5 - "New Deal for Christmas"
Annie is a story all about escapism and wish-fulfillment: a young orphan suddenly becomes rich and happy on account of her being so gosh-darned adorable.
Annie's finale is supposed to be a happy one, but hearing the main characters sing about the New Deal on the eve of World War II does little to bring the warm Christmas fuzzies to my heart.
Last time I heard this song, I couldn't help but substitute my own lyrics:
"Hitler is invading Poland."
"Watch out for those planes at Pearl Harbor."
"Oppenheimer's got the A-Bomb this year."
"The Jews are all dying in Auschwitz."
Sorry, Annie. You just picked the wrong time to be optimistic.
4 - "Happy Holidays/The Holiday Season"
By itself, the song "Happy Holidays" is pretty inoffensive. However, when it's paired with the unconscionably cheerful "The Holiday Season," the whole thing falls apart.
Christmas swing music's always struck me as being a bit... weird. "The Holiday Season" makes an even worse impression for all the forced cutesy pleasantries -"Whoopty Doo and Dickery Dock."
Seriously, it sounds like someone's making up swear words. And in a Christmas song, too. Santa'd be displeased.
3 - "Santa Baby"
Geez. I don't know what's worse: the unabashed glamorization of the commercial side of Christmas, the vaguely sexual references, or the fact that the singer is trying to get a booty call from THIS GUY:
"Ho Ho Ho! Who's your daddy?"
Horrifying.
2 - "Christmas Shoes"
Let's see...
A poor boy tries to spend his last coin on a pair of shoes for his mother who's about to die on Christmas Eve. The whole story is related by a vaguely country-sh singer accompanied by a choir of angelic children. Our icy, Grinchy hearts are supposed to melt when the boy says, with a sob in his throat, "I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight."
The reason this song's not #1 is because it means well. Unfortunately, like the Republican Party, it just tries too darn hard.
1 - "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"
Oh, and the other reason "Christmas Shoes" is at #2 is because I HATE THIS BLOODY SONG! It's the most frivolous, ridiculous, stupid thing a person could possibly sing about. And the singer... Even for a ten-year-old female country singer, her voice is obnoxious.
Yes, I KNOW this is a novelty song, and therefore shouldn't be taken that seriously. Still, since Christmas is a time of year that's all about memory and nostalgia, you have to know where I'm coming from. If the best part of Christmas past was falling asleep in the backseat of my parents' car listening to "Silent Night," then the WORST part was being roused for my grandpa's company Christmas party at 4:30 in the morning and TRYING to fall asleep against the sound of Gayla Peevey complaining about how "rhinocerouseses" don't love her as much as "hippopotamuseses."
GAH! This song makes me want to clean my ears out with a nail file!
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Two frequent contenders for the Worst Christmas Song Ever award, Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" and Wham's "Last Christmas," didn't appear on this list. The reason I didn't include them is because... well... I... umm...
I actually kinda like 'em.
Well, statistically, SOMEONE had to, right?
6 comments:
I only agree with A New Deal for Christmas being on the list... You are just heartless :p
and you're jealous someone wants santa and not you. If the song was "Stephen Baby" you'd adore it ;)
hahaha :)
Nice list.
Agreed on all points except I don't know the "Happy Holidays" one as far as I know and I don't like the honorable mentions. yeah, I really don't like them.
I own 3 Christmas Albums, which ispretty much the only Christmas music I listen to. The Beach Boys Holiday album. Barenaked Ladies Holiday album and The Chipmunks Christmas Vol. 3...this is the only Christmas music that is acceptable. And I usually listen to each alb once sometime around June...an that's about it.
I absolutely agree on the "Christmas Shoes" song. Nails on the chalkboard of my sensitivity that thing is. Where other songs are playful, charming, spiritual or simply bring back memories, "Shoes" has all the heart tugging subtly of a wrecking ball. My number one least favorite. Period
I totally agree that those songs like "Christmas Shoes" that pull at your heart strings in the most irritating way are the worst! Along with that song "Mary Did You Know". Of course she freaking knew her child was the son of God!! But my most hated Christmas song is "Baby It's Cold Outside". It's totally the Christmas rape song.
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