This Isn't a Game!

One of my coworkers went to see Cowboys and Aliens. I asked him to tell me how it was, and he responded, "Well... it can't be GOOD." So I went and checked it out for myself on Friday with my buddy Dashbo. And it was... appropriately terrible. Still a fun movie, though.

But, oh, I had no idea just how surreal the experience would be. And the worst part happened about ten minutes before the movie actually started, when we were subjected to this.

That's a trailer for Battleship, a movie that, somehow, is not a practical joke. The trailer opens up depicting sexy times between Brooklyn Decker and Alexander Skarsgård, who plays a character named "Stone Hopper." Also starring in the movie are Liam Neeson and pop singer Rihanna.

And, again, this is a real @$$ thing.

Normally, this type of announcement would have me completely irate, condemning Hollywood for its complete lack of originality and unwillingness to take a chance on ANYTHING that hasn't already been part of the cultural consciousness for twenty years already... except I think this is kind of a cool idea. In fact, I think MORE movies should be made based on games with plots thinner than the cardboard they're printed on. In fact, I've got a couple of suggestions:

• Leonardo DiCaprio plays Arthur Creed, a young man who moves to Atlantic City with a small fortune left him in his father's will. He is determined to use the money to renew the Creed family's failing real-estate empire. Unfortunately, he finds his efforts blocked at every turn by the mysterious Shadow Bankers Association and their enigmatic chairman known only as "Mr. Pennybags." Oliver Stone directs Monopoly
• Master of suspense M. Night Shyamalan brings you a tale of madness and imagination. A troubled author, tormented by thoughts that are not his own, begins to see words never before heard by mortal ears. Are these words truly keys to power as he believes, or are they just the gibberings of a madman? Timothy Olyphant stars in Scrabble
• An alien craft crash lands in the Nevada desert. There are no survivors... at first. The United States is under attack by an aggressive insectoid race capable of regenerating themselves from a single severed leg. Jensen Ackles stars in Cooties. Directed by Michael Bay.
• Desperate for work so she can earn money to feed the six starving orphans under her care, Elizabeth Doherty (played by Academy Award winner Hilary Swank) finds work on a large Washington farm. She thinks she may have finally found the means to make ends meet, until her boss (Carey Elwes) starts to make unwelcome advances on her. Even when her job is threatened, Elizabeth must keep an outwardly cheery appearance to keep her children from despairing. Steven Spielberg directs Hi-Ho! Cherry-o.
• Better watch those labels! A crate meant for the San Diego Zoo somehow winds up in the office of Principal Mike Jones (played by Jack Black) who runs a neat and tidy elementary school. He opens the box, and out jump dozens of monkeys - and they mean business. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll learn a lesson or two about life and love in Barrel of Monkeys
• It's the year 2076, and the world's first AI president has gone haywire. If he can't be repaired quickly, humans across the planet will riot and tear down their robotic neighbors, plunging humanity back into the stone age. Can the computer hacking whiz known only as Joseph (Jesse Eisenberg) stop armageddon in time? Hugo Weaving voices Simon
• Candyland is a sweet place - a children's dream come true... on the surface. But as Erin and Tammy Drake (played by Chloë Moretz and Hailee Steinfeld) soon find, the land is thick with more than just a caramel cream center. They enlist the help of Mr. Mint (Cilian Murphy) and Princess Lolly (Ellen Page) to unravel the complex history of Candyland. They must depose the wicked Queen Frostine (Marion Cotillard) and reinstate good King Kandy (Michael Caine) before Candyland is destroyed... forever. Christopher Nolan directs Candyland, a darker chocolate than most.

I could do this all day. Seriously.