If the World Were a Musical...

Last night I gave a friend of mine a quick recap on a show I saw last week. Afterwards, we started imagining how the world would be different if it operated by the same rules of musical theater – people breaking out into song and dance, etc. We compiled a small list of possibilities – one which has grown considerably since.

IF THE WORLD WERE A MUSICAL…

• Babies would learn to crawl, then walk, and then soft shoe.
• Two young men ballet dancing in the street would be cause to call the police.
• Sixteen-year-old girls would all look twenty-five.
• The physically uncoordinated would be sent to “special class” in school.
• Roger Ebert would call High School Musical a “startlingly realistic depiction of adolescent heartache.”
• Piano skills could be listed on a resume as a second language.
• No wars would ever be fought; however, large crowds of soldiers would inexplicably flock to bars.
• Tone deaf people would have NO friends.
• The tax system would collapse, as all accountants would quit their jobs to pursue more artistic careers.
• Ugly people would ALWAYS be evil. Period.
• Generational disputes would be accompanied by country guitar, keyboard synthesizers, and a turntable.
• The Salvation Army bellmen would release an album… and it would go platinum.
• All women you ask out on dates will say “no” first, until you have a duet with them. Then they’ll shoot you.
• Matthew Broderick would be voted “World’s Sexiest Man” for YEARS until Neil Patrick Harris rose to fame.
• People would only kiss after hitting the highest note in their register.
• Basses will never get kissed.
• Nobody would sit outside on the balcony to be alone but to sing ensemble pieces with the neighbors.
• Every city in the world would have its own theme song, which immigrants would be required to sing upon entering the borders or be deported.
• All Americans would speak with New York accents.
• Talking to one’s-self wouldn’t be considered strange – it’d be expected.
• People could walk down the street in their underwear and attract no attention.
• The government would quarantine an entire city if one case of a cold is reported.
• The center of the filmmaking world would be in India, not California.
• Pirate would still be a viable career option.
• All politicians would be tenors.
• All landlords would be basses.
• The Gettysburg Address would begin, “Four score and seven bars ago…”
• No one would actually NEED to wear glasses, but everyone would wear them until they became sexually available.
• Andrew Lloyd Weber would be a famous biographer… and he’d still suck.