If Writers from History Wrote Harry Potter

I stumbled across a link today, speculating what Twilight would look like if written by authors of classic literature. Now, even I'M getting tired of Twilight jokes - they're just WAY TOO EASY to make. Classical literature jokes, on the other hand, will never not be awesome.

If you want to check out the Twilight jokes, feel free, but be warned that, in keeping with the traditions of classical literature, there's a lot of disturbing stuff. For the squeamish types who like their comedy G-rated, here are a couple of my favorites:

• Virginia Woolf
  The novel takes place over the course of twenty four hours, during which Bella is painting a portrait of Edward and reflecting on how her femininity circumscribes her role within 20th century society.


• Kate Chopin
  Stifled by her marriage to Edward, Bella has an affair with Jacob and then drowns herself.


• Lewis Carroll
  Bella takes acid and charts syllogisms.


• Flannery O'Connor
  When Native American werewolf Jacob threatens her with death, Bella reconsiders her hardcore racism, and just for one milisecond, the audience finds her sympathetic.


• Annie Proulx
  Edward and Jacob defy society's expectations up in the mountains.

My first thought after reading these was, "Why let these people have all the fun?"

Actually, my first thought was likely, "Heh. Edward and Jacob are gay." My SECOND thought would have been... probably something about Batman. But my THIRD thought was, "Why let these people have all the fun?"

So, with respect to J.K Rowling, here's how the Harry Potter series would have turned out if written by the great authors of classical literature:

• Charles Dickens
  Harry is a poor orphan who is abused and neglected by an overly industrialized society until Dumbledore, saddened over the increasingly desperate plight of the house elves, offers Harry a chance to escape his poverty by enrolling in school.



• Mark Twain
  Despite a strong humanitarian message and a clever portrayal of accurate English dialects in text, parent groups protest the Harry Potter series, offended by repeat usage of the racial slur, "muggle."



• Sylvia Plath
  Hermione attends Hogwarts after winning a write-in contest to the Daily Prophet. Frustrated by the limitations placed on wizarding women by society, she slowly slips into depression. Madam Pomfrey elects to subject Hermione to the experimental and dangerous "Electro Convulsio" spell to break her despondency.



• Arthur Miller
  When Arthur Weasley's job with the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office fails to provide the family with enough money to send their youngest children to Hogwarts, he commits suicide so his family can cash in on his insurance policy.



• George Orwell
  Harry organizes the students of Hogwarts to ward off an attack by fascist wizards led by He Who Must Not Be Named. They fail. Harry is next seen begging for change on the streets of London mumbling the words, "I Love Voldemort."



• Samuel Beckett
  Headmaster Dumbledore instructs the staff and students of Hogwarts to prepare for the arrival of Harry Potter, rumored to be the only survivor of an attack by He Who Shall Not Be Named. Harry never shows up.