And They Were Doing So Well...

College did some crazy things to my head. Working hard to earn a four-year degree twisted my entire worldview to the point where I could no longer accept the validity of any creative endeavor that didn't have explicit artistic merit. Basically, I couldn't stomach anything put out by writers, poets, musicians, television producers, or any other of their ilk that wasn't liberally sprinkled with haughtiness and pomp. Happily, I have recently re-discovered the joy that can be found in big, loud, stupid entertainment.

Which is probably why I've spent so much time recently listening to these guys:

Nothing says "big, loud, stupid entertainment" quite like the group that wrote "Let's Get Retarded."

Truth is, I've kinda liked The Black Eyed Peas ever since I first heard "Where Is the Love" way back in the summer of 2003 (Of course, I may not have had the best taste back then. I kinda dug Jewel at the time - and that's when she was in the middle of her weird pop music phase). Right after that, I went on my mission to the Czech Republic, where dance music was pretty huge - and I'll admit to walking a little slower in banks and grocery stores so I could listen to "Shut Up" and "Don't Phunk With My Heart."

I like most of the Peas' music that I've heard. Heck, I even like "I'mma Be," and that song's just ridiculously stupid.

There's no excuse for "My Humps," though.


Ironic that Fergie is, in my mind, pretty much the worst part of the whole group, especially since, if she weren't around, they'd still be almost completely unknown.

So, yeah, I kinda like these guys. But they've got a new single out - "The Time (The Dirty Bit)," which I would call one of the worst songs of all time if I could bring myself to call it music.

The bulk of the song is mostly just fairly terrible rap over these two jarring notes. The music slides back and forth between them, until the chord changes, then... well, everything stays the same. It's just a DIFFERENT two notes that jar and slide and screech. Just painful to listen to.

It's almost not fair to pick on the Black Eyed Peas for having bad lyrics, but there are two lines that just KILL me:

First, the song rhymes "swagger" with "Mick Jagger," which wouldn't be an unforgivable crime if I hadn't already heard the exact same rhyme from the world's worst human being.

Second, the always delightful Apl actually called himself the "mack daddy" - which I didn't think people still did. The last time I saw the phrase "mack daddy," it was on the back of some kid's shirt in math class... back when I was in junior high.

I guess it's kinda pointless to call The Black Eyed Peas "immature," too.

But the absolute WORST offence comes in the second refrain - and that's a funny word to use when talking about the Peas. I usually associate the word "refrain" with the word "lilting" or "soothing."

Now, the song "The Time (Dirty Bit)" (let's all just agree that's a suck name and move on with our lives) samples the Dirty Dancing classic "(I've Had) The Time of My Life" - not a GREAT song, in my mind, but definitely a classic. Now, since we're talking about The Black Eyed Peas and Fergie, who just tries SO HARD to be obnoxious as humanly possible, they synth the CRAP out of this pretty tune. It gets so bad that they actually make Fergie's voice cut out before she has a chance to hit the high note, making it sound like she's singing FLAT the whole time. It's painful to hear - makes the entire song pretty much unlistenable.

Which is too bad, because I was really starting to NOT be embarassed to admit I like The Black Eyed Peas.