A Caroler's Christmas

Merry Christmas from 1890!

Confessions: Beard Bother

I swore I'd never be one of those guys, but I can't help it anymore: I'm kinda in love with my own beard.

Facial hair is pretty cool. It keeps your face warm in the winter and just makes you look like an all-round more rugged individual. However, as with most things, facial hair comes with its own irritations.

• Okay, yeah, so facial hair keeps you warm, but it also collects all that moisture you exhale, so you wind up with some nice lip-densation.
  
  Portmanteaus are hard


• Have you ever gotten your beard caught in a zipper? Mine's not even that long, and I still have problems.


• Turns out that moustaches are pretty good at catching things other than exhalations. I've taken to eating with a utensil in one hand and a napkin in the other, just to keep my face clean.


• Did you know that hair falls out? It's true. When facial hair falls out, it lands either (1)on your tongue, or (2) in your cereal bowl. Every time.


• It will never not be sweet to have a beard to stroke while thinking.

Poem of the Week

To A Small Boy Standing On My Shoes While I Am Wearing Them

By Ogden Nash

Let's straighten this out, my little man,
And reach an agreement if we can.
I entered your door as an honored guest.
My shoes are shined and my trousers are pressed,
And I won't stretch out and read you the funnies
And I won't pretend that we're Easter bunnies.
If you must get somebody down on the floor,
What in the hell are your parents for?
I do not like the things that you say
And I hate the games that you want to play.
No matter how frightfully hard you try,
We've little in common, you and I.
The interest I take in my neighbor's nursery
Would have to grow, to be even cursory,
And I would that performing sons and nephews
Were carted away with the daily refuse,
And I hold that frolicsome daughters and nieces
Are ample excuse for breaking leases.
You may take a sock at your daddy's tummy
Or climb all over your doting mummy,
But keep your attentions to me in check,
Or, sonny boy, I will wring your neck.
A happier man today I'd be
Had someone wrung it ahead of me.

***

Bet you didn't know I'm not a parent.

On a whim, I did a Google search for "To A Small Boy Standing On My Shoes." This was the first result.

Braddy's Favorite (Unconventional) Christmas Specials

When I was a kid, I always got super excited for Christmas time because of all the STUFF that got shown on TV. Every day, there were at least a half-dozen Christmas specials I tried to make time for. You probably know the list - classics like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Raindeer, Santa Clause is Coming to Town, A Year Without a Santa Clause, and a bunch of other "not quite as good as Claymation" shows.

As an adult... I don't like 'em.

That's not to say I don't like any of the classic Christmas specials - I quite enjoy White Christmas and, despite its (many) failings, the musical adaptation of Scrooge manages to bring a tear to my eye. Most of the standard Christmas fair, though, leaves me feeling a bit unfulfilled, like a kid who didn't get his Red Rider BB Gun on Christmas morning.

Thankfully, with the plethora of Christmas specials out there, there's always something, perhaps just off the beaten path, that helps me to get in that Christmas spirit. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I dunno, but I think I like some of these better... even if they have almost nothing to do with the true meaning of Christmas.

Here are my favorite "B side" holiday specials.

"Donald's Snow Fight"

Really, this is more of a "winter" special than a true "Christmas" special, but that doesn't make it any less awesome. Donald and his nephews get in an ever escalating snow fight, starting with the usual snowballs, and ending with mousetraps, ice missles, and... um... fire arrows? It's a lot of fun, and, like a lot of the classic Disney shorts, it holds up well.

Doctor Who, "A Christmas Carol"

The Doctor takes on the role of the Ghosts of Christmas in an attempt to change the heart of a miserly old man. There's a lot of time travel, space ships, and the usual Doctor goofiness. Oh, and there's also some absolutely lovely Christmas music. Really, I think this is quite heartwarming.

The Office, "Christmas Party"

No, seriously - I kinda tear up at this episode of The Office. The awkward comedy is still present ("YAANKEEE Swap!"), but there's a lot of genuine Christmasy spirit here - especially in the Jim/Pam story arc. The Office did a few Christmas specials, but I think the first one got it best.

Hellboy, "A Christmas Underground"

There's a fun little redemption plot that runs through this story, where a woman is actually saved from eternal torment because of a gift from her mother. The same old woman also mistakes Hellboy for Santa Clause, though. That's pretty funny.

Detective Comics #826, "Slayride"

One of my favorite Joker stories ever, and a surprisingly excellent story for Robin, as well (who's not as lame as everyone says he is). The Joker kidnaps Robin, ties him up with Christmas lights, and then drives around town running people over. Robin manages to escape by starting up a conversation about the Marx Brothers.

You know, because Christmas.

What? You expected EVERYTHING to be all "Peace on Earth" and stuff? Man, if you want that, maybe you should, like, read your Bible or someth... Oh, wait.

Out Of The Frying Pan, Aim For The Stars

My Christmas bonus came in my paycheck on Friday morning. That meant that Friday evening was a good day to spend said bonus. I had some extra Christmas shopping to do, so I went to Barnes and Noble. And then I thought, “Well, while I’m here… I might as well pick up something for myself, as well.”

Cuz I’ve been a good boy this year, too.

I went to the cookbook section and found The Flavor Bible by Karen Page and Andrew Dornenburg. It’s not a cookbook as much as a cooking reference – almost a cooking thesaurus, in fact. The idea is that you look up one ingredient, and see what flavors the thirty or so top-tier American chefs interviewed for the book would recommend adding to that ingredient.

The book is really for a cook well beyond my skill level, but my imagination sure got fired up. I’mma try at some point to develop a recipe for a yogurt, vanilla, and pistachio chicken. You know, eventually.

Even though I don’t expect to get much use out of the reference part of The Flavor Bible (yet), I thoroughly enjoyed reading the introductory section of the book. I relished how lovingly the authors describe the art of cooking. Sure, the talk of food got me hungry, but, more than that, I relished the way the authors and chefs described cooking as a creative, artistic experience.

I'm gonna guess, though, that the book's writers would probably cringe at the sight of me eating Cheese-Its while reading.

Braddy Reads Unbroken

The book club I meet with isn’t reading anything for December, so I started on January’s book a bit early. And I fully expected to take the whole month and a half to finish it. After all, I simply don’t care much for biographies. I also don’t much like sports or war stories. So when January’s book (Laura Hillenbrand’s Unbroken) tells the true life story of Olympic runner and World War II veteran Louie Zamperini, I expected to be bored to tears.

The first hundred pages felt like they took forever to read. The story follows young Louie through his troubled childhood. It traces his journey to the 1936 Olympics and all the records that he broke along the way. Louie’s hopes of winning the gold in 1940 were shattered by the start of World War II. He joined the Army Air Force and trained to be a bomber. On a rescue mission, his plane failed, and Louie and two other men found themselves adrift in the Pacific Ocean. They remained on the raft for over a month, catching birds to use as bait for fishing. While out on the ocean, the three men were attacked by a Japanese plane. Louie dove over the side of the raft to avoid getting shot, and he found he had to defend himself against ravenous sharks. He gritted his teeth, balled up his fists, and swung, and then…

WHEN THE HECK DID I START LIKING THIS BOOK?

Somewhere along the line, Hillenbrand hooked me in. The first 100 pages took me about two days. I finished the remaining 300 pages in another two days of non-stop reading.

It would be enough if the book was just a good adventure, but Hillenbrand extrapolates some fascinating morality from Zamperini’s story. She discusses at length how Zamperini’s “dignity” carried him through all his adversity. She makes a strong connection between a person’s dignity and their will to survive. It’s a fascinating subject to think on, and I found it well worth reading through Unbroken just for that.

Altough I think the book really should have been titled Sharkpuncher.

But Mom, It's Art Now!

The Museum of Modern Art recently announced that they will be adding a selection of video games to their collection. This would seem to counteract the most vocal critics of video games, who claim that such frivolous products could never be considered art (I attempted to link to a particularly prominent example, but every time I tried to find a specific article, my browser crashed). I'm a pretty passive gamer myself - although I do concede that recently I've been playing a lot more than I frankly should be. Still, I thought I'd take a look at the list, just to see if I have any thoughts on these games.

Cuz, you know, I thought it would be possible that I not have an opinion on something.

vib-ribbon

Umm... is this a game or a 9th grade geometry tool?

Passage

At least this one looks like a video game.

Dwarf Fortress

That... sure is a lot of squiggles.

Canabalt

Seriously, I haven't heard of a lot of these.

Another World

I... don't know what I'm looking at.

Pac-Man

Well, finally!

I don't know that I'd call Pac-Man art. It certainly inspired art, but, other than being a cultural phenomenon, I don't know that there's much substance to it.

Now, Ms. Pac-Man is another matter altogether.

Tetris

"Tetris Effect" describes a condition where a person spends so much time absorbed in an activity that they begin to visualize that activity while their eyes are closed. It's especially prominent when people play Tetris or similar games right before going to sleep. "Tetris Effect" is about the worst thing ever.

Myst

I remember this game was a pretty big deal back in the days of CD-ROM. I remember that the story had something to do with creating new worlds by writing about them, which is a concept that I'd probably find even more appealing now.

I also remember that, if you know how to beat the game, you can finish it in, like, thirty seconds, which is kinda lame.

SimCity 2000

I played Sim City once. I remember thinking I'd have just as much fun playing around in MS Paint. Of course, some of us manage to have more fun with MS Paint than others.

I don't really have strong opinions about SimCity. The Sims is another matter entirely...

The Sims

Well, okay then.

I played The Sims once back when I was in college. Actually, I think it was The Sims 2. My Sim was a university student. He studied English and had good grades and a girlfriend. That last point made him more successful than me. I stopped playing.

Katamari Damacy

Now, this is an evocative game. I felt a real surge of emotion when playing Katamari Damacy.

Well, provided that "What the ffff...?" counts as an emotion.

EVE Online

EVE Online is what we call a MMORPG (pronounced "memoporgah). I don't play MMORPGs, because I don't like spending that much time online. All I know about EVE Online is that it's played host to some of the most ridiculously cruel online pranks ever.

Portal

Portal is in the running for "Best Game of All Time" (and comes pretty close to actually leading the pack on my list). It's got clever writing, subtle yet effective storytelling, and fantastic gameplay.

Also, there's something about lying... and a cake... or something.

flOw

I've not played flOw, but I played Flower, which is a game by the same company. Super pretty game, that one. flOw is probably good, too.

Batman: Arkham Asylum

JUST kidding. I'm the only one who thinks this game should be in the museum. For being AWESOME!