of cold cereal and read newspaper comics (when I don't have the newspaper, I make do with one of these). I guess it's a way of reminding myself of the security and happiness of childhood or whatever.

Now I'm just curious: What do you all do on YOUR crappy days?

Wish I Said It First #13

#13

Lucy: Schroeder, do you think love is the answer to everything?

Schroeder: Boy, I hope not!

From Charles Schulz's Peanuts, 2/21/1976.

Narrative Hygiene?

Have you ever had that dream where you're just getting ready to wrap up a semester, and then you realize you haven't been to math class since the semester BEGAN, so you KNOW you're going to fail? That's a favorite of mine.

(By the way, I haven't taken a math class of any kind since 2002, so these dreams REALLY scare me)

Last night's school dream, though, is about the best I've ever had. In addition to the usual insane math class, I had apparently enrolled in a class called "Hygiene of a Narrative - A Study of Peter Pan."

I WISH I could go back to school and take this class. It would be totally INSANE in the best way possible. I mean, what self-respecting, aspiring writer WOULDN'T want to learn about how to use the art of grooming to improve his stories?

And the fact that I'd be learning about narrative hygiene from THIS GUY:


Well, that's just sweet-tasting gravy, isn't it?