The Runner Singularity

Years ago, I spent two years in the Czech Republic on a mission for the LDS church. I spent the last months of that mission in a city called Zlin, which was a rather green city dotted with blocky red houses that rested between two hills. It was a beautiful place, one I grew quite fond of, and serves almost no purpose in what I'm about to share, except as the setting for a vignette which inspires these thoughts.

During the months of service in Zlin, I would often get together with the other missionaries and a few local youth to play soccer. I was always impressed by a particular elder and his ability to run ceaselessly - he never seemed to get tired. Before his mission, he'd been a track star. I asked him about it once, and he just kinda shrugged my question off - telling me that he got into these moods when he ran, and he could just run forever.

Now that I've taken up semi-regular exercise, I've wondered if I'd ever get to feel that way while running. And, sometimes, as I jog my laps around the church house, I think I'm starting to approach that moment when I could just. Keep. Running.

It's a remarkable feeling: My lungs clear out, my legs fill with strength, and my vision clears. It's like... like I've somehow transcended my body - like my spirit is suddenly existing on another plane. There, at the end of my vision, I see... something that transcends my ability to describe. My God - it's full of stars!

Then, of course, the little gnomes that live in my calves break out the pickaxes and get to work on my shins. The pain snaps me back to reality (Op! There goes gravity), and I have to pull over for a rest.

Some day, I'll get back there. But, before then, I'll probably have to get new shoes to help with the shin splints.

Deep Fried Funk

So I think I may have to give up my favorite lunchtime food. Just about every day, I head down to the cafeteria and pick up some of my favorite comfort food - a grilled cheese sandwich and onion rings. I figured I made up for the buttered and battered junk I shoveled down my gullet by rinsing out my mouth with a green smoothie, but I think I may have been mistaken. After all, I split my favorite pair of work pants the other day...

Luckily, I ripped 'em BEFORE I went to work, but it's still demoralizing. I mean, these were my favorite pair. They were brown, and I could wear them with my favorite brown shoes. They were nice enough to wear to work, but not so nice that I felt stiff or overly formal. And they had the best expanding waistband, so I never felt full after lunch.

That's right: I split the one pair of pants I own with an elastic waistband.

Now, I'm not FAT. Not at all. But... well, I didn't used to jiggle when I went down stairs. I didn't used to get winded jogging after the bus. And I didn't used to feel like a tube of toothpaste when I wore my business slacks to work.

Picture unrelated.

In recent months, my waistline seems to be expanding with near-Napoleonic levels of aggression, and I don't seem to have the energy I need to make it through the second half of each work day. When I get home from work, I don't feel like cleaning or writing or really doing anything other than lounging around, snacking and maybe reading if I feel like being active.

And all this after I went jogging that one time. It's not fair!

Well, anyway, it may be time for me to review my diet again. I'm not looking to bulk up for swimsuit season or anything like that. I'm just hoping to keep my waist pillow at the "loverly writer's paunch" level rather than the "did I inflate that beach ball or swallow it?" level.

You ever try doing sit-ups while watching videos on your iPad? It's multi-tasking at its best!

...And Boy Are My Legs Tired!

I've been making a lot of changes this year, many of which are happening RIGHT NOW. I'm in the process of moving, and I've decided to take a bit of a break from theatrical performance (more on that last bit later). I woke up early this morning in my brand new apartment, and decided it was time to enact one more change.

So I went jogging for the first time in, like, ten years.

Now, I've not completely neglected my physical fitness over the years. I can think of several instances when I've sat in front of the television, lifting a five-pound dumbbell with one hand while packing my mouth full of doughnuts with the other. I thought I'd be able to handle the exertion and marginal discomfort of a brisk morning jog.

I was wrong.

I live pretty close to a church house, so I decided to try a few laps around the grounds. I jogged five laps, walked two, shampoo, rinse, etc. By the end of the first five laps, I felt a slight tingling sensation in my windpipe. The tingling was just a shadow of what was to come.

After ten laps, my body screamed obsceneties at me. I felt as though all the air I had gulped in refused to leave my body but instead secluded itself in a corner in my head where it swelled until my brain threatened to collapse in on itself. My mouth filled with the taste of my own lungs.

My legs and knees shook violently, and I felt a little like how the apostle Peter must have felt trying to walk on water; however, instead of calling out to the Lord to save me, I begged him to let me die.

It's amazing how physical exercise sharpens your sense of perception. I took notice - more than usual, at least - of the gulls flying above my head and the gangbangers walking down the street at a far more sensible pace than I had adopted. Most keenly I remember passing a puddle shaped like a woman's head. She wore her hair in a conservative bun, much like one of the early Utah covered wagon pioneers. Her lips pouted out, as if to say, "Aw, are your feet getting sore from your little walky-poo? Well, at least you HAVE shoes. See, when I was walkin' across the entire country so I could give birth to your great grandfather in a dirt hole, I had to EAT my shoes!"

The puddles were very vociferous this morning.

I guess you could say it was an encouraging start to a potential new exercise regimen. I'm already looking forward to my next workout tomorrow morning. I'll just need to stop at Krispy Kreme on my way home from work tonight.