Here's a post I never planned on writing...
My schedule doesn't allow me to blog NEARLY as much as I used to, but I've embarked on a rather lengthy conversation with a good friend who is a little distraught that she received some rather harsh criticism after voicing her opinion on what she wants from a man. I just had to share some of my thoughts.
My friend's friend (THAT'S an appellation that'll never get cumbersome) thinks that women limit themselves if they refuse to ever ask out a guy on the first date. Men, he says, only ask women out if they are physically attractive. A woman who expects a man to treat her like a princess has her head in the clouds of a Disney cartoon, because NO MAN is that perfect.
Now, I'm a guy who doesn't like dating... at all. I find it awkward, uncomfortable, and... I think I've even used the word "unnatural" to describe it. Truthfully (and here's a frank confession for you), I refrain from dating usually because I have issues with my own self esteem. I don't want to get into that now - and I'm doing much better anyway, thankyouverymuch.
Do men only ask out women they find physically attractive? Probably, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Physical attraction is NOT lust, although I think we tend to confuse the two. Lust is carnal, based solely on a sexual view of the body, while attraction can be built by several other observations: a kind face or attitude, a happy demeanor, or a confident stride can ALL come across as "physically" attractive and bring in the type of man that'll treat a girl right.
Often, men (myself included) won't ask women out because we don't feel like we're good enough for them, and we secretly hope that the lofty object of our desires will make the first move so we don't have to. That, to me, indicates a problem with the man's self-perception, a problem which, if not corrected, will prevent either the man or the woman from finding happiness in any relationship.
I believe there is a reason behind the current concept of "chivalry" as a dating practice. Maybe it DOES feel a bit outdated (and, perhaps, a bit sexist), but still it seems to be effective. A good friend of mine has pointed out that there are certain unalterable principles to dating that, if you follow them, you are rewarded with love. One of those principles sadly (for me) appears to be letting the man take the lead in the relationship. It sucks, it's difficult, but that single factor forces a man to change his attitude towards women in general (and one lucky woman in particular).
That's the difference between a relationship and a hook-up, if you ask me. The latter is just a way to let off steam. A true relationship, though, will force both partners to be better. It works to a woman's advantage to demand a man treat her right.
I have (yet another cryptically referenced) friend who constantly got involved in relationships with guys who are BAD for her. Like, actively destructive to her spirit and self-esteem. She refuses to let go of these relationships, though, because she thinks - is CONVINCED - that it is better for her to be in an unhappy, potentially-abusive relationship than it is to be alone.
So, I guess my message is this: All you single ladies who say that you'd rather be happy alone than unhappy with a man who doesn't treat you with quite the respect you deserve have my unwavering support in that decision.
Just don't expect me to ask you out, cuz "Gosh you're way-too-good for me!"
4 comments:
This opens a whole can of worms in my head. I'm going to bit my tongue and forget I even read this. :)
I LOVE this post :) I think this is one of the better, well-written posts from a man's perspective in quite some time. I agree with you on all counts. In addition to the benefits of a relationship vs. a hook-up, the benefit to men is that they receive the respect and companionship of someone who complements them. I am so glad I worked to gain enough confidence and appreciation in myself to be able to let someone else into my life. Someone who treats me with respect and helps me smooth out my rough spots, as much as I help him be a better person. It's worth it to understand and appreciate our God-given gender roles while respecting our own wants and desires. Well said, SR Braddy.
"It works to a woman's advantage to demand a man treat her right" - I like that :) I think self-esteem goes to the heart of all dating frustrations. Truly. Women stick with men that treat them badly because they don't realize they are worthy of being treated right - and not in a "I'm a demanding snotty Princess" sort of way, but in a "I'm a daughter of God" sort of way. I think if we all valued ourselves as much as God valued us - then I bet we'd all date a little bit more. That goes for YOU too sir ;) Just as mean are attracted to those "physical" characteristics of a women who values herself - so women are attracted to men who value themselves. There's a distinction between confidence and arrogaunce... self-loathing and humility. Find those things about yourself you like and remind yourself everyday that just as every good woman deserves a good man, every good man deservse a good woman. ;)
Dear Stephen,
I am an avid fan of your blog (though this is the first time I've commented). I think you are awesome and hilarious on so many different levels. I don't know if we've ever formally been introduced (probably not because I've only been in one show at the empress that you were not in) but we have a fair number of mutual friends. I also think that you're one good lookin' guy. In fact, one of those mutual friends (a former jester) noticed my quiet appreciation a few times and tried to get me to speak my mind, but having never actually spoken to you face to face I thought that would be really creepy and weird. So in complete stalker like fashion, here is an anonymous comment thanking you for a wondrful blog post and hopefully encouraging you to remember that you are an amazing guy and there's definitely a girl or two out here who would fight for your attention.
yours truly,
Mystery Girl.
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