Wait, what was that last one again?
I don’t know if I was too young or what, but I never really watched He-Man, Transformers, or GI Joe when I was a kid. I missed out on most of the “cartoon designed specifically to sell toys” genre (although I did get a healthy dose of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). I picked up Jem at the library as… I dunno, something of an experiment. I can’t explain why I’ve been so interested in traditionally girly entertainment recently, but here we are.
Okay, so Jem and The Holograms is, surprisingly, pretty bad. Still, holy crap, I actually kinda loved it. I mean, between the sappy dialog, flashy animation, and out-RAG-eous characters, there’s a lot of cheese to fall in love with.
The plot of the show makes NO SENSE at all. Jerrica leads a double-life as stage performer Jem thanks to a sophisticated holographic system her father invented and called Synergy. Why exactly Jerrica has to pull the Hannah Montana routine I was never clear on. For that matter, I never understood why Hannah Montana had to pull the Hannah Montana routine, but whatever.
The Holograms spend their time making 80s-tastic music videos when their not… um… running a foster care center? Meanwhile, their musical enterprises are often sabotaged by The Misfits, a band with no artistic objectives other than to be as horrible as possible. I guess we now know where Kanye West drew his inspiration from.
Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
I think the highlight episode for me was “Danse Time,” in which The Holograms’ lead dancer, named (I &^%$ you not) Danse, sprains her ankle and has to go through months and months of physical therapy before she can walk again. Meanwhile, local billionaire Xanthos (who is NOT, despite the name, a super villain) sponsors a video contest which will award $250,000 to the music act who puts together the best video espousing the virtues of friendship and goodwill. Jem and her band have a great song, but to win the contest they will need Danse’s help. Will their friend be able to dance in time for The Holograms to enter the contest?
Spoiler alert: OF COURSE SHE WILL!
I loved just about everything in this episode. I mean, first of all, there’s Xanthos, who’s got to be the worst philanthropist ever – he decides that the best way to spend his $250,000 to promote world peace is to give that money away to a group that composes a third-rate “We Are the World” knockoff rather than, I don't know, funding a literacy program or something.
Then you’ve got The Misfits, who enter the contest purely for the profit. They decide that the best way to promote peace and friendship is to dress up as candy and perform their song standing inside a giant gumball dispenser. Seriously – this is a thing that happens.
The best part, of course, has to be the drama surrounding Danse’s rehab. The doctor tells her that she may not ever be able to dance again (which would be really unfortunate – she’d have to change her name to Limp). She eventually meets a young man named Sisko, who is blind. They, of course, fall in love, and then they share this bit of dialog.
SISKO – I heard that you’re a good dancer.
DANSE – How did you know?
ME – BRILLIANT!
All joking aside, I was pretty impressed with Jem and The Holograms – not for what it was, but for what it had the potential to be. Since there have been so many updates of “classic” franchises recently, I seriously think it may be time for someone to take a look at Jem and The Holograms. Get some decent musical talent behind it (and hire a decent writer to come up with some convincing motivation for these characters) and there’s a chance that this show could be REALLY good.
I’m not actually volunteering for the writing job, by the way. But if I WERE to write Jem and The Holograms 2012, you’d better believe The Misfits would interrupt an award ceremony to point out Beyonce just wrote the best song ever. Also, I’d probably have to write a guest spot for Andre 3000, just to be groovy.
2 comments:
K, this is my new favorite post!
I LOVE that you love Jem and the Hollograms. I liked the show when I was a kid, but don't remember much about how bad it was. Still, one of my Channel Z wigs is reminiscent of Jem.
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