Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Braddy's Super Spoiler-Filled Iron Man 3 Blog Post

Sometimes it pays to have connections. I've got a buddy who's a film critic, and every now and again he's able to bring a friend to a pre-screening of an upcoming movie. And THAT'S how I go to see Iron Man 3 before it came out. Don't believe me? Look, I got a poster:


Fun fact: This poster is backwards.

Iron Man 3 gave me a TON to talk about, so y'all better hold on to your dairy products, because HERE. COME. THE SPOILERS!!!
  • Once upon a time, I predicted that there was no way Iron Man 3 could be any good, because they'd already used up all the good AC/DC songs. Well, the movie was still fantastic, but they really DID run into a bit of a musical problem, when "Big Balls" plays over the opening fight sequence.
  • Are we really going to get a Mickey Mouse cameo in all of the Marvel movies now? The Stan Lee stuff was silly enough.
  • Tony Stark keeps Agent Coulson's brain in a jar, and he spends almost the whole movie trying to find a way to put the brain inside one of his Iron Man suits.
  • Remember when "shawarma" was the big scene after the credits in The Avengers? Well, that wasn't as random as it looked... Turns out the Mandarin's entire motivation can be traced back to that scene. If you watch the scene again, you can actually see Ben Kingsley stick his head out from the kitchen in the restaurant. I can't believe we all missed it the first time around.
  • SOMEONE had to die in the third Iron Man movie. I expected it to be Jon Favreau's character, or, heck, even Don Cheadle. I got REALLY ticked when it looked like they were going to kill Pepper, but then Stark steps up, takes the bullet, and... dies?
  • Of course, Pepper holding her stomach at the funeral kinda gave me the impression that she was pregnant, and with all the genetic engineering stuff that goes on in the movie, I think it's entirely possible that we'll wind up with some kind of Teen Iron Man in future movies. Hey, it happened in the comics.

Project 13: The World Turns in Anger

The world, much like love, is an accident. Before there were cities, and before there were stars, there were two brothers. Perhaps there were more - perhaps there are unnamed mothers, fathers, and sisters that our collective imagination no longer remember. When I turn my eyes backwards through history, though, I can see clearly only two: Apollyn and Nochran. Theirs was an empty world - no skies or seas to distinguish from the pervasive, oppressive void.

Although: it seems that, for a time, the void was sufficient. The brothers were not ambitious, nor were they difficult to please. They spent no time in idle conversation with each other; if they had a language at this point - though I can not say for certain that they did, but if they had - there was nothing for that language to describe. Besides, the brothers' status did not change from day to day, and so they were content to merely exist as they always had.

There is no way of knowing now (and, given the tragedy that is about to ensue, it may be impossible to ever determine) whether it was Nochran or Apollyn who first decided to shape to formless detritus about him into a sphere and set it spinning through the void. The brother - and whether he acted from idle curiosity or genuine scientific interest is also never likely to be understood - gathered matter about his fingertips and, with both hands, compressed the matter until it heated and fused together in his palms. He released the mass he had created and watched it drift off, slowly, into the void, where it soon cooled and vanished from sight

The other brother - Apollyn or Nochran - saw his brother's actions and strove immediately to do likewise. Matter was found, shaped, and let loose to float in the ether, until the entirety of empty space about them was filled with the cold, lifeless flotsam of their lackadaisical creations.

With space so quickly crowded, the brothers could not help but bump into the products of their labors. And it is not inconceivable - indeed, it's very nearly likely - that one of the brothers would happen to, during a snooze, accidentally inhale one of the errant specks. And then, via a cough or a sneeze, the brother would shoot that speck back out and marvel at the change that had been wrought. For, you see, the brother's breath had a peculiar effect on these bizarre spheres. They somehow held on to the air that had wrapped around them, as well as the bits of spittle and phlegm from the giant's throats. They developed atmospheres, and soon thereafter mossy life appeared on the surface of these accidental planetoids.

Now the brothers had a reason to engage. Both Nochran and Apollyn began to experiment with the formerly lifeless and uninteresting crumbs they had created. What if, thought one brother, I compressed this matter with my armpit rather than my palms? And what if, thought the other, I warm this bit in my mouth before pressing it all together? For countless ages the brothers experimented, combining the formerly meaningless chunks of matter with their own bodily functions to create new and exciting planetoids.

And, dare I say it, something akin to people started to appear on the surface of these spheres.

Any artist will tell you that with creation comes jealousy, and so it was with the brother Apollyn. He saw a bit of his brother's creation, and he coveted. So he took the sphere without his brother's consent and added a touch of his own - a drip of saliva for an ocean, or an eyelash for shrubbery. Just a minor change, surely, but one of great significance to the original creator, who felt his masterpiece had been unjustly altered, even vandalized.

Was that the start of the feud? Or was it something even smaller, such as brother Nochran losing track of his surroundings, only for one of the celestial knick-knacks composed by brother Apollyn to collide carelessly with his head. Oh, the pain! Having lived so long in an empty void, brother Nochran had never experienced a sensation quite like pain, and he did not relish the experience. And so it was that he turned, in a fury, to confront his brother.

And the conflict began, and it soon turned physical - perhaps because language had still not been invented to allow the brothers to talk out their complaints, or perhaps because the brothers then were much like brothers now, who speak more fluently with slaps and kicks than with any composition of the tongue. Perhaps, to give the brothers some credit, they began with only those smallest, most misshapen barren planets. Maybe they possessed some innate, instinctual sense of the sanctity of the life they had created. Perhaps they did so, but even if they did their conflict soon escalated until every speck of dust the brothers had created was turned into the ammunition of revenge.

Truly, if any man living today had seen the calamity that had befallen the world of creation so early on, that man (or woman - let's not be discriminatory) would be brought to the most painful of sobs, even if it were a creature of singleminded malevolence towards his fellows, for who could watch without emotion the complete eradication of all life by beings no more cognizant of its existence than you or I are of the insect we so inconsiderately swallow during our nightly slumbers?

Now, the brothers' feud had an additional consequence, one neither party could anticipate. The rage with which they fought, the petty anger, caused many of the small fragments of their once glorious creations to ignite. They burned and spun out into the beyond, creating light where there had been none. At length, the brothers could see the extent of the damage they had done, and they lamented it.

No, that can't be true. There was no sorrow, nor even introspection, as with the cessation of their brawl the brothers each scooped armfuls of their raw working material and separated to different sides of space, each pursuing from that point on their own projects without interference or input from the other.

Now, their feud wasn't entirely fruitless, for it allowed them to experiment with a new material - fire, the likes of which neither brother had before beheld. And so it was that life was created anew, with light to guide and warm by day and dark to cool and lull into repose. Thus also was the warm center of the earth created, which radiates with a heat capable of nurturing a variety of creatures and plants neither brother could have dreamed of before the brawl.

And do those sparks of heat still contain the anger of the brothers' fight? Is there some residual flicker of rage smouldering at the center of the planet? Does that heat emanate outward, filling in the hearts of the men and beasts that walk on that planet's surface? And is the brothers' war continued today? Well you ask, my friend, but who can find the answer to such questions?

Perhaps a better question would be this: What great coldness, what unendurable inhospitality would remain we're those fires extinguished?


A couple of weeks ago, I got the idea to write a creation myth. At the time, it seemed like that would be a fun prompt. When I decided to make that prompt my starting place for this week, I just wasn't feeling it. The story would not come together.

Hover, that changed when I switched up the narrative voice. I've been reading a lot of Salman Rushdie lately (specifically Midnight's Children, with its unabashedly unreliable narrator), and I found that voice was a lot of fun to write.

The picture isn't much to write home about. I started working it in color, and then I realized it was just taking me too long, and I really wasn't into how it was turning out. So I slapped this one together and called it a day. I'll put more effort into the next pic. Promise.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Daffy Laffy Taffy Time


Ah, Laffy Taffy. As far as candy goes, it's pretty okay. But the REAL draw of Laffy Taffy is the joke on the wrapper, right? I mean, who could POSSIBLY resist the riotous pun-laden humor of the Laffy Taffy Joked Submission Brigade.

Okay, I imagine that a LOT of people find Laffy Taffy jokes unfunny. Those people are DOING IT WRONG! Yes, there is a right way to read Laffy Taffy wrappers, and it'll increase your enjoyment of both the candy and the comedy a hundredfold.

The Braddy Laffy Taffy technique is simple, but it must be executed precisely - you must read the punch line for the OPPOSITE joke. Allow me to demonstrate with the wrapper I have before me:
Rebekah P. asks: Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Answer: They both have sandy claws.
Get it? SANDY CLAWS!

You don't get it? Well, let's look at the other pair:
Thomas B. asks: What does Christmas have to do with a cat in the desert?
Answer: Hot. Everyone can catch a cold.
See? It really IS better!

...

You still don't agree, hmm? Maybe I'm the only one who finds surreality so engaging.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Things I'll Love Forever: Superman


I've always been one to miss a bandwagon. Yesterday was apparently the 75th anniversary of the publication of Action Comics #1, and thus it was also the birthday of Superman. As I've gotten older, I've gotten more and more disillusioned with superheroes as a medium - mainly because the characters who filled the stories I loved as a child now exist in forms I'd never want my own children to witness. Now, sometimes the more mature takes on superhero storytelling are indisputably awesome, but I still find myself longing for the clean, four-color adventures I grew up with, when heroes were heroes and villains wore impractical costumes and wanted to "take over the world." And, in recent months, Superman has come to embody that quiet optimism for me.
  • The classic Superman look - blue tights with red cape and shorts - is undeniably goofy, but somehow endearing at the same time. In real life, someone dressed in a Superman costume looks silly. Period. In a comic book, though, in that brilliant four-color world, the Superman costume looks downright inspiring.
  • I have to admit that Superman's concept is a little silly, but sometimes silly is good. A confluence of silly things can come together to make an outrageous yet profoundly meaningful story. Sure, Superman's secret identity is a little hard to swallow (glasses?), and his powers are all over the place (he has the ability to shoot a midget version of himself out of his hands. Seriously), but those silly ideas simply build up a world where anything can happen, and when it does happen, it turns out for the best. You can't beat that kind of optimism.
  • There's a beautiful metaphor at the heart of Superman's character. He's an alien, an outsider... yet he chooses to be a part of society. He has the power to be whatever he wants... and he chooses to be a hero. Tell me that's not what every parent wants for their struggling teen.
  • I've heard a lot of people complain that Superman is "too powerful" to be relatable. With all due respect to those people, who are of course entitled to their own opinions, their the wrongest wronglings to ever be wrong about anything. In a Superman story (well, a good one, at any rate), the conflict of the story isn't settled through violent confrontation, except maybe as metaphor. The stakes are never life and death - they're deeper. Superman, a literal embodiment of selflessness and heroism, battles against Lex Luthor, who represents greed, vanity, and all the worst aspects of human nature. And Superman wins every time. That's some &@$%in' good stuff, mate!

Okay, I've rambled a bit, but I still don't think I've made my point. Let me close with the words of Grant Morrison, writer of All-Star Superman (with art by the inimitable Frank Quitely, whose pictures I've used here). Morrison probably expressed in a couple dozen words the sentiment I've failed to capture in however many paragraphs:
"Somewhere, in our darkest night, we made up the story of a man who will never let us down."
And THAT'S why I'll love him forever.

BONUS: I stumbled across this video a few days ago. Check it out: Superman from the days of Merry Melodies. It's an animation classic and quite possibly my favorite Superman story I've seen in a long time.


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Cooking with Braddy: Swiss Steak Casserole


I REALLY need to read these recipes more closely before I commit to making them...

Okay, so I did the whole shopping thing on Saturday, thinking that, after a busy day of meetings and church and whatnot on Sunday, I might like to spend a nice, relaxing evening at home cooking. So I pull out this new cookbook my aunt gave me for my birthday and decide I'd give it a shot. I mean, I don't actually have a casserole dish, but I've got a glass baking pan, so I think I can handle it, right?

Well, sort of. See, first of all, I always assume that, because I only cook for one most of the time, everyone ELSE only cooks for one as well. That, of course, is just silly talk. Turns out, the food in the picture above is intended to make casserole enough for EIGHT WHOLE PEOPLE!!! Now, I can eat a lot, but unless I'm secretly pregnant with septuplets, eating the whole thing would be a bit excessive.

Then there's the cooking time - an hour and a half to cook the meat by itself, and then another hour and a half to cook the veg. Good thing I'm a patient man, otherwise... okay, I'm actually not that patient. Did get through quite a few episodes of my stories, though.

Now, there was one ingredient I couldn't quite figure out from the book, so I had to wing it a bit. The directions called for "chile sauce," which, for the life of me, I couldn't find. Eventually, I think I figured out what they were asking for, but by that point I'd already returned from shopping. So, instead of the chile sauce, I decided to go with a small can of ranchera salsa (there are chiles in salsa, right?). I'm not sure it was the flavor the recipe writer was going for, but it WAS delicious.


Plus, I now have leftovers for, like, a week.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Project 12: Dear Fitness Santa

Dear Fitness Santa,

Happy Fitness Eve!  With the magical day soon approaching, when you ride your magic treadmill through the sky and bring everyone the gift of swimsuit season, I thought I would remind you that I've been extra good this year.  I know you can see everything in your combination crystal ball, pedometer, and heart meter, but you're a busy man (after all, those benches won't press themselves), and you probably didn't have the time to write down all the ways I've qualified for the "Fit" list.  To help you out, I made a list of all the good things I've done this year:
  • I gave up eating unnecessary sweets.  A former cookie addict yourself should appreciate the significance of that sacrifice.
  • I eat more vegetables.  I've put everything green I could find into a smoothie and slurped it down.  I could probably photosynthesize my own food by now.
  • I get plenty of sleep every night.  I go to bed promptly at 9:30, even when my friends are all running around outside wearing togas and party hats.
  • I rise early every day to exercise, interrupting many a delightful dream about Scarlett Johansson defending my honor with a lightsaber.
  • I jog regularly to improve my cardiovascular health, even after my lungs crawled up through my throat and punched out my teeth from the inside for getting in the way of the all the air I sucked in.
  • I've been getting up by pushing pulling, and sitting.
  • I'm taking the stairs, taking my vitamins, and - on occasion, I admit - taking the name of The Lord in vain.  But I imagine that last point is probably more a consideration for the "other" Santa.
You have a lot of children to take care of this Fitness Eve, but I hope you will remember me during your Midnight Marathon around the world.  I don't ask for much, but since I've been so especially diligent in keeping the rules, I know you'll be generous.

Father Fitness, all I want for Fitness Eve is a body to impress the babes with.

Love, Me



This almost wasn't one of my projects. I just remember feeling really resentful one day while jogging, so I thought I'd write a snarky letter I could just post on my blog. Then I realized, if I made this a "project," not only would I be able to catch up a little quicker, but I'd get to draw Santa Clause exercising. And, really, that's all I ever wanted for Fitness Eve.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Classically Minded




It seems I get angry a lot these days. Like, all the time. Frankly, I'm not sure why - it's been going on for a couple of weeks. One day I decided to try to combat some of the anger by listening to soothing music while I drive (instead of my usual audio diet of Death to the Harlots and Busta Capps, my go-to bands). So I rearranged my radio presets, and now I spend a lot of my commutes listening to "Classical 89." In so doing, I've learned a lot - mainly, that classical music doesn't make driving any less rage-inducing. But there have been other things, too.
  • It's a lot easier to identify songs you like on classical music radio stations than on pop music stations. If I like a song on a pop station and try to look it up on the website later, I'm going to have a hard time picking out which of the songs I heard on the morning commute was the one that tickled my fancy-strings. Classical music, though, tends to play selections 15 to 20 minutes long - making whatever song I liked the only one I heard during the commute.
  • I don't like horns. Never thought that'd be something I'd have an opinion on, but now it is. I've heard a few arrangements for horns only, and I just did not care for them at all.
  • The 1812 Overture isn't just a popular melody played in the background of violent children's cartoons. It's actually a GENUINELY GOOD piece of music.
  • Modest Mussorgsky (of Night on Bald Mountain fame) wrote another piece called Dance of the Persian Slaves, a piece which proves that, despite popular convention, Akon didn't invent the objectification of women in music.
  • Classical music DJs are NOT VERY GOOD at their jobs. I've never heard so much stammering, stuttering, and otherwise botched lines from people whose job is to read stuff off paper.
  • Is it just me, or can you actually hear the violinists breathe on classical recordings? Also, I bet that one guy who clapped before the piece ended bought the CD just so he could hear himself.
  • I've found classical music to be really reliable - far more so than most other radio stations I listen to. I tend to surf music stations a lot - flipping from commercial to bad song to annoying morning show host back to commercial. With classical music, though, I can leave the radio on the station and enjoy most everything I hear on it.
You win, high school choir teacher. You win, my dad. Classical music is awesome.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Project 11: Red Lady Caine

Warning: This is a long one.

"It's a foul moon tonight," the slaver said, rubbing his hands together. "Wouldn't it be more prudent to wait until the morning? I assure you, the stock will be in much better shape then."

Under her massive scarf, the woman shook her head. She had said little since she had enlisted the slaver's help, speaking primarily in only clipped commands. The slaver sighed and walked on, his foot slipping in the shifting sand. Ahead of them, the tents of the slave caravan stood lack against a murky sky. Their large bonfire, now extinguished, still smoked, sending spiraling plumes of filthy smoke that dyed the moon sickly yellow.

"Do you know of Ulthar the Giant?" the slaver asked. "That's his tent on the far edge of the camp. He's a terrible man, stronger than wolves and just as rabid. Why, one time, I saw him tear the arms off a man who stepped on the back of his heel. Bare-handed!"

The slaver turned to the woman in the scarf. She said nothing.

"Such a man," the slaver finished sulkily, "is not one whose sleep should be interrupted lightly."

"I have no time to wait for customary business hours," the woman said. "My journey takes precedent, and I head east at first light."

"What business have you there, lady?"

"My own."

"I don't believe Ulthar will accept such an explanation for rousing him this time of night."

Again, the woman maintained her silence, and the two continued their journey with no further words shared between them.

Six hours earlier, just at the close of the market day, the strange woman found the slaver wallowing in a drunken mire inside the tavern. She roused his senses with a splash of hot water and a purse full of money. For his assistance, the stranger promised a generous reward; so generous, in fact, that the slaver did not see fit to tell her that he had only that morning been discharged from Ulthar's service.

Perhaps, the slaver thought, by presenting Ulthar with such a promising client, he could redeem for his earlier errors.
The caravan guards were reluctant to awaken their chief.  "Be on your way," they said. "Business is to be conducted during the day."

The slaver nodded and bowed away, but the woman would not be dissuaded.  "Bring me to your chief," she said, "and I will reward you handsomely."

"You wish to make a purchase?" the guards said. "Perhaps we can offer you the services of one of the under-merchants. They know our stock as well as Ulthar himself does."

"That may be," the woman said, "but I was told to trust no one but Ulthar himself."

"Then you must wait until morning."  The guards stood again at attention, satisfied that the conversation had ended.

"I have no time!" the woman snapped. The slaver noticed a curious edge in the woman's voice.  It was not impatience, anger, or frustration not getting the treatment she wished. Her voice commanded, as one who was accustomed to being obeyed.  The guards, too, noticed the strength in her voice.  The slaver watched their rigidity dissolve gradually.  Their faces shifted, ill-hiding their discomfort.  One leaned over and whispered to the other in a voice so low the slaver couldn't hear. Then, much to the slaver's surprise, one of the guards turned and walked away.

"Wait here," the remaining guard said.  "We will bring you to Ulthar if he agrees to see you."

Now the air about them seemed to thicken with murky foreboding. The slaver felt a chill, despite the oppressive heat of the night air. He knew well the stories of Ulthar - the one called King of the Slave Runners. The man - a true barbarian, a demon in human skin - was rumored to lead his savage warriors into small villages, where women and children were bound and bundled together for sale, while the men who stood against them were permanently and cruelly injured, if they were lucky. The slaver shivered with horror as he recalled sitting in grueling conversation with those survivors he had encountered.

He thought to tell these stories to the woman, but she no longer seemed to notice him.

The guard returned, slowly shaking his head.  "Ulthar will see you," he said.  "Be warned, though - If you have disturbed him only to waste his time, he will have your head on a sword."

The bundle of scarves about the woman's head shifted as she nodded. "I expect no less."

The slaver shifted his feet, ready to move away since he had been apparently forgotten.  The woman's hand clamped on his shoulder.  "Once my business here is concluded," she said, "I will give you the reward I promised."

"If it please you, madam," the slaver said, "I will consider my contract fulfilled as an act of service."

"I won't hear of it."

The slaver licked his lips and whispered, "Truth be told, I have no desire to meet with Ulthar personally.  I thought you were just looking for a servant. I had no idea you intended to haggle with the Giant himself, and at this profane hour"

"I do not haggle," the woman said.  "And I do not back out of a contract.  You are to come with me."

The slaver followed meekly behind as the guards led them to the larges tent in the center of the campground. He nearly coughed at the thick clouds of dirt that had been kicked up hours before from the slave auction - tired and beaten souls struggling against bonds that, once clapped on them by Ulthar's brutish hands, would forever wear them down.  The slaver stopped outside the tent and meekly suggested that he wait outside.  The woman did not speak to him, but grabbed his shirt and dragged him through the tent flaps.

Ulthar towered over them - truly a giant of a man.  The large bonfire danced behind him as though he were a devil newly arrived from hell.  Scars crisscrossed his face and burly arms, somehow glowing silver in the firelight.  His eyes glimmered red with anger - but there was a sparkle of curiosity to be seen as well.

"You seek to trade with me?" Ulthar said to the woman.  His lip twisted - was it a smile?  The slaver could not tell. "What is so urgent that it could not wait until morning?"

The woman spoke coolly, unimpressed by the hulking warrior before her. "I travel through the sands tonight, and by tomorrow I must arrive at my destination.  I am looking for a girl child to travel with me."

"As a companion?" The giant's grin turned to a derisive sneer. "We do not sell pets here.  You have aroused me for nothing."

From within her sleeves the woman produced again the large bag of coins she had bribed the slaver with earlier. Ulthar paused, his rage momentarily abated.  "It's a paltry sum," he said, "but I imagine we could find a sickly waif to trade for that amount."

"This is not the price of a slave," the woman said. "This money is yours if you will let me see a girl in your caravan."

"You wish to see a girl?" the giant said. "And you pay for the privilege?  No, there is something more you desire."

"You are wise to suspect me," the woman said, depositing the bag of coins at Ulthar's feet, "and you are correct. I do not wish to purchase just any girl. There is one in your care, a particular girl I have heard you captured at great cost to yourself."

Ulthar scratched his chin.  The slaver thought he appeared surprised - a thought that terrified him. "You speak of the daughter of Caine, I presume." Ulthar rested his hands on his hips, a move which, the slaver noticed, brought his hands nearer the hilt of his sword. "I have heard the story, but I would not stand by the truthfulness of a tavern legend."

"Would you deny the story?"

"If I did," Ulthar grinned, "would you believe me? A man who traffics in human beings could easily be called a liar."

"Tell me the story," the woman said. "As you heard it."

Ulthar sighed deeply, resigned to indulge his wealthy visitor. The slaver noticed how casually and disinterestedly Ulthar rested his hand on the pommel of his sword and broke out in a sweat.

"As I heard it," Ulthar said, "our caravan set up shop near a small village by the banks of the Hawseed River.  The villagers were poor, many ill, and none hardy enough to buy or be sold.  However, it was rumored that the family Caine had taken up shelter there, and their daugher, a fair young thing with coal black hair and pale skin, was often seen playing by the river. She was much loved by the village people. Her voice, it is said, could still a racing heart, and the touch of her hand drove off fevers.

"Miraculous, certainly, but I do not believe in miracles. The story says that Ulthar the Giant was bewitched by the child and slew all in the town so that he alone could possess her.  He took the child away, leaving nothing in the ruins for the dogs to chew on."

"What of the rest of the family Caine? Did you kill them, too?"

Ulthar shrugged. "I admit to killing no one, although I imagine they were among the screaming dead of the village. But that's enough of a bedtime story." Ulthar drew his sword and rested the tip of the blade in the dirt. "You paid to see a girl we do not have. I have done my best to accommodate you. My duty as a humble merchant is complete. You are dismissed from my presence."

"Minus the gold I left you, of course."

"The price of trying my patience, I fear," Ulthar said. "Try it further, and you will surely lose your head."

The guards stepped menacingly forward, spears brandished.  The slaver cowered behind the woman and tugged desperately at her cloak. She ignored him.

"I will not leave here until I see the girl," she said. Her hand shot to her neck and pulled at the scarves that covered her face.  They unwound and flew through the air towards the first of the guards, blocking for a brief moment his vision. The second guard lunged at the woman with his spear. She caught the weapon just behind the spear head and swung up with her elbow, catching the guard under the jaw and slamming his mouth shut with a violent snap. The guard staggered backwards as blood dripped from his mouth.

The slaver gasped at the sight of the woman. Her head was completely bald except for two serpentine eyebrows. Her right eye was webbed and pale from a slash wound that healed poorly. The scarves had covered her visage, but the dispassionate voice with which she had spoken was her cleverest disguise, for her gritted teeth and flaring nostrils revealed her to be a woman of great emotion.

The first guard had now freed himself from the scarves that blocked his vision and swung his spear towards the woman's head. She jumped backward, pushing the slaver to the side, and she drew a sword of her own from within the flowing robes that now swirled around her like waves of the ocean. The sword flashed in the firelight, severing the spear. Without faltering, the guard drew a dagger from his belt and lunged, only to be cut in half as well. The woman kicked, and the bleeding guard fell to the ground.

Ulthar watched the battle, amused. "So you seek vengeance," he said. He brandished his sword and leered. "I suspected as much. Come and die, then - I thirst for your blood."

"I thirst, too," the woman said, "but not for vengeance. A mother separated from her child can not quench her thirst until she finds her again."

"Fool!" Ulthar lunged and swung his sword. The slaver clapped his hands against his ears as the giant's blade ripped through cloth and canvas. No scream - the woman danced nimbly aside. "I told you already, I have no such child."

"A daughter fears her mother more than the evils of men, and will always obey her voice." The woman swung, moving so quickly that the slaver could not follow her hand, and slashed at Ulthar's wrist. The giant howled and struck out again. His sword swished ineffectively through the air. "Sasha!" the woman cried. "Come out!"

From behind the giant's bed, a small girl stood, thin and dirty, but with beautiful white skin and luxuriously dark hair. She shook visibly - despite the roaring fire, she must have been cold. The slaver wanted to run and wrap a cloak around her, but he soon noticed her expression change. Fear turned quickly to hope, and then, surprisingly, to pity.

The giant struck again and again, but each time his sword cleaved only the empty space his opponent had just left. Meanwhile, the woman's sword landed again and again, carving new scars into Ulthar's flesh with every pass. Infuriated, the giant swung his arm around until it latched on to the woman's neck. He lifted her into the air and bellowed incomprehensibly. His bellow ended abruptly, though, and was soon replaced with a horrifying death gurgle. He loosened his grip, and the woman dropped to the ground. Ulthar collapsed, and behind him, clutching one of the fallen guard's daggers, stood Sasha Caine.

The woman swept the child up into her arms and held her tightly, her sword still clutched in her hand. Sasha nestled her head against the woman's shoulder, who buried her face in the girl's hair. Through the crackle of the fire, the slaver heard the girl whisper, "I knew you would come." Shaken, the slaver rose to leave, but before he could make it to the door of the tent, he felt the tip of the woman's sword pressed against his neck.

"Please," the slaver begged, "don't kill me."

The woman's face had adopted a mask of impassivity. "I told you, when my business was concluded, I would reward you." She kicked the bag of gold she had laid at Ulthar's feet. "Yours, as promised."

The slaver stooped to pick up the coins, but the sword was again at his throat. "If I were you," the woman said, raising one sinewy eyebrow, "I would look for a new line of work."

The slaver swallowed hard. "You're the child's mother?" he said.

The woman nodded. "I am the Lady Caine," she said. "My lands and wealth may be gone, but my title and family are still mine. When you next tell tales of Ulthar the Giant, tell the hearers my name, too."

The tent flap moved, and the slaver jumped.  A camp guard poked his helmeted head through the opening. "The giant is dead!" he shouted.

Caine swung a fist at the guard's face. Nose cracked, and the guard fell backwards. She looked at the slaver and, for the first time, smiled. "You can run away now," she said, and then she disappeared through the doorway.

She ran miles without stopping for breath, her daughter always clutched tightly to her.  At last, just when the morning sun began to rise, the two stopped to rest under the shade of a dead tree.

"Mother," Sasha said, "can we go back to help the others? They wear these heavy chains, and they all look so sad."

"Tonight, child, I promise," Caine said. She drew her daughter close to her again and embraced her. "For now, though, I am content to have you back."



Okay, so this is my trying my hand at a genre short story again. Probably the first time I've written something like this since high school. Frankly... I don't like it much.

I mean, there's some stuff here I genuinely enjoy. Back in high school, I loved writing fight scened. I kind of remember why now. And this whole idea came about after I wondered why there weren't more action-star moms in pop culture. This story is my attempt to tell a "Conan the Barbarian"-style adventure with an awesome mom as the lead - an idea I still think is worth exploring. Just, you know, by someone more suited to genre fiction.

Fantasy stories and the like require so much worldbuilding... I just don't have the patience for it.

Cooking with Braddy: Philly Cheese Steak Stuffed Peppers




Once you fall into the Pinterest hole, you can neve crawl out again...

I was in the mood for a quick and easy recipe, so I decided to dig this gem out from my Pinterest collection and give it a go. It looked pretty easy, and it definitely was... but "quick" maybe not so much. Sautéing onions and mushrooms takes a bit of time. Altogether, prep lasted about an hour, and that's. to too bad.


I used an orange pepper instead of a green pepper simply because the green peppers at the grocery store looked pretty darn awful. Now, I normally like orange peppers, but for this recipe, I think the mild sweetness of the green pepper would be better suited than the stronger orange. Pretty good, though.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Project 10: The Miser

Shhh, boy. Here's the secret:
Justice is a whore,
Her sister Charity a gorgon
In a hall of covered mirrors.

And Mercy? Pity?
A pair of shriveled teats,
Where every beggar hangs
With flaky lips.

Happiness is a finite resource, boy.
Anyone who gives
Clutches whatever else they have
In their pocketed hand.


This? This isn't really much - more of an exercise than an actual developed poem. Ain't got much to say about it.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Set Me Up Not


I've made my opinions on dating abundantly clear in the past - basically that it's an outdated construct left to us by an era that still reveled in fancy dress balls and holding cups daintily with a pinky extended. Still, I live in a culture that expects its members to date, and I've reached an age where it's unusual to be seen at social affairs alone. Thus, it is only natural that well-meaning neighbors and relatives would want to ease the social awkwardness of my constant solitude by offering to help me find a partner.

I appreciate the effort. I really do. However... STOP IT!

The question has come up more than once in the last little while - mainly in response to a joke status I posted on Facebook (word of advice: take NOTHING I post online seriously!). Given how many times I've been asked if I'd like to meet your friend, I thought I'd take a moment to explain just why the answer is alway "Not on your life."

Let me start by saying it's nothing personal. It's just that I don't trust you. It's not that I think you're a bad judge of character, or that you don't have good taste. I've just never had a good experience with the blind date, so I've learned to be skeptical when someone says they know someone PERFECT for me.

And what, pray tell, are those transcendent qualities which make your friend and I so perfectly suited?

"Hey, I've got a friend whose single. Want me to set you up?"

"Oh, you'll love her. She's nice."

"You both read, so you'll have a lot to talk about."

Indeed... Okay, no, those are actually really not very good reasons to set two bodies up.

See, when the only thing two people have in is their relationship status, they don't have much of a foundation to build off of. I mean, once they get together, they're not single anymore. So they've already lost the only thing they had in common. That's just cruel - a relationship doomed from the start.

Oh, and if you're friend wasn't nice, I'd probably have a hard time understanding why you stay friends with this person. So not much of a selling point there. Heck, I'd probably be more interested if you told me your friend was a jerk who belches after every meal, just due to the variety.

The one that really gets me, though, is that last bit. Seriously, I've had a lot of people set me up on dates with people who read, just because I read, too, as if our mutual appreciation for sheets of paper folded and bound together somehow makes us immediately compatible. Is there any other medium people see as an appropriate starting place for a relationship?

"Hey, I see you've got an iPod. Well, my friend has an iPod, too. You two should totally hang out."

"Sweet! Is it a Touch?"

"We'll, it's a Nano, actually..."

"BLAM! Keep on walkin', homeslice!"

Okay, joking aside, the reason I turn down offers for blind dates is that I've never been on a blind date that I really enjoyed... or, heck, even one I've disliked. The result's always been the same: two people with nothing in common except a mutual acquaintance share a meal and an I enlightening conversation before going their separate ways and never seeing each other again. There's not even a good STORY to tell at the end of the night.

And, besides, nobody can tell me they know what I'm looking for in a partner, when I don't even know that myself.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

The Pink Award

Look at this award I won!


It's pink!

Okay, so it's not ACTUALLY an award. The Liebster Award is really just some meme thing that's going around. You answer a bunch of questions, then you "nominate" other bloggers to do the same. I got "nominated" by Miss Foxy, and so here we are.

The Rules:
  1. The nominee must link back to the blogger who nominated them.
  2. The nominee must state 11 facts about themselves, and then answer the 11 questions provided for them by the person who nominated them.
  3. The nominee must then nominate bloggers with less than 200 followers, who they think deserve the recognition, and pose 11 new questions for them to answer.
Sounds easy enough, right? Well, I needed some blog fodder, so here we go!

First, the facts:
  1. I'm a recording artist. Fact. I recorded an album with a group of like-minded singers back when I was in high school. We called ourselves The Grasscutters.
  2. I'm also a published poet. I've had a few poems published in online poetry zines (dink around on Google and you'll find them).
  3. I've never been to Idaho, even though I've lived in the northern part of Utah my whole life. For some reason, that feels significant.
  4. I have a scar on the side of my right foot from stepping on a paint scraper while I was in junior high. I accidentally knocked the scraper off the shelf, looked at it and thought, "Hm, I should pick that up." Then I stomped on it.
  5. I have another scar on my right leg from when I was about five years old playing around in my grandmother's front yard. I sliced up my leg on the downspout from my grandma's gutter, and then limped around to the backyard where the rest of the family was assembled. Then, and only then, I collapsed on the ground and bawled.
  6. Actually, my right leg gets injured a lot, so much so that my friends and I always joked that I would likely lose it at some point.
  7. While we're talking scars, I have a scar on my right thumb from the three months I worked at a lumber mill. I nearly lost the thumb in a (stupid) accident with a buzzsaw.
  8. I have been the "best man" at four weddings. I'm officially out of single male friends who would potentially make me a groomsman. Anyone need a particularly hairy bridesmaid?
  9. My great-great-great maternal grandfather was a polygamist. I'm descended from his third wife, who was apparently featured prominently in the film 17 Miracles, which I never saw.
  10. My great-great paternal grandfather is a geneological dead end. We think he may have changed his name. Familial lore states that he "adulterated" on his wife, who kicked him out of the house. He spent his final days in a chicken coop.
  11. My parents met on a ballroom dance team. I didn't know this until I was 14, when they chaparoned a youth dance I attended. Ever since, I've wanted to learn to dance (but never to the point where I'd actually, you know, take a class).
And now, Foxy's questions, which I've chosen to answer completely in the form of animated GIFS. Enjoy.

1. If money/success were no hindrance to you what would you be doing for a living?


2. Is there a character from a movie/book you most relate to? Who is it?


3. If you turned your Ipod (or other music playing device) on right now what would be playing?


4. What is your guiltiest pleasure?


5. What would you today tell the you of ten years ago?


6. Do you sing along to the radio? What's your favorite song to sing to?


7. If you won the lottery tomorrow, what would be your first non-bill/debt paying purchase?


8. Favorite vacation spot?


9. Describe your perfect day.


10. What is one thing on your bucket list?


11. If you could be anyone else for a day who would you choose?


Most of my blogging friends have already done this thing (or been nominated), but if heidikins, Psychotic Milkman, Aldo, Torrie, or Mindfalls felt the urge to answer some questions, I'd be interested to know:
  1. What's the first thing you remember, after all the things you've forgotten?
  2. What's the worst book you've ever read?
  3. What fictional character would you most want to spend a day with?
  4. What's the one place in the world you'd love to go to, but you've never been?
  5. Ever tried to like something a friend recommended, but just couldn't? What was it?
  6. What's your favorite way to spend a day off from work?
  7. If you had to pick a particular era from history, and you could only wear the clothes from that time period for the rest of your life, which would it be?
  8. What movie soundtrack could you dance to all night?
  9. What completely impractical feature would you include in your dream house?
  10. Favorite cooking technique: bake, grill, or microwave?
  11. How ARE you? Really?

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Braddy Reads The Westing Game


So I've been working my way through a DIFFERENT book for nearly six weeks now. And... it's been a really good read. A really, REALLY good read. Which is why I'm so disheartened that, six weeks later, I'm only about 150 pages in. The protagonist just barely got BORN. And I've got about 400 pages to go.

Thus, this intermission read: Ellen Raskin's The Westing Game, a book most of us probably read by the time we finished grade school.

I read this book once before, and I remembered NOTHING about it except the twist at the end - which, since the novel is a MYSTERY, I won't spoil just in case. So while I knew the SOLUTION to the puzzle, I remembered nothing about the clues, the characters, or even what the mystery itself was about. Made reading the book an interesting experience, to say the least.

Oddly enough, I had a bit of a false-start with The Westing Game - I started reading it, got maybe five pages in, and decided I didn't want to finish. The Westing Game is very much a book for children, so the opening doesn't really have the sophistication of a lot of other novels. Or, you know, maybe I just wasn't in the mood for a mystery at the time.

Actually, in hindsight, it was probably the latter, because the opening section strikes me as being pretty good. The problem with it, if there is one, is that it takes it's sweet time giving us the RELATABLE characters. Heck, my other book managed to do that on the very first page, and (like I said), the POV character wasn't even a glimmer in his grandfather's eyes at that point.

That said, the characters in this story are really good, and probably the primary draw. Now, The Westing Game is obviously a product of its time, especially when it comes to portrayals of race. There's both a black judge and a Chinese restauranteur, and while both characters are portrayed with their race a very prominent part of their personality, both are shown to be fairly well-rounded.

The character that really impressed me, though, is Chris Theodorakis, a mentally-handicapped young man in a wheelchair. He has great difficulty communicating with the other characters, but his mind is shown to be keen and sharp. It's probably one of the most positive portrayals of a person with a disability I've ever read, and I was almost disappointed when, at the end of the book (*SPOILER*) he gets better.

The biggest failing of The Westing Game is the speed of the story. The plot moves at a breakneck pace, so it's easy to skip over some of the clues or details. I read a page that said that the characters Turtle and Sandy (who didn't know each other before the story began) were good friends, and I had to stop for a minute. I don't remember how they even MET, much less at what point they became best bosoms.

But, you know, I've only got a few nitpicks when it comes to the plot. The Westing Game is a classic, and, like most classics, it has that honor for a reason. The mystery is compelling, the characters enjoyable, and the clues are mostly there from the beginning, so the reader gets to play along. Great use of an intermission read.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Spyglass Studio




I've been on a bit of a performance hiatus recently. I'm not involved in any productions, I've got no shows on my radar... but that doesn't mean that I don't plan on doing more shows in the future. So when my buddies Jason and Chelsea told me they were starting up a photography studio and asked if I'd be interested in getting some new headshots, I thought, "Why not?"


I met with Jason and Chelsea at Library Square in downtown Salt Lake for a fun little shoot before getting the headshots done. I had a blast, and I must say I'm pretty excited with the pictures themselves. I don't think I realized just how much my hairline's receded... but I can't really blame THEM for that.


Their group's called Spyglass Studio. If you've got any upcoming photography needs, check 'em out. I think you'll be pleased.





Cooking with Braddy: Roasted Red Pepper and Basil Pesto Penne Pasta


I spent Easter Sunday at home by myself - which is no real surprise, since I haven't had a legitimate Easter celebration since my days of chocolate egg gathering. I may have still been in diapers. Ah, to be a teenager again...

Given a free Sunday afternoon, I like to spend some time on a new recipe. I found this one through Pinterst (as you do), and thought I'd give it a whirl. I had a pesto dish once when I was still in diapers, and I remember quite liking it.

Turns out pesto is WEIRD. The foundation of pesto is blended pine nuts... which isn't the first thing to come to mind when I'm making a SAUCE to top pasta with. From there, you add roasted red peppers and some olive oil. And, of course, a whole lot of basil. Gives the sauce a pretty strong flavor.


This dish was REALLY EASY. The most time-consuming step was boiling the water for the pasta. The dish was almost a little TOO strong for my taste... but I think I liked it, overall.

Bonus: It makes good leftovers. That's great, cuz I'll be eating it ALL WEEK.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Pushing Daisies Fan Art

Project 9: I Am He

Why shouldst thou walk in grief?
Why is thy step so heavy?
Knowest thou not that thy God is watching
Ever at the ready?
When thou art weary, hopeless, and lost,
Why do thine eyes not see?
I am he,
pr Yea, I am he that comforteth thee.

Though clouds turn black and grim,
Though winter storms distress thee,
Trust in thy God, whose arm is mighty -
I will not forget thee.
Mine is the hand that stretched forth the heavens,
That formed the skies and sea.
I am he,
Yea, I am he that comforteth thee.

Where is the tyrant
Where the oppressor's fury?
Wake to the voice of thy God who guards thee.
He will soon secure thee.
Though thou art captive, be of good cheer -
Thou shalt my people be.
I am he,
Yea, I am he that comforteth thee.


The goal of Project 52 is to write the type of thing I've never really written before. I've always struggled with writing that presents religios sentiment. For the most part, religious poetry and lyrics seem to fall flat, as the (hopefully sincere) sentiments of these writers and composers have already been expressed elsewhere, and better.

My solution, then, was to just roll with it and steal like crazy.

Most of the text is paraphrased from 2 Nephi 8, which is itself a rephrasing of Isaiah 51. I find I like the wording in the
Book of Mormon slightly better. The repeated "I am he" is lifted (almost) directly from that passage.

There's also a bit of Mendelsshon's "He Watching Over Israel" in there, which gets much of ITS text from the Psalms. So there.