Movie of the Year: 2011

I generally don’t watch a lot of movies in the theater – my time is too valuable and my wallet too thin. However, this past year, I’ve seen quite a few. More surprising (considering how discerning my tastes are) I’ve enjoyed all of them. Kung Fu Panda 2 impressed me with a sincere heart and surprisingly well-crafted plot, while Rango won me over with quirky visuals. The Help mixed comedy and drama with great effect, and Cowboys and Aliens was about the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

However, none of the above movies, nor any of the other films I’ve seen this year, brought me nearly as much joy as last night’s cinematic masterpiece. I’m not kidding, and I’m not trying to be funny – the movie I saw last night is easily the most enjoyable movie I’ve seen all year.

Heaven help me, but I loved the @#%$ out of Shark Night 3D.


I have to thank the lovely Larissa for being born and celebrating by taking us all to watch this masterpiece of a motion picture. Shark Night 3D is one of the most insane, over-the-top stories I’ve ever witnessed, and I enjoyed every second of it. I’ma get into some pretty intensive SPOILERS here, so if you ever plan on seeing Shark Night 3D, you may want to come back to this review later.

And if you’re NOT planning on seeing Shark Night 3D, you should probably reconsider that decision.

Shark Night 3D delivers exactly what it sets out to do, which is, of course, show a bunch of people get eaten to bits by sharks. In 3D. And, you know, it’s night, so… yeah, you get just what it says on the tin. But the QUALITY of the nocturnal fish feedings is what makes the movie such a delight.

The plot’s about what you’d expect from a horror/exploitation flick: A group of college kids head off to their rich friend’s island mansion for some weekend fun times complete with beer pong and sexy thongs, when they suddenly find themselves savaged by vicious sharks inhabiting the lake. Of course, their cell phones don’t get signal in the middle of the lake, and since rich people don’t believe in landlines, the kids are on their own.

Now, if you’re a smart viewer, you’re probably asking where the sharks are coming from, and how the crap they’re getting to a lake so far inland. Ready for the spoiler? It turns out a cabal of local crazies – made up primarily of the inbred hick, the pervert convenience store owner, the corrupt sheriff, and the rich girl’s bitter ex-boyfriend – bring the sharks into the lake and strap cameras to their heads so they can get film of sharks eating people.

That’s right – the villains of the picture are making shark snuff films.

SHARK.

SNUFF.

FILMS.

If that’s not already an episode of CSI… well, it SHOULD be.

The shark kills themselves are just about as spectacularly ludicrous as the plot itself. There’s one scene in particular where the pretty-boy jock is racing away on his jet ski, only to have a shark jump clean out of the water and swallow him whole (to the cheering and laughter of the whole audience). It’s completely ridiculous – but I guarantee it’d scare the Fonz away from the water for the rest of his life.

In case you’re worried, let me assure you it’s not just the violence that’s nonsensically exaggerated. Nearly 50% of the shots feature prominent booty or cleavage shots of the girl in the cast, and… well, I’m pretty sure that they use their 3D effects to their fullest. Are these shots shameless and demeaning? Definitely. Are they sexy or appealing? Not even a little bit. But they ARE freakin’ hilarious.

Oh, and true to horror movie fashion, it’s pretty much just the prettiest and most virginal of the white people that survive to the movie’s end. As you’d expect, the sex-obsessed get killed off pretty thoroughly, but it’s really the film’s treatment of its token characters that surprised me most. Seriously, Shark Night 3D killed off its minority members faster than the KKK after Affirmative Action.

And I know I say this a lot, but that last sentence is the single most horrifying thing I’ve EVER written.

Now, if you do see Shark Night 3D, you MUST stay through to the end of the credits. It seems most movies have SOME kind of little tag at the end, whether it’s a blooper reel or just a horrifying little monkey. But Shark Night 3D doesn’t settle for anything so mundane. No, they have a RAP number performed by the members of the cast:

Yo, shark! You bit my girlfriend and now she’s dead
So I’m gonna run this spear through your mother-sharkin’ head!

(Sadly, the author of this blog was not able to remember the lyrics exactly; however, the line “mother-sharkin’” IS dropped, and it is AWESOME.)

Okay, so Shark Night 3D is not in any way a GOOD movie, but… wait, did you just faint from the shock of that revelation? Seriously? C’mon, pick yourself up off the floor. You look ridiculous.

No, if you want a quality flick that’ll enrich your soul and strengthen your mind, go see… anything else. Heck, I’m willing to bet you’d find more substance in Sex and the City 2. But for my money, those movies aren’t nearly as fun as Shark Night 3D.

Just be sure the theater’s empty when you watch the movie so people don’t get upset while you “Statler and Waldorf” it to death.