It's Very Important That We Talk About... SQUIRREL!

Like most people, I will probably die someday. And, like most people, it will probably happen while I’m doing something incredibly stupid. Unlike most people, though, I will probably not be aware that I’m doing something incredibly stupid at the time that I’m doing it, so I won’t even be able to enjoy myself while I’m dying.

And that, dear children, is why dying sucks.

Last night I realized that I am probably one of the least attentive people in the world, worse than a Nazi in a Russian winter (“Is it just me, or is it getting cold out here?”). One year, while I was at college, I went from August to March without realizing that our apartment had a toaster. I wept over the many cold Pop Tarts I had eaten that year, knowing that they could have been warmed.

I’ve never been to a shrink… as far as you know… but, if I were to go, I imagine that I’d get diagnosed with ADHD – Attention Deficit Holy-crap-would-you-look-where-you’re Driving?! Yeah, I know that women are supposed to be the bad drivers in the human race, but, really, compared to me, most women are like Amelia Earhart.

…Get it? Because, you know Amelia Earhart was a pilot, and, like, a pretty good one, so that’s kinda like saying that all women are good drivers compared to me… Okay, forget it. That joke just didn’t land.

Neither did Amelia Earhart. Ba-doom tisk!

So I realized that I’m kind of a crappy driver about the time that I decided to go out driving last night. There’s something different between driving in the evening and driving in the morning. See, most mornings, I drive to work, and, most mornings, I nearly kill myself on my way to work, but I don’t really notice it because I’m usually still half-asleep at that point. So, in the morning, I guess you could chalk my poor driving up to sleepiness.

At night, there’s no excuse. Seriously, last night, the LEAST ridiculous driving mistake I made was cutting off a fire engine because I didn’t see all the flashing lights – an easy mistake to make, right? Anyone?

Yeah, so I went to a haunted house last night with a group of friends – and let me say that haunted houses are kinda cool, but, really, if you’re a guy, don’t even bother going unless you’re with a group of girls. I mean, the haunted house we went to was kinda scary, but the real fun came from standing to the side and watching all the axe-wielding psychos chase the girls around. I don’t know if that’s some kind of creepy voyeurism, but boy howdy it was FUN! WOO!

*ahem* Anyway, after the haunted house, I was kind of in a hurry to get back out to Magna so I could spend another fun-filled evening with the Jesters Royale, Magna’s premier comedy improv team (admission is only $5 – bring a friend). I impatiently shooed my four passengers towards my car so I could get on my way, hopped in the driver’s seat, and took off.

From the backseat, I vaguely hear these shouts of, “Hold on! Chris isn’t in the car yet!” I couldn’t make out exactly what I was saying, because I was still in the middle of flipping a U-turn. Finally, I decide to turn my head around so I could see what all the commotion was about… and sure enough, there was my car door, wide open, and Chris several feet behind, running to catch up.

Okay, yeah, so I’m inattentive, self-centered, and inconsiderate. I’ll admit to all of that. At least I didn’t do something REALLY egregious, like standing idly by while CREED decided to stage a comeback.

President Obama, I am SO ashamed of you! Next time, I’m voting Libertarian!