In the Darkest Corner of the Hundred Acre Wood

So… Tim Burton’s got an Alice in Wonderland movie in theaters now. I’ve been pretty worried about how the film was going to turn out, mostly because Alice in Wonderland is probably my second-favorite children’s book of all time (the top favorite being Through the Looking Glass). Now, I haven’t actually SEEN the movie yet, but that’s never stopped me from having an opinion about something before, so… here we go.

Alice in Wonderland ORIGINALLY was about a little girl having strange adventures in a land where the conventional sense of logic is completely turned on its head. Her journey is more a celebration of childhood fantasy than anything else. One thing it certainly ISN’T, though, is an action-filled, hair-raising epic quest in the same vein as Lord of the Rings.

I’m not sure how Burton and Company handle all the action and combat. For all I know, they do it quite well. It bothers me, though, that a property as ubiquitous as Alice in [Freaking] Wonderland seems to require a total tone shift to get a foothold in today’s movie market. Now, I think there’s room for this type of adaptation, but when you take a story and add intense violence to create a more action-centered experience, you run the risk of destroying what people loved in the first place.

Imagine if next summer’s big action-packed blockbuster had THIS trailer:

The sun rises over the forest line. It’s an ominous red, indicating that a fierce, bloody day has come to the Hundred Acre-Wood.

Zoom in on Winnie the Pooh, who is walking along a forest path. The camera circles around him as wild chirping noises rise from the trees along the path.

Suddenly, a Woozle jumps out from the bushes – mangy, raving, with long sharp teeth and jagged claws. Pooh freezes in fear and mutters, “Oh, bother,” before he is savagely beaten down.

Cut to Piglet, running frantically into Rabbit’s sitting room. “Pooh’s been k-k-kidnapped by Woozles! Oh, d-d-d-dear!”

Cut to a ceremonial site atop a hill. Pooh is tied up to a tree, bits of stuffing hanging out from his tummy. A large Woozle chief stands over him in a warpaint and an ornamental headdress. “We will have our revenge against the forest creatures,” he snarls, “when we awaken… the Heffalump!”

We hear the Heffalump’s cry – sort of a mix between an elephant’s trumpet and the wail of a hundred crying children, as the monster breaks down the forest wall and enters the clearing. It’s huge, like the elephants from the Lord of the Rings movies, only bigger and with more horns and tusks.

Cut to Owl, silhouetted against a full moon talking to a young boy. “I’m too old now!” the boy protests. “I can’t go back.

Close up on Owl’s face. “It’s a perilous time for the entirety of gentle animal folk, and we need you more than ever… Christopher Robin.”

Christopher Robin raises his head (and we see now he’s played by Michael Cera). “Silly old bear,” he says as he shakes his head.

We hear Pooh’s voice: “First they attack my friends.”

Cut to the battle. Enraged Woozles swarm around Kanga and Tigger, each armed with a pair of swords. They suddenly spring into action, bouncing high over the heads of their enemies and raining down bladed death upon them.

Pooh’s voice over continues. “Then they destroyed my home.”

Cut to the Heffalump, now attacking Owl’s great tree. Splinters of wood fly in all directions as the proud forest tower is brought down to the ground.

“But now,” says Pooh, “they’ve threatened my honey stash.”

Now we see Christopher Robin, backed into a corner, his sword held shakily in front of him. Pooh and Piglet cower behind him as the shadows of enraged Woozles start to creep in.

And now we cut to Tigger, flecks of stuffing poking out from slashes across his face. He stares down a large Woozle and roars like the mighty tiger.

Pooh stares at the camera, mud smeared across his face. “This rumbly in my tumbly is now a cry for vengeance!”

The title of the movie flashes now across the screen: Winnie the Pooh and the Battle for the Hundred-Acre Wood.”

Cut to Christopher Robin holding a cowardly Piglet. “We need everyone to be brave now, Piglet,” he says, “even you Very Small Animals.”

Coming to Theaters May 2011.